I keep wanting to go back to the guy that sexually assaulted me

[redleon]

Hi,

I met up with a guy I met online (yeah, I know it was a stupid decision) and he ended up sexually assaulting me. I keep wanting to go back to him and do more sexual things, but I know I shouldn't. Is that a normal thing to think? Also, how can I make sure I don't go back to him?

-redleon

[Lenabean]

Hi Redleon,

I'm really sorry to hear that you were sexually assaulted. It is not ok for anyone to do that to you, and it is not your fault. Some folks might try to tell you that because you chose to meet up with this guy, that it is your fault that you were assaulted. The only person who is responsible for that outcome is HIM, for assaulting you.

It also is normal that you may feel some desire to go back to him and do more sexual things. Victims and survivors of sexual assault and abuse often have many conflicting feelings about what happened to them. Some of those feelings include being attracted to their assaulters/abusers, wanting to have some kind of relationship with them, or by trying to take some control over the situation by initiating sexual activity with them. Here is a Scarleteen article that might help illuminate some of the things you are feeling and help you define what happened to you if that is something you need: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... _with_rape. Does this sound like a good explanation to you? If not, I'm totally willing to talk more about what you're feeling here.

All that said, I want to address some things going forward. First off, are you in a safe place? Does this guy know where you live, where you go to school, or any other identifying information about you? If he cannot contact you, that is one way to decrease the likelihood that you will see him again. Does anyone else know about what happened? Is there a trusted adult, peer, or other person you can talk to about what happened to you? A counselor, therapist, or sexual assault victim advocate that you can go to? If there isn't someone in your life that you feel comfortable talking to, you can call a hotline like the one run by RAINN (the rape, abuse, and incest national network): https://www.rainn.org/. If there is, telling them about what happened will help you get support for whatever next steps you want to take, including making sure that you do not go back to this person. They can also help you talk about what happened and cope with any feelings you have.

If you felt that you wanted to report this guy or pursue legal action against him, that is also something you could do. Because he has an online presence he may also be targeting other people and then meeting up with them and sexually assaulting them. I also noticed that you put your age on Scarleteen as 16. In a lot of places, people older that 18 who have sex with people younger than 18 can get in even more trouble for perpetrating sexual violence--so you have a lot of leverage if that was something you wanted to do. You absolutely DO NOT have to do this. And before you do, I would strongly encourage you to talk to a trusted adult so they can help you decide what to do next and what steps to take. I'm suggesting it because many survivors feel empowered when they take steps to make sure their assaulters/abusers get some form of justice for what happened to them, and are prevented from doing it to anyone else. If you would like some resources for doing this, please let me know.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Make plans with friends or do other self-care activities (some can be found here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... a_la_carte). You are worthy and deserving of respect and love, and you did not deserve to be assaulted. It also seems like one way you could avoid this guy is by not going online to talk to him again. Additionally, although the internet can absolutely be used for great things (like going to the Scarleteen messaging boards for help!), it can also be used for awful things like targeting young women for sexual assault. There are ways to make your internet use safer and be aware of people who are abusing the powers of the World Wide Web. Here are some tips from the Children's Advocacy Center: http://www.nationalcac.org/prevention/i ... -kids.html. This still does not mean that the assault you experienced was your fault.

Let me know if you have other questions or would like more resources.

In solidarity,
Lenabean

[Mo]

Hi there redleon, welcome to Scarleteen.

People have all sorts of reactions to sexual assault, and one reaction can be to want to be sexual with them again. That might be because it feels like having sex you consent to might help you feel more in control of the situation, or negate/minimize the assault - and of course there could be other completely different reasons in play as well. But it's not an unusual thing to think.

In terms of making sure you don't do this, you can block him on social media, block and delete his phone number, and set up a filter so any email he sends you goes straight to your spam or trash folders (if you have questions on how to do any of that, we can help you figure it out). Do you feel like there's a chance you'd run into each other in person even if you completely blocked him online?

If there's anything else you want to talk about in terms of being sexually assaulted, we're here to listen.