Unknown Feelings...

[Jellowl]

I'm honestly very confused right now and I cannot pin point my feelings. The issue is that my boyfriend just asked for me to send him nudes for his pleasure.

I never want to send nudes. I had always hoped he would never ask me for them, but recently he tried to get me to send them to him. I told him no even though It made me feel bad when he was a little upset about it. When he seemed upset about it, I went to talk it out with him; tried to find out why he wanted them. We are very open with eachother and we've talked about how we have masturbated to porn and porn pictures in the past. We are both fine with that and respect it, it's not something to be ashamed of. He said that when masturbating, random porn pictures don't do anything for him anymore and he wants to see me naked since he already has in the past.

I shut him down reeeeal quick. I do not feel comfortable with it, I don't want to give or recieve them and it's not something that I feel secure about. He tried to convince me and said that he'd delete them when I sent them and wouldn't tell anyone. THAT SENT A BIG RED FLAG IN MY MIND. For the first time I've been with him, he made me feel scared and very upset. He apologized and said he wouldn't ask again but I can't shake my feelings. If I think about it, I can't help but feel upset.

He really is a nice guy and I like him a lot. This is both of our first times dating someone so I think it's normal for us to discuss these types of things and find out our boundries. But when it comes to sexual acts, he can be a little persistant. Sometimes he wants things I cannot provide, like nudes. Sometimes he wants to do things I won't allow, like oral or anal play. I do feel bad that I won't do things he likes but those are my rules and I have to hope he respects them.

As for the whole making me feel upset thing, is it normal for me to feel upset about this? Should I let bye gones be bye gones and forget about it? What is your opinion on the matter?

Thank you in advance for the advice and have a nice day.

[Redskies]

First up, big, big applause for sticking with what you knew you wanted. That can be hard to do at the best of times, and even more so when it's someone we really like asking us for something different, and we really want them to like us too. It sounds like you handled this situation like an absolute boss. So, even though it was clearly unpleasant for you, I hope you can find some brain-space in the confusion to feel very proud of yourself.

There are actually serious legal issues with sending nude photographs of yourself, or him receiving them, when you're under 18. By "serious", I'm not kidding around: it's illegal for both of you, with possible life-long consequences. (Yes, even for photos of yourself; it's just how the law is.) So, it's very good that you didn't take or send them, and it's very important that you don't.

I'd say that yes, it's very normal for you to feel upset, and I'm seeing a big reason why you might be so upset in the things you're writing. You said "he tried to convince me". In this thread and your other thread, I'm seeing a pattern in his behaviour with you where he doesn't accept and run with what you say you want and don't want with sex, but instead keeps trying to get things the way he'd wanted or planned. It's not very nice to be on the receiving end of that, and it's certainly confusing. I think your radar was absolutely spot-on when you felt scared and upset: I'd say those are appropriate ways to feel when someone behaves like he has, because that kind of behaviour isn't very safe. Someone who doesn't respect and accept our "no" about something sexual, and instead tries to push, is being unsafe for us.

You don't need to feel bad about not wanting to do some kinds of sexual things. It is your absolute right to do with your own body only what you want to do, just like it's all of our own right with our own body. We don't have to make someone else happy with our body, and it doesn't matter what other people think of the thing, or how many people think it: you, and only you, are the sole person who matters and decides about your own body.

Whenever he's "persistant" about sexual things, he's actually not respecting and holding your boundaries. Respecting someone's boundaries means not continuing to ask about or mention something. Keeping asking is a kind of sexual pressuring and coercion. So, it's no wonder you're having some big feelings about what he's been doing.