My Long Distance BF Wants to Be More Sexual and I Don't

[redleon]

Hi,

So, my long distance boyfriend and I started our relationship by being very sexual and have "Skype sex" and phone sex often. 4 months before I met him, I was sexually assaulted (not by him, because I didn't know him then) and then I started being very sexual online. Once I met him, I was still being very sexual, but we ended up really connecting emotionally. He knows that I was sexually assaulted and he is trying to respect that I need to stop (or at least take a long break from) all of the sexual videos/phone conversations that we used to have. However, I can tell that he wants to be more sexual since I stopped having Skype sex and all of that. I feel like I need to do something to please him sexually because I feel like if I don't he will not like me as much.

I talked to him about this last night, but kept the conversation short because he seemed tired and frustrated. He did tell me that he feels bad about all of the sexual things we used to do, though, because he feels like he made things worse for my mental state. When, in reality having an understanding person to emotionally connect with has been very helpful for my depression.

Basically, I am afraid to be too sexual with him because I know that I will end up associating him with the guy that sexually assaulted me, and I don't want to associate him with that jerk. My bf is an amazing person and we both have said that we could see this turning into a serious relationship. I just don't want to screw things up by making wrong sexual associations in my mind because that would (emotionally) hurt the both of us in the long-run.

Thanks in Advance,
Redleon

[Heather]

Hey there.

Have you yet said everything to him you just said to us here? If not, do you think you can try that and see where the conversation goes from there?

Also, it sounds to me like you're feeling guilty because someone wants something from you you don't presently want to give and don't currently want yourself. Do I have that right?

[redleon]

Have you yet said everything to him you just said to us here? If not, do you think you can try that and see where the conversation goes from there?

Also, it sounds to me like you're feeling guilty because someone wants something from you you don't presently want to give and don't currently want yourself. Do I have that right?

Hi! Thank you for your response

So, I mentioned these things to him last night when we were on the phone. But like I said I decided not to push the conversation because he seemed very out of it.

And, yes, most of what you said in the second quoted paragraph seems to be correct. However, I do want to eventually be sexual with him but I just don't think it is a safe decision for me mentally/emotionally now.

[Heather]

Can I ask if you generally feel guilt when someone wants something from you you don't, or isn't right to give, or if you're only having those feelings around someone wanting sex from/with you?

Too, if you wanted something sexual with/from him that he didn't want, or wasn't right for him, can you say a little about how you feel -- or think you would, if you haven't had this experience yet -- on the other side of this? And how you would hope he'd feel (for example, that you hope he'd feel like it was okay for him not to want to do everything you do)?

[redleon]

Can I ask if you generally feel guilt when someone wants something from you you don't, or isn't right to give, or if you're only having those feelings around someone wanting sex from/with you?

Too, if you wanted something sexual with/from him that he didn't want, or wasn't right for him, can you say a little about how you feel -- or think you would, if you haven't had this experience yet -- on the other side of this? And how you would hope he'd feel (for example, that you hope he'd feel like it was okay for him not to want to do everything you do)?

So, this first question is a very complicated issue for me that I have thought about quite a bit in the past. The answer is that most of the time I do feel guilty when someone wants something from me that I do not want to do/give to them. I believe that this stems from the fact that I want to please as many people as I can, which means I sometimes forget to think of myself, and sometimes put my happiness as a lower priority to others.

To answer you second question, I would likely feel somewhat dissapointed or sad, but would then try to see if we could find a happy middle-ground. I would hope that he would be okay with finding a middle-ground, and I would also hope that he would feel confident about saying no because I don't want to hurt him emotionally or do something that he doesn't consent to.

[Heather]

Do you think you can try and start applying that last paragraph to yourself? In other words, for sure: we can feel disappointed when we want something with someone sexually they don't, but disappointment is no big whoop. We get over it, and usually fast. And ideally, someone shouldn't feel bad about saying no (or not yet, or not now, or not like this...). Not only is that a sucky way to feel, but it makes our strong yesses a lot less meaningful and real.

Per the first para there, sounds like, then you might just need to start doing some work for yourself when it comes to seeing yourself in relationships to other people as a) not being there to please them and b) having a lot more to offer than just pleasing them.

Neither of these things, of course, are usually very fast work, but if we just stick to them when making our choices, and remind ourselves of them often, we can usually get there in time.

[redleon]

Do you think you can try and start applying that last paragraph to yourself? In other words, for sure: we can feel disappointed when we want something with someone sexually they don't, but disappointment is no big whoop. We get over it, and usually fast. And ideally, someone shouldn't feel bad about saying no (or not yet, or not now, or not like this...). Not only is that a sucky way to feel, but it makes our strong yesses a lot less meaningful and real.

Per the first para there, sounds like, then you might just need to start doing some work for yourself when it comes to seeing yourself in relationships to other people as a) not being there to please them and b) having a lot more to offer than just pleasing them.

Neither of these things, of course, are usually very fast work, but if we just stick to them when making our choices, and remind ourselves of them often, we can usually get there in time.

This definitely helps a lot Thank you!