Scarleteen

Hello! New board member here! 24yr old bb queer.

I can feel I'm in the middle of a massive transformation in regards to my sexuality. Just a couple days ago, I came out as queer/bi to my coworkers after years of buildup of hidden fantasies masturbating about women {which got to a secretive, fervent, shameful high this past year while in a fairly healthy and lovely relationship with a guy}. I have only dated men and I've realized I feel so dissatisfied with half the story. I have many many queer friends and feel very connected, livened and challenged (in good way) by this community. I'm attracted to guys still, and always have been, but there always comes this point in <sexual intimacy> where I get overwhelmed, feel turned off, feel like crying, feel not present and it almost always has to do with confronting the penis. I've had several guys question whether I'm attracted to them. I've wondered too. And have felt confused why there can be so much initial attraction, closeness excitement and intimacy but this block in sex and eventual dissatisfaction and demise with men. Which brings me to my most recent ex(ish) sweetheart. When we met our intimacy and mutual understanding was so immediate. We had many cosmically lovely nights with each other's bodies and spirits, the most special physical intimacy I've yet experienced. (Though never penetrative sex in our 7 months together and it took me a long time to touch his penis at all). We also have a very special creative connection and beyond romance we consider each other lifetime friend/family, he feels very old and familiar. However, I started feeling unhappy a couple months in and obsessively masturbating about women. I finally told him what was up and it was rocky but he gives me his full support in my discovery of my sexuality. I finally broke up with him per a gut feeling, and we had a good break but then we started casually cuddling/kissing/dating again. I was on a high to be connected with my sweetheart again until the sexual aspect stressed me out to the point of tears, realizing there's certain things I just can't give. Now, we're rocky and uncertain, mostly fully broken up. I told him I can't be sexual with him because I need to make space for my emerging discovery. But apart of me wants to continue having a certain amount of intimacy with him- he's extremely respectful of my boundaries, we've talked about an open thing, and an incredible support and creative collaborator. But he's very much in love with me, heart body and soul, in a way that I'm not. I feel powerful and ready for new adventure. I've never kissed a girl. I'm afraid I'm sexually attracted to girls and not romantically, and the opposite for guys! Plus I'm bored of cis male dating. I want weird gushy queerness...

So anyways that's long AF, just basically asking, are these confusing feelings normal, should I continue intimacy with him, how do I claim my new identity while still at the beginning, how do I be queer the way I dream of being???? I'm so scared.

Hi Loopygirl!

Welcome to Scarleteen, and also Welcome to weird gushy queerness!

I can't say that you should continue intimacy with your person or that you shouldn't. It sounds like both options could be really great for you. Your communication and boundaries sound good and you sound happy about the kissing/cuddling/dating which you have been doing together. You mention that you think his feelings for you are different from your feelings for him. So I guess a question is whether you are both ok with that? And if not is that a block to you guys being able to continue a healthy non-monogamous connection? That could be the decider for you.

As per whether your feelings are normal; they are very common, we don't all feel the same way about types of sexual intimacy... they are also unique and your own.

I would say that if you are feeling especially confused, there is also a case to be made for taking it slow. Getting to know yourself as a queer person can just be about taking the time to notice the ways you feel in different situations, and communicating with partners about how you are growing. You should be able to take all the time you need before making new steps, if you need that time to reflect, or change course or just catch your breath that is all cool.

This could be a good article if you're thinking about how to take those steps (Special shout out for number 7, honour your feelings):

10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)

PS, We ask that we don't post the same threads in multiple boards, I took down the other thread you started, so that's taken care of.