Scarleteen

I'm 25 (female). My partner is 28 (male). We'll call him Jake. We have been in a monogamous relationship for almost 3 years now. We both have had relationships before this one. In general, I have very low self-confidence. I feel insecure most of the time and am always looking for ways to improve myself. I often focus on my "flaws" and rarely think on my positive qualities.

Two things that might be important to know about me:
1. My brother died when I was 8. He was 10. I think this has often made me feel like I often have to be the person in control because this situation was so out of my control. He was taken from me and I could do nothing about it. It may be that I often feel very scared to be completely vulnerable with anyone because I fear that they may leave me (or be taken from me).
2. My parent's marriage was poor. My mother cheated on my dad. Growing up they always made critical side comments about each other. You would not think they loved each other and in many ways only seemed to tolerate one another.

I have occasionally looked through Jake's phone. I know it is wrong. I think this is a strong indicating of my insecurity, and not so much of a lack of trust. I make up scenarios in my head even when I have no cause to do so. I think he likes a mutual friend just because he texted her or talked to her on the phone. I think this because she is smart, athletic, funny, and very kind. His childhood best friend is a girl and I worry that he secretly likes her. Again. NO REASON I should think this. He hardly ever talks to any of them.

So the other night I had his messages pulled up and saw an exchange between Jake and a mutual friend (call him Bob). Jake, my boyfriend, was telling Bob that he had a dream about a mutual friend of ours, Sara. It essentially went something like this:
- Jake says he had a dream where him and Sara had sex and now everytime he looks at Sara he feels weird
- Bob says it's natural and this happen to most people
- Bob asks if me and Jake are OK
- Jake says him and I are great and it is just that he finds this person "stupid attractive"
- Jake sends a picture of Sara to Bob
- Bob asks if Jake likes her
- Jake says no and makes a joke that he wishes Sara did not have short shorts on and he is staring at her

So basically my boyfriend thinks this mutual friend is "stupid attractive" but doesn't like her, felt weird and wanted to vent about the dream. Well of course my stomach dropped reading this. I thought -- does he not find me attractive? does he think she is more attractive? does he want to have sex with her? does he want to make a move on her? will he?

So this morning I called him and said I wanted to talk tonight in person. I wanted to tell him I did not because I could not imagine going without telling him. He pressed me on the phone to talk now. I explained that I had saw the messages. He was understandable very angry and upset. He said things like, "Because I'm human! I wanted to talk to you about it but know how self-conscious you've been in the past and I really just needed someone to talk to!"

I of course feel TERRIBLE and am now scared that he may break up with me. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. I worry he doesn't want to be with me even though I have NO reason to and then I do something like this. Maybe I should have said nothing and got over it but I did something wrong and felt like I needed to tell him. It also was killing me inside.

So I guess my questions are...
How do I apologize for this?
How do help bridge the divide that I have now no doubt created?
Moving forward, how do I rebuild his trust? I am nervous he will never trust me again or feel comfortable around me - like he will always think I am checking his phone or doubting him

I stayed home from work today because I felt so nauseous about this.

Hi turtle5,

Welcome to the boards. I see you are having a difficult time right now, but glad that you found us.

As far as apologizing goes, I think all you can do is be sincere the way that you have been here. Once things have cooled down and you have had a chance to speak with your boyfriend, you can get a better idea of next steps. If he wants to continue in the relationship, these are questions that only he can answer. I can tell you understand that an apology is not a "quick fix" and rebuilding trust is something that will take time and work. Not just as a couple, but individually as well.

There isn't anything you can do to control his feelings on the matter, but you can continue to look into your own insecurities. I want to applaud you on your reflectiveness. I think it can be difficult to say "hey, I did something wrong because I am feeling insecure...here are some reasons that might be" That can be a VERY difficult thing to do. But I think it is important to also ask yourself if you are ready to be in a healthy relationship right now.

A huge part of a healthy relationship is trust. From what you have said here, creating and maintaining trust might be a challenge. Can you be comfortable with your boyfriends friendships? Can you handle him being attracted to other people (which is natural btw)? Can you respect boundaries in the relationship, such as not searching through his phone? Can you take your boyfriends actions and words as genuine? Can you feel good about yourself? These are just some of the things to consider, by no means all, and it sounds like it will take some real time before you can get to that place.

You are dealing with a lot right. If aren't seeing a therapist already, I think it could be helpful as you continue to process these things. I do hope you start to feel better. I know wondering what will happen to a relationship can be tough. Please try your best to take care of yourself. We have a great article on self care if you can make some time for this today: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... a_la_carte