Scarleteen

I started seeing someone about two months ago. We hit it off over lunch quickly and our second date ended with him staying overnight after sex (I'm a gay male, we are a few years apart in our 20s). We spent a lot of time together in the days afterwards and continued to have good sex repeatedly, usually once a visit. We share lots of cultural interest, have similar views on issues, ways of thinking, etc. It seemed great and we could spend whole days together. The relationship was wonderfully physical (hugging, cuddling, kissing, sleeping together, etc). A few weeks in, when I was initiating sex by touching his groin, he winced in pain, told me he had ripped his foreskin and we ceased activity. So the sex paused but the hanging out and constant contact (texting from waking to sleep at night) continued. However, after a reasonable amount of time for his injury to heal, the sex didn't pick back up and other physical activity seemed to stop (caressing, passionate kissing, etc). We went on an overnight trip, had a great timebut no sexual or intimate physical activity (outside of kissing or cuddling in bed) took place despite staying in a hotel with lots of privacy. I started to notice I was often the only one initiating it and became concerned. I backed off on hanging out after our trip, but everything else seemed fine. When we did hang out later in the week, I asked what was happening with him/us and was told "I don't want to talk about it right now, but we can soon" in response. Our time together before during the day was fine, great, etc.

A few days later (about two weeks ago), we talked and the conversation now confuses me in retrospect. I gave him a forum to talk and was told, in summary: "I love hanging out with you. I find you very attractive and the sex we had was GREAT. However, I also feel incredibly close, comfortable and familiar with you. Even after a month or so, you're seeing me at my most comfortable, like I am around my best friends. But the thought of having sex with you just doesn't seem right to me at the time. I want sex, I'm always turned on, but I just don't know what to do. I feel SO CLOSE to you that sex doesn't seem like something I can process now. But I didn't want to tell you all this and have you leave, because I love spending time with you, feel close, etc and was afraid you would get pissed and leave me." I largely agreed, afraid to lose a new friend who I am enjoy greatly (I just moved to a new city and have few friends) and, as expected, after the conversation the awkwardness disappeared. We hang out once more, but I pulled back a bit because I wasn't sure how I felt about the situation or if I/he needed space.

We've hung out a few times in the past two weeks, but not as much. A few days ago, before getting lunch I was told "Do you even want to hang out with me as much?" I confronted him about the comment, said I wanted nothing more, and he irritatingly said it seemed I was uninterested. I rebuffed this and cleared up the issue. Yesterday, after another hangout, I brought up the topic again and apologized, saying "I don't want to hurt this. I love the intimacy and the friendship I didn't know what to do for a few days after our conversation." He forgave me and copped to being passive aggressive for a reaction, which I interpreted as him being very jealous of my time when he responded: "Well, you're always out doing something or doing stuff with other people and not me! I want to do those things with you too! Duh! You seem like you don't want to spend time with me as of late." I know I have priority for him, based on the rate and time of his responses; he is obviously irked at my seemingly passive response to seeing him.

Here's my dilemma, minus the long exposition: We are not dating each other, as far as I understand. We have both gone on dates with others. But, aside from the sex and lack of physical intimacy that was there before, we have continued the same close knit behavior. We have plans together throughout the next few months and he has pushed me into attending events "because I want to do those things with you." I've picked him up from work when he's been in tears, I've now met all of his friends and everything we have done as continued (including texting me when we wakes up! and health info! and nonsense! and pictures of him! and things we can do later!) at the same rate, minus the actual getting together for activities and, obviously, sex. He's extremely jealous of my time and, apparently, has been pissed I haven't spent time with him in person. I love being with him and his reaction to my recent absences suggest he feels the same, even if he doesn't always express it.

I know I need to have another clarifying conversation re: "what this is", because I feel more invested than ever, somehow, and want to have something great, preferably as a "relationship", not just a friendship, with this person. What else can I bring up to this person? Do I go for a clearing house "This is what I want. This is what I think holds promise here. What is holding you back?" Or do I continue to build intimacy, closeness and value it as a new relationship, regardless if it is platonic or romantic? I am greatly invested in this person, am trying to fix my past errors with him and want this to continue to ____________ ?

Sorry this is long, but I tried to edit and keep in relevant info at the same time. I came here via http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/ ... -i-do-now/ and feel like the 8th paragraph onwards clarified some things for me re: this situation.

To clarify, I've read these columns and have gleaned some valuable information:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... g_too_fast
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... and_sonots

It does seems like of a "too much too soon" situation and maybe just a dash of "emotionally unsure in your early 20s" thing happening, but that's projection on my part

So it seems like the situation you have here is that you've met this guy, you were initially dating and then pulled back to a friendship which appears to have most of the qualities of dating, anyway, and you would like to be in a relationship with this person, and you're not sure how to approach this/him - am I reading this correctly?

I think the first thing that you need to work out is exactly what it is that you want out of your relationship with this person. It sounds like you're very invested in him, and you describe a fair amount of emotional intimacy, but it may be that a non-sexual relationship is still what he needs, as per what he expressed two weeks ago - would that be something that you'd be okay with in a romantic relationship? It also seems like you don't have matching amounts of time for each other, which has resulted in him expressing jealousy, so there'd also be some thinking there to do in regards to how much time you have for him versus the remainder of your social life and activities. I think you might find this article pretty helpful in helping you work out and discuss what is it you both want: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

It also sounds like you've been really good and clear with regards to communication, and it's great to hear that you plan to continue that by having another clarifying conversation.

(As a side note, I'm really glad you've been able to find some useful information in those articles!)

For the sake of clarity, yeah, I think I would like to end up in a romantic relationship with this person. After writing that first post out, talking with other friends and gaining some new perspectives I feel like ... this is fine, this is good, maybe this is the step to building something solid and lasting, no matter it turns into. So, yes, if he is pursuing this romantically on some level, I can wait for him to deal with his things before having a sexual relationship with him. I tried my best to summarize that conversation I had with him, but him saying he wasn't ready for a sexual relationship (or he wasn't sure if a sexual relationship was what he wanted since he felt "so close to" me) was a big point. So I guess I'll wait and, in the meantime work on what I WANT out of this/any relationship and see where things line up. It's definitely the first time I've done this - getting to know someone first - before barreling into something more intimate with them, even though obviously that took place. I ended an almost 4-year relationship earlier this year and I've learned a million lessons about open and honest communication that have helped me with this so far.

So, since I've been blurry on the rest of it, I'm just trying to interpret his actions through "Is this part of just being friends with you OR is this you building a strong, healthy relationship with me before you deal with the possibility of having a sexual relationship with me?" Like, yesterday as an example: he invited me to his workplace yesterday (a wine bar) to keep him company all day. I showed up and his co-workers said "We've been waiting for you!" excitedly, so he told them I was coming and everyone (including him, who waited on me/came over often) was excited to see me. I stayed his whole shift (over 3 hours), hung out while he did some tasks and then we went out somewhere else. Went back to his place, watched a movie -- "Pride and Prejudice" which felt very real -- talked until 3 AM about somewhat serious stuff. He told me his co-worker complimented my physical appearance -- "He is very very attractive" -- while I was there and he agreed with her (well, I guessing). I mean, I love my friends and am happy when they can spend time together, but I don't know if I would excitedly tell everyone a friend was coming to see me at work, I can't wait for him to get here, where is he, etc.

We do have a large amount of matching time for each other (I am not working right now, he is employed PT second shift), so the lack of time together was me just doing things with other people for whatever subsconscious reasons I had. I've committed myself to making much more time for him, being proactive in asking him to do things, etc.

So I'm doing the right things and being honest with myself, I think. I've been open about communication and I'll have another conversation with him if I feel like boundaries are becoming blurred for me again. I guess my concern is that I'm projecting what I want into his behavior towards me and reading the situation incorrectly. I've opened up to a few people about this, though, and they seemingly agree with me re: his actions. Like, he has something he isn't telling me or maybe wants to tell me and he's taking his time unpacking it while we spend a LOT of time together. That's great for everyone, because it'll just build on our new friendship, but I don't want to carry this in the back of my head for X amount of time and then turn out to be utterly, totally wrong about what was happening either. It feels like, though, if it DOES turn into something, it'll be worth the work done and actually mean something.

I'd love to read that article and the link doesn't go anywhere.

Hey, bookstore! I just wanted to let you know that the main site is going under some updates and that's why you can't open the article Ruth linked you to. Sorry about that, but the good news is this is just temporary and we are hoping by Wednesday everything goes back to normal. So, if you are still interested on reading the article you will be able to do it then.