Scarleteen

So i think i gave my boyfriend a handjob yesterday but I keep thinking about it and cringing at myself because i'm so embarrassed and I don't know why. Don't even know if it was a handjob or not because i don't even know if i was doing it right, and i just feel so uncomfortable about it, but it's not like i'm against doing it. I just feel so embarrassed that I did it and I kind of feel like a s___ (don't wanna say that word) and I really can't stop thinking about it

So, handjob is just slang for manual sex: for one person using their hands on another person's genitals to express and explore sexual feelings or desires. And when someone does that, that tells us zip about who they are as a person.

There's no doing that right or wrong and there's also no right or wrong way to feel about it during or after: you just feel how you feel.

But it sounds like you're grappling with some tough feelings around this. Was it something you actually wanted to do and felt ready for? Was it something he also wanted and fave consent for?

If it was, do you have any sense of where the idea it isn't okay for you to express and explore your own sexuality that way is coming from for you?

I've always thought I would be fine doing it, and he was okay with it because he actually lead my hand there. But no, I have no idea where this feeling is coming from except that it just refuses to go away

Did he ask YOU if you wanted to do that, with words, rather than just taking your hand and putting it on his genitals?

No he didn't say it out

It's much harder to feel good about sexual activity when someone we are having it with isn't actually asking for our consent, and we don't get a chance to first think about if we DO want to do something and then decide based on our feelings. If your boyfriend just put your hand on his penis, you didn't get a choice to touch his one is or not: he made it for you, and it isn't his choice to make.

So, that's one reason it's not surprising you aren't feeling so great about this: you didn't actually give your consent.

Is this something you feel able to talk with your boyfriend about and make clear he has to do - that he has to ask first! - moving forward?

I think that may be why i'm so embarrassed- i don't actually know if he really wanted me to do it or if he was just blinded by lust. I don't even know if he enjoyed it, and if he didn't, it would be so embarrassing that i even bothered...

And no, even though we have talked about things like this before (we said we wouldn't have sexual intercourse till older) but i don't think we are comfortable to talk about things like handjobs, i think it'd be really awkward.

A big component of being ready for sex of any kind is being able to communicate about it. Talking about sex can indeed feel awkward, if you aren't used to it, but if you feel like you really can't discuss it at all, then that's a pretty clear sign that it's just not the time to be having it. In this case, though, it sounds like it would be a good idea to talk about this so that you can clear things up and make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page here. We have an article about discussing sex with a partner that you may find helpful: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner