3 questions in 1 (Birth Control, STIs, No confidence)

[Jellowl]

I'm sorry to trouble you with multiple questions but I have a lot on my mind at the moment.

My first question is if there is a birth control pill that can both regulate my period while providing protection from becoming pregnant. I have a VERY irregular period and I'm currently a month late and added to that it's very painful when it arrives. Also, I do plan on loosing my virginity with my boyfriend sometime soon and would like to take all the proper precautions when we decide to do it. Just wondering if there is a pill for both so I can ask my doctor about it when I see them. (I'm planning on seeing them soon to talk about my returning UTI and safe sex practices. Man, UTIs suck so much )

My second question is that if two people are virgins, have NO history of sex with anyone and have no history of cold sores, can they both be safe from STI/STDs when they have sex together? I'm slightly confused on this topic because I've read things that say you can get them from 2 virgins and that they can form by themselves in your body just like that with no warnings, like the common cold (Sounds odd to me?).

My third question is more of an advice question. My boyfriend and I have engaged in some manual sex; he is the one who preforms it on me. I do like it and It's very enjoyable for me... but I can't bring myself to touch him in the same way. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I have no faith in myself. I freeze up and become scared when he mentions it. When he sees my discomfort, he'll say it's fine but I can see that he is slightly hurt by my response. When he asks me why it's scary for me I have no answer for him. Is there something wrong with me? Or should I wait until I can become more sure of myself?

Thank you in advance for the advice,
Have a lovely day.

[Heather]

No worries!

So, the birth control pill (and hormonal contraception) doesn't actually regulate menstrual periods. Rather, what the pill does is to chemically create (by having a week of placebo pills between active pills on both sides) a withdrawal bleed. And because the pills do that with very particular timing, that usually results, with any BCP, in people having very regular withdrawal bleeds. It's also a good idea, if you have had your period for more than a few years and are highly irregular to just ask our healthcare provider to look into that for you, just as a health precaution.

If two people have never had any kind of INTIMATE contact with others -- like friendly-relative cheek smooches, even -- then it is highly unlikely either will have any of the illnesses classified as STIs. If two people have been intimate with others, but not genitally, the only STIs they are likely to have been exposed to and could have contracted are oral Herpes (cold sores), Mono (which passes in time), public lice (from sheets or towels), and Hepatitis, though most folks in the West have been immunized for that. For the most part, that other STIs require at least one person's genitals be involved.

But: it's really wise right from the start of a sex life to start it by practicing safer sex. It becomes a quick and easy habit that way, many folks will have to do it eventually in life, often as soon as their late teens, and then you are as safe as you can be with what we know works right from minute one, which makes it way easier to relax.

It sounds, though, like you could perhaps use more information about STIs, including how viruses work. If so, if you go to the top of the page here and click "sexual health" in the top menu, you'll get to an index of that content which includes fact sheets for all current STIs.

Per touching your boyfriend: am I getting it right that most of what's going on here is that you're nervous about not knowing what to do, and feel like you'll do something wrong? If so, can you tell me a little about what you worry you might do wrong? Have you two ever talked about this, including how he has probably felt in learning this stuff with your body, and how he is dealing with, most likely, these same worries or fears?

[Jellowl]

Thank you for answering all of my questions! And I'll be sure to read more on sexual health so I have a better and safer understanding for the future.

As for touching my boyfriend, I think I'm scared about messing up or making a fool of myself. I'm a very shy person and it's easy for me to get flusterd at the smallest things. I'm also unsure of what to expect while doing it and what happens after. All of these thoughts make the task seem impossible and it's quite daunting for me. I've asked him about what he thought when touching me and he said he had no problems with it. He did it because he really wanted to and enjoys seeing me experience pleasure.

I do feel guilty about this because I don't feel like it's fair to him. I want to touch him and I do want him to have pleasure... I just don't know how to get over my wall of fear and doubt.

[Jacob]

Hi Jellowl!

I'd say the first thing to tackle is that he's enjoying it and you're enjoying it, then there isn't an imbalance. It's not unfair, so you don't need to feel any pressure. I can imagine feeling any pressure, because you feel its the fair thing to do, will make it more difficult to relax.

As per what to expect, maybe this would be something to talk through with him... we shouldn't really expect anything to happen automatically it can actually be more of a decision making process, whereby between you, you choose what happens.

[Heather]

It might also help to think of this not as fair or unfair, but as what people do and don't enjoy WITHIN what the other person involves ALSO does, as well as within what the other person themselves wants to do and feels comfortable with.

In a lot of ways, when we get involved with someone else sexually, the sex we have is about finding common denominators.

Everyone is going to have things they like and don't, things they do and do not feel comfortable doing, and things they do and don't even want to do. When we're sexual together, we're taking the list of what's in the do like, are comfortable with, and do want from each of us, and finding things we have in common on those lists, and then those are the things we can do together.

One thing that can hep if you're not really feeling that, or feeling like it's all you on the don't-want end (which certainly can feel like a drag), is to do something this with a partner: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

You can then see THEIR things they don't want, like or feel comfortable with, which might help you feel less like you're some kind of drag for having your own things like that. As an extra bonus, you both might find some things on that list you both DO want, are interested in and do feel good about trying you might not have even thought of yet.