Do I wait or do I let him go?

[dmarti02]

I was with my boyfriend for 2 years. We lived together. He is a police officer and has a lot of stress, which I knew and tried to not ask much of him. He rarely had to do anything. I wanted more effort. When it came to bills, cooking, and cleaning- I was usually the one to put more effort. I kept asking him to put more effort into the relationship (like cuddling for 5 mins or giving me a compliment). He called it nagging. After a day of him not talking to me and him ignoring me all day, I left. I was hoping it would make him realize how much I do for him. Long story short- it backfired. It’s been a month. He says he doesn’t know what he wants now… he says he loves me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He finally has his structure down (workout, write reports, work, sleep)… without me. He says he knows that I’m a good girlfriend which is why he wants to keep me close. That doesn't seem fair to me... He had always used the excuse that when he’s 30 he’ll start settling down. That's what he says anyway.. He turns 30 tomorrow. At first my thought was if he really sees a future with me and knows this break will get there- I’m ok waiting. But last night he said that he isn’t a planner and doesn’t plan things ahead.. He’s also using the fact that I left to say that he can do whatever he wants now cuz I’m the one to leave. I’m so confused. I know I can’t force anyone to be in a relationship with me but I guess I’m just looking for advice. He says he’s not asking me to wait but he does love me. Do I wait for him? Or do I just cut ties and try to get over him?

[Mo]

I think that when someone says they don't want to be in a relationship, and aren't planning ahead for a future relationship, it's probably best to take them at their word.
It sounds like you were doing a huge amount of work, both practical (bills/cleaning) and emotional, without him putting a lot of effort in at all, and to be honest this doesn't sound like a great relationship for you overall because of that!

Some people do learn, over time, to be able to be equal partners in a relationship instead of leaving all work and upkeep to their partner, but unless he's showing some really big signs of personal introspection and change - which I'm not picking up from what you've said here - it seems unlikely that his relationship style is likely to change at all. He is free to do what he wants here - you're right that you can't force him to be in a relationship, and it sounds like he's pretty set in his ways at the moment.

When you're trying to evaluate your next move here, I think it'll help to do so based on what his behavior is like now vs. what you might want it to be or what he's said it might be in the future. I wouldn't recommend waiting around for him to change his approach to relationships and want to date you again, but if you enjoy spending time with him as things stand now it's fine to continue doing that.
I do think, though, that any relationship where one person isn't willing to put emotional effort into their partner and relationship is one that won't be healthy in the long run. It's just not possible to keep a relationship running smoothly on the efforts of just one person.

[dmarti02]

How do I evaluate his behavior now...? He technically is single so I'm not thinking he would put as much effort now vs. in a relationship. I love hanging out with him. But it's both nice and sad at the same time. I'm so torn. Part of me wants to wait and see what happens... but at the same time, it's really hard. To go from where we were to now "just chillin".

[Sam W]

In terms of evaluation, think about how his behavior was when you lived together. From your description, it sounded like he put very little effort into the relationship. If he wanted to be together again, he'd be doing things to demonstrate that he's actually ready and willing to be an equal partner with you. It doesn't seem like he's doing that at all (it also sounds a little like he's dangling the promise of being ready to settle in front of you with no intent of ever being serious about it. Because when he does that he still gets lots of attention from you and has you as a back-up girlfriend in case he needs it).

One thing that might help you right now is to think about what you want from a relationship. The qualities you want in another person, how you want them to treat you, etc. Then think about whether or not those factors were present when you two lived together, or if they're present now. I'm willing to bet there are lots of things you want and need that were/are missing. There's someone out there who isn't this guy who has way more of those qualities (nobody's perfect of course, but some people make better partners than others). Does that make sense?

[Marlet]

Hey dear. Sorry to hear this, but I feel he is a kind of person who cannot be in a relationship. I know it's hurting, but there are some people, who love themselves and their privacy more than anything. So I guess there's no point in waiting for him.