Scarleteen

Okay, I am going to do my best to make this straight forward and not jump around too much.
I know you guys have other topics about not feeling anything during sex but I feel like my situation is a little too specific for that so I wanted to type it all out and see what you guys thought.

When I was 12 (I am now 16) I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and have been on antidepressants ever since. I used to get aroused pretty easily and randomly, like a "regular" teenager would until about the age of 14, I think? I can't remember the exact moment where I realized I didn't get horny and I'm not sure if it was before or after the next event. When I was 14 I had a physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend that I lost my virginity to. Our first time wasn't exactly consensual, I'll go into detail so that you have all of the information.
We were in his bed making out and he asked me to give him a blowjob, I said no. He asked again and I said "Please, Brandon, I really don't want to." He kept saying please and he pushed my head down onto him and I gave in because I was afraid that he would either cheat on me, break up with me, or hit me. (I realize this is not a good reason to give in, I am working on my ability to stand up for myself) When we actually had sex, it was a very similar scenario, I said no and he kept pushing and pushing and I gave in, mostly due to fear. He knew I didn't want to. We had sex after that that was more consensual because I didn't really care anymore and there was only one time with him where I felt anything and it was when he was penetrating me but he pulled out because he heard his parents coming. We ended up breaking up, thank God, but I did definitely have something I describe as "Baby PTSD" because I would have nightmares and flashbacks about him, as well as having panic attacks if I saw him, but it never feels right to call it PTSD, just like I don't feel comfortable calling our first time rape (my friends do) because I feel as if it is insulting to those who have been physically forced, against their will. I don't know if that makes sense. I know what he did was wrong and I would categorized it as abuse, I just don't know if rape is the right word for it. (Feel free to give me your opinion on that one as well, it's bothered me for years) In case it matters, we mainly did it in a missionary position with him on top or with him sitting and me on his lap.
After my first boyfriend, I had sex with a guy named Nathan. This was definitely consensual, although I wasn't horny like I got with Brandon. I would get turned on for maybe a second, and then I would lose it. He ate me out, fingered me, and had vaginal sex but none of it did a single thing for me. I could feel him touching me, but no pleasure in the slightest. At this point, I rarely thought about Brandon and to my subconscious, it wasn't bothering me at all. I still hated him of course, and I got panic attacks when I saw him, but I could easily talk about things or think about it without having a breakdown. (We had sex with me on my stomach and my ass in the air)
The third guy I had sex with I was dating. He was the perfect boyfriend and I never, ever doubted for a second that he loved me unconditionally. He waited until I was ready to try and have sex with me and I can't thank him enough for that. When we had sex we did it because we both wanted to. I felt 100% comfortable with him which was a first but I didn't get horny for more than two seconds, even though I was sexually attracted to him. I know I am sexually attracted to them because I want to be physically intimate with them, but I don't get horny, I just like the idea of being intimate with them, if that makes sense. I always thought that I'd feel something with him because we loved each other, I felt safe, etc. but I still didn't. I remember feeling something one time but I wouldn't describe it as pleasure, it was more like it just wasn't numb. I was on top with him and sometimes I'd keep going after he finished just to make sure that I wasn't going to feel anything. He also tried eating me out and fingering me but nothing.
The fourth guy I had sex with was a bit of a step backwards for my character development. We usually ended up having sex because I caved in to his pleads, and a few times it was because I was afraid he would get bored of me if I didn't. (Sad, I know. I'm working on it.) He was very experienced and has made several girls orgasm with and without vaginal sex, whereas the other 3 were either virgins or had maybe one other partner. We tried a lot of positions and since he was experienced, it took him longer to cum so he usually went for awhile. All the meanwhile, I would feel nothing. I do think that I got horny with him because he was extremely attractive, but by the time we actually started to have sex, the feeling was gone. (This was a year ago by the way)
Recently, (a week ago) a guy I've been seeing tried to finger me and eat me out but with no luck. I explained to him my past but it is so frustrating that I have the opportunity to have sex, but I don't get anything from it, especially when I don't understand why.
I have tried fingering myself and playing with my clit but nothing works. I do get horny sometimes if there's a steamy part of a TV show or movie, but porn doesn't do anything for me. The guy I'm dating right now is a really great guy, and we click really well, not to mention he is really hot in my opinion, so I'd love to actually be able to have satisfying sex.
A few theories I've been kicking around are:
My depression: It would make sense it that affected my sex drive, obviously, but I have friends who are diagnosed with depression who have no problem with this. I realize that everyone is different, I just feel like I should be running into more people like me. It would make a lot of sense though if that's why I don't get horny as easily as I used to but then my question is, how do I counter that?
My ADD: I have a very short attention span and my mind is always racing, so I could see how that plays into my inability to stay aroused. But I take Vyvanse for it and it helps me stay focused so I don't get why it wouldn't then help my arousal.
My past experiences: The abuse would definitely make sense but I consciously don't feel like it affects me that much. I could understand if it's my subconscious at work, which I would guess I'd need therapy for.
My medications: I know that anti depressants often affect your entire sex drive, but in the past 2 years, I've switched medicines approximately 20 times and there was a span of time where I was off of them and I tried to masturbate then and still nothing. I have been on depo provera since I first started having sex, though.
I'm definitely going to try and bring this up with my psychiatrist and probably see about seeing a therapist again, I just have a lot going on at work, school, and home so I thought I'd start here. I know that at 16, sex doesn't need to be my first priority and it's definitely not, I just want to make sure there's not something wrong with me. Please help. I'm worried that I'll never be able to feel anything. Thank you so much for your time, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Side note, I have gotten a few pap smears, not for this issue, but I think it's safe to say that she didn't notice anything obviously wrong. She mentioned that I have a tilted uterus, but that's common. I just thought I'd mention that.

Hi abbykeen,

It sounds like there's a lot going on here, and a I'm glad to hear you're going to see a therapist. They can help you around a lot of the trauma based stuff you're experiencing. I will say that dealing with someone like your first partner can affect your sex drive for years after. So even if that isn't the whole of the issue, it might be a major factor.

When you masturbate, is it that you feel no sensation, or is it uncomfortable when you try it?

With your current boyfriend, are there things he does that aren't penetration that feel good to you or feel like they turn you on at all? That could be touching or kissing certain areas, talking dirty, things like that. Or are there no intimate touches that feel pleasurable?

Sam W wrote:Hi abbykeen,

It sounds like there's a lot going on here, and a I'm glad to hear you're going to see a therapist. They can help you around a lot of the trauma based stuff you're experiencing. I will say that dealing with someone like your first partner can affect your sex drive for years after. So even if that isn't the whole of the issue, it might be a major factor.

When you masturbate, is it that you feel no sensation, or is it uncomfortable when you try it?

With your current boyfriend, are there things he does that aren't penetration that feel good to you or feel like they turn you on at all? That could be touching or kissing certain areas, talking dirty, things like that. Or are there no intimate touches that feel pleasurable?

When I masturbate, it's not painful, there just isnt any pleasure.
I know that kissing my neck turns me on, but other than that, nothing really works. Sometimes I think more foreplay might help, but when I've tried that the arousal doesnt last for long. Like if we stop for even a second to reposition, etc, it goes away.
I know that I tend to feel uncomfortable when friends or family touch me at all, but in a romantic relationship, I love any form of touch. Even sexual, its not like I dislike it, I just don't get any pleasure from it.

Thank you so much for replying.

Ah, okay, thank you for clarifying.

I wonder, would it be worth trying with your current partner a few days of focusing only on figuring out what things (even if there's only a few of them) do give you pleasure? Just exploring as much as you can to see if anything hits the "ooh, nice" buttons. As you noted, sometimes activities we consider "foreplay" can be just as, if not more, pleasurable as intercourse. You could also try, if you haven't already, introducing sex toys into the mix for both solo and partnered play. Sometimes those new or different sensations can help you find some pleasure from sexual activities.

With getting aroused, you mentioned sometimes sexy scenes in movies or T.V do the trick. Do you find reading sexy scenes has a similar effect?

Do you feel pleasure in areas that aren't connected to sex or touch? For example, some people find taking a bath, or eating certain foods, gives them a lot of sensory pleasure.

You mentioned that you have seen (are currently seeing?) a psychiatrist. In your conversations over the years, have you addressed your concerns around arousal and pleasure directly with them? If so, what have they tried as approaches to those concerns?

Sam W wrote:Ah, okay, thank you for clarifying.

I wonder, would it be worth trying with your current partner a few days of focusing only on figuring out what things (even if there's only a few of them) do give you pleasure? Just exploring as much as you can to see if anything hits the "ooh, nice" buttons. As you noted, sometimes activities we consider "foreplay" can be just as, if not more, pleasurable as intercourse. You could also try, if you haven't already, introducing sex toys into the mix for both solo and partnered play. Sometimes those new or different sensations can help you find some pleasure from sexual activities.

With getting aroused, you mentioned sometimes sexy scenes in movies or T.V do the trick. Do you find reading sexy scenes has a similar effect?

Do you feel pleasure in areas that aren't connected to sex or touch? For example, some people find taking a bath, or eating certain foods, gives them a lot of sensory pleasure.

You mentioned that you have seen (are currently seeing?) a psychiatrist. In your conversations over the years, have you addressed your concerns around arousal and pleasure directly with them? If so, what have they tried as approaches to those concerns?

I've tried similar things with my past boyfriends but nothing really did anything except for neck kissing and lip biting, but even then it was just temporary arousal.

I do think that reading something would arouse me because it used to, although I haven't read anything lately.

I don't quite understand the question. I do love baths and I love being warm, etc, it's a pleasant feeling, but it doesn't arouse me.

I have not mentioned anything about this to my psychiatrist, mainly because I am trying to focus on getting the right combination of medicine, however, I have mentioned it in passing to my therapist but we haven't discussed it in detail. I made an appointment to see her again in a few weeks, I haven't seen her in months, but considering that I think my that I am more affected by my "assault" than I originally believed I was, I've decided to see her again so we can focus on that.

Then it sounds like exploring some written sexy stuff might be worth a try (if standard romance novels aren't your thing, there's plenty of sexy anthologies out there and, of course, the wide world of fanfiction).

The question is less about other things that arouse you per se and more about things that make you feel physical pleasure (it makes you feel good but not necessarily want to have sex). When people are having difficulties with pleasure during sex, it's helpful to know what other things make their bodies and brains feel good, so that they still have ways to experience pleasure.

I would recommend bringing this up directly with the therapist and the psychiatrist. If the situation is frustrating to you and there's a chance it's linked to the medications you're taking, then it's relevant to the conversation about finding the right combination. As for your therapist, there's also the possibility that some of this is connected to the assault. That means it fits right in with a conversation about what happened and how you might be able to heal from it.

Sam W wrote:Then it sounds like exploring some written sexy stuff might be worth a try (if standard romance novels aren't your thing, there's plenty of sexy anthologies out there and, of course, the wide world of fanfiction).

The question is less about other things that arouse you per se and more about things that make you feel physical pleasure (it makes you feel good but not necessarily want to have sex). When people are having difficulties with pleasure during sex, it's helpful to know what other things make their bodies and brains feel good, so that they still have ways to experience pleasure.

I would recommend bringing this up directly with the therapist and the psychiatrist. If the situation is frustrating to you and there's a chance it's linked to the medications you're taking, then it's relevant to the conversation about finding the right combination. As for your therapist, there's also the possibility that some of this is connected to the assault. That means it fits right in with a conversation about what happened and how you might be able to heal from it.

'

Thank you so much for your help, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I might keep you updated via this post as I make progress with my therapist and/or psychiatrist. Hopefully, I can figure it out. Thank you so much, again.