Scarleteen

Hi everyone! I just want to vent and maybe someone else will feel the same. I am finding it really hard to get over the shame and guilt I feel as a girl who likes other girls. Recently I have just been overwhelmed by my attraction to girls and I don't know why but it's come with an overwhelming feeling of guilt and anxiety.
To put it simply, my best friends are queer and I live in a "progressive" area and I am relatively safe, the family I live with is not homophobic and I'm not in any danger, but it was only when I turned 18 that I admitted to myself that I'm gay.

There have been signs all my life that I was attracted to girls ever since I was a small child but I first really realise I was attracted to girls when I was 12, I pulled the classic gay move and developed a crush on my best friend. And I can remember it so well that there was a crushing sense of shame and guilt that came with that. I was genuinely so disgusted by myself and told myself "no one can ever know about this". At the time I wrote a poem about it and I recently came across it and it made me so sad. I was so steeped in self hatred because of same gender attraction and I didn't even realise it. I used to think it was unbelievable how gay people would get married to the opposite sex and have children... I didn't understand how you could lie to yourself like that. But I understand now how scary and vulnerable it feels to not be straight.

When I started college last year I was so so excited to join the lgbt club and finally feel like I had some freedom away from home and my horrible high school, and it was freeing in some aspects, I liked how no one assumed anything about you and they were very accepting. However I remember once we all talked about our coming out experiences, and I never felt more isolated because despite being in college I wasn't out so I just said nothing. I was the only person in the room who wasn't "out". And they would give me LGBT badges and stuff to put on my bag etc. and as soon as I left I took them off off because I didn't want anyone to know I was gay.

There is a friendly LGBT sanctuary in the city and whenever I feel this shame I go out of my way constantly with the intention of going in by myself, to make myself feel better and validated, and every single time I just walk straight past, or sometimes linger across the street, because the people around will see me going in and think I'm not straight and I feel too embarrassed... It's almost physically impossible for me to go in even after going out of my way to go there.

Every now and again I just get this wave where I remember every single time in my life I did something that suggested I was gay and I suppressed it so deep down. Thinking about this makes me feel so awful I can't explain. I feel like everyone has an easy time accepting themselves and I'm just unable to get there no matter what. I'm genuinely jealous of people who can say "I'm a lesbian" out loud. I surround myself with as much gay positivity as possible and I still have a nagging in the back of my head that says I'm disgusting.

Sorry for this being so long.. I hope this makes sense and that someone can relate. Thanks

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry that feeling so awful is what led you here, but I'm glad you've found us.

So, I'm hearing two different kinds of shame and guilt here: shame and guilt about being lesbian, but then also shame and guilt about feeling that way, and not being in the place with all this it seems like a lot of people around you are.

I feel like it's pretty easy to identify where the latter is coming from: sometimes, even when it is so not intended, a lot of acceptance, support and community can feel like pressure, unfortunately. But the good news is that we can probably figure out some strategies together to make a pretty good dent in that.

The other is a bit trickier.

I'm wondering: do you have any sense about where those negative feelings about being attracted to women are coming from? What kinds of messages around this did you grow up with, especially at home? People can not be homophobic, but can still be pretty heterocentric, as an example, and that alone can have a big impact. Too, how's your self-esteem generally? Like, do you otherwise think you're pretty awesome, or do you struggle with this in other areas?

Thank you so very much for listening!!

I definitely think general heteronormativity played a big role so far as negative feelings. I was always aware of gayness but it was like an unspoken rule I had with myself that other people were allowed to be gay but I wasn't? Like me not being straight was never even an option in the first place if that makes sense. But I know that general heteronormativity is something everyone has to deal with so I don't know why it would affect me to this degree.

I grew up in an abusive household but sexual orientation was never a part of that or involved in that in the slightest. Maybe that affected me without knowing? My father would punish my brothers severely for doing feminine things so that may have affected me subconsciously. That's the only thing I can think of that's related to gender or sexuality. Also I went to catholic school as a child so... I think that's all that need to be said. It had strict principles about gender. I don't want to be too specific but there were a few small incidents where even as a child I was able to recognize "this is homophobic, this is bigoted". This is another thing I don't understand is why I was always able to recognize homophobia like I said, even as a child, but could never apply this freedom I wanted other people to have to myself. If I was so aware of homophobia why/how did it effect me so much.

These days I'm very hyper aware of of even the tiniest anti-gay comment, or any joke that suggests being gay is a negative thing. People around me (that I can't avoid, family, classmates etc.) say things every now and again that sort of push me back into the closet per se. I used to always say to myself "wow if I was a lesbian what they just said would really make me feel bad"

As far as self esteem I'm pretty alright, apart from this issue I'm very happy with myself and my life right now.

I know this post is two months old, So I hope your feeling better about your sexuality and others are been supportive of you. I was also attracted from a young age, I always had the support of mum and aunts as they are BI now more into women. Its just mum and me here, and I have a very open relationship with my mum and aunts (mums sisters)
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