I Don't Know What to do!!

[Don'tCare9]

Okay so I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We started dating when I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. He was 20 or 21 and had already graduated. He has been with me through some of the hardest times in my life so far. He was there when I was put into foster care and when I had to go to court for my rape when I was 10. So 2 years ago when I was in foster care I was told that as a minor he was charged with sodomy. I was shocked because obviously this is a touchy subject for me. When I asked him he made up some story and swore to me that it was the truth. Well fast forward to a few months ago. He finally tells me the truth or so I think. He said that yes he was charged with sodomizing his nephew but he didn't actually do it. He said that his half bother raped his sister and that his half brother was just trying to get back at the family so he accused him of sodomy. The thing is that I don't know if he actually did it or not. I mean I see a future with him but not if he is a predator. I'm too scared to ask him if he is lying again and idk if I would be able to tell if he is. What do I do? Thanks in advance

[al]

Hi there Don'tCare9, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I can see why you're feeling upset- it must have been difficult to hear that someone that you've come to trust has been accused of assault. It must have been even tougher to confront him about it, and to hear an answer that he swore was the truth, only to find out what you presume is the actual truth later. Especially when he was someone that you feel has helped you with some of the painful things you've been through.

If I can reflect your question back to you a little, what does your gut tell you? I know you said that you're not sure if you could "tell" if he's a predator or not, and that's normal- only criminal psychologists have that skill, and even then sometimes they're wrong. But how do you feel about your relationship in general? You mentioned that you feel too scared to ask him if he's lying again. Does he lie to you often? Do you often feel afraid to bring things up with him?

[Don'tCare9]

Thanks for the response al. As far as I know he hasn't lied that often. Its not that I'm scared to ask him I think I'm more scared of the answer. I'm scared to bring stuff up with him because he is a very important part of my life. Like we've talked about marriage and having kids in the future. That's another thing that scares me is that he did it and he could do it to our child if we have one. My gut isn't helping me unfortunately.

[Sam W]

Hi Don'tcare,

If he's someone who you want to plan a future with, then it sounds like you owe it to yourself to get as clear on what happened as possible. And that can definitely be a scary thing to contemplate. You could ask him again if you think doing so would give you more information. Is there anyone else you could ask about what happened, like his family or the people who you found this our from?

Too, something to consider in light of this is that he was in his twenties when he started dating 15 year old you. Generally speaking, when a twenty year old dates a 15 year old, that sets off some concerns for us here. It also sounds like he knew you prior to that. Could you tell me more about how he moved from supporting you when you were ten to dating you when you were fifteen?

[Don'tCare9]

Well i didnt know him i was ten i didnt meet him until i was about 14. The way he supported me was the charges did get filed until a few years ago. So he was there when i had to go to court and testify.

[Heather]

Do you feel like you owe him something because of that? Or think that because someone helps one person, that means they couldn't have, or won't, harm someone else?

I also hear you saying you are scared to ask him things in case, I assume, he tells you a truth you don't want. But I think it's a good idea to think about how keeping yourself from the truth here serves you. Can you talk about why you think it is better to not know something dangerous about someone who you are very vulnerable with?

[Don'tCare9]

I don't necessarily think it's better not to know it's just I love him and he is one of the only people to know about what happened and I guess I'm scared that somebody might not ever love me because of it. And I don't think I owe him and kinda. I just want to know but im scared of the truth. Plus I don't know how to talk to him about it.

[Heather]

If I'm hearing you right, you are worried that this guy is the only person, in the whole world, who will love and accept you (if he does) because you are a rape survivor? That no one else but this one guy could or would do that?

I have a lot to say here (some from the perspective as someone who works with people with these issues, others from having been there in a bunch of ways myself way back when). I'm just going to toss it all out and dig in. Maybe read it like you'd read a letter from a friend. You don't have to take it all in at once if you can't or it doesn't feel helpful to you, and you also obviously can do with any of it what you will. I'm also glad to talk in more detail about any of it you'd like to, or talk with you about possible options and next steps. Just ask.

First things first. I can absolutely promise you, with a 100% guarantee, that for any of us who are sexual abuse or assault survivors, or who have survived other things, like being in the system, that there is way more than one person in the world who will love and accept us if we let them and open ourselves up to them. I PROMISE that this is not the only person who will do that, again, presuming that is even what this person is doing and has done. I PROMISE more than one person on earth can -- and will -- love and accept you, including accepting you as a person who has survived abuse and trauma.

I really need you to know that, because if you don't know and believe that, no matter what goes down with this, it's going to be awfully hard for you to get through otherwise.

I say that bit about his love and support being a maybe not to make you feel bad. That's the last thing I would want to do. But the very, very hard truth (and man, is it hard) is that predatory people have, unfortunately, an easier in with anyone who is extra vulnerable, and who believes, for example, that no one could possibly love them or accept them. And predatory people know that about us and often also know how to use it to their advantage. They know how to validate that wrong idea so that we let them in and keep them in.

Now, I can't know much for sure about this guy, especially since it sounds like you know so little yourself. But I can know what you already know, and what you have shared here. I can know that you were informed, he was charged with a sexual abuse of someone vulnerable, something he himself has verified, even if he's suggesting it somehow wasn't bonafide (which would be highly unlikely, from what I can tell with the story he's telling you). So, I feel like we both can know that it is more likely than not this person has been predatory with his nephew, at a minimum. I feel like we both can know that it sounds very likely this person got started abusing vulnerable people pretty early on in his life.

I think also can know that you just do not feel totally safe with him. When you say that you are afraid to ask him for the truth and don't feel comfortable asking him about something that is so hugely important to you (which, if he really did understand your trauma and its impact on you at all, he'd also understand), that tells me that you don't feel totally safe with this person. And that the relationship you have with him can't be that good if you can't talk to him about some of the things that matter the very most to you. That's something we can do, even when it's difficult, when we feel safe with someone.

I know, too, that this is someone who you feel kind of rescued or saved you in some ways. Now, I don't know if he actually did that or not, or if you're just seeing it that way because he's the only person you had around during that time. But I do know that when we view someone like that, when we give them that kind of place or role in our lives, it is often very, very hard to have a healthy intimate relationship with them. (That's why there are ethical boundaries, for example, about people being someone's therapist while also their spouse, family member or friend.) It's also super hard to see them very clearly because we can feel so grateful to them, and like we owe them everything. We can feel like it's even disloyal, in a way, to do things like ask them for the truth, question them, or even to doubt them in any way.

As well, it often takes some time -- and often a lot of work, like in therapy or other ways of processing our trauma -- for us to learn how to even spot danger if and when we've grown up in it, which it sounds like you have. When danger, predation and/or abuse has been our normal, it's much harder for us to see it coming, or even see it when we're right in it.

I actually think your gut feelings are helping you here, but that maybe it's just -- understandably -- super hard to believe them or even deal with them. Reading just your posts here, I hear a person who seems to sound pretty clear that they do not feel safe, healthy and happy in a relationship, but obligated, fearful, worried, distrusting and very stressed out. And I think those feelings are all very valid here, and that you'd serve yourself best by paying attention to them and heeding them even though I understand that what that means is also very scary to you, especially if you feel like this guy is your only shot at love and acceptance, and/or that HE got you through what you got through (rather than you doing it, which was probably more the case, as it nearly always is).

So.

This is all really, really hard stuff, obviously, including some of what I have said here, even though my intent isn't to hurt you or make you feel bad, but to do what I can to support you and help you out.

Assuming you want to talk more about this with me (you certainly don’t have to), it’s probably best to just check in first about how any or all of this makes you feel, and if you’re doing okay with those feelings, or need some help first just coping with them.

[Don'tCare9]

Hi Heather! Thanks for your thouggts i really appreciate it. So i talked to him about it and he still says that it didnt happen but i asked his sister and she said that she wouldnt trust her with her children when she has them! So that worries me plus he is super controlling. He always bad mouths my old friends. He always want to know what im doing and i live with him and im in college and dont have a job so its not like i can just leave cause i have nowhere to go if i want to. Plus since we have talked again he has been super nice like he will send me cute messages and tell me how much he loves me and how amazing i am! I just dont know if i can trust him. Plus like he was involved with a 14-15 year old girl right before me and i was 15 when we started dating and he was 20 and he graduated 5 years before i did and thats another thing hes only had a realationship with one girl that was 1 year younger than him! I just dont know what to do. Like i love him and we have been together for 4 years but after a lie like this how am i expected to trust him because honestly i have bad trust issues before this so this is really hard.

[Heather]

I completely understand that sometimes people are not in a situation where they can just up and leave an unsafe or unhealthy relationship the second they realize they're in one. And when you live with that person and are economically dependent on them, it is obviously a very difficult situation. Having been in the system obviously makes that even harder. I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

We obviously haven't talked a whole lot about the whole of this relationship, but so far, it really doesn't sound like something likely to be healthy or to stay safe for you, especially emotionally. You're talking now about this person socially isolating you in some ways, controlling you when you are not with them in others, and what sounds like a pretty common cycle of abuse, including emotional abuse (control and manipulations, then a bunch of sweet stuff is how this tends to go). I personally would not suggest you trust this person, because it seems clear anyone would have very good cause not to. It's not bad to distrust untrustworthy people: we shouldn't, because that isn't in the interest of our safety and well-being.

So, my best advice would be that you start making a plan to get out on our own and separate from this person, and take what steps you can now to get started on that.

Really, it's in everyone's best interest, when possible, to be economically and otherwise independent anyway, even if and when people choose to cohabitate or otherwise merge their lives, so it's not like those wouldn't be good steps regardless.

Is that something you feel ready to start talking about, or would you like to talk more about this relationship to evaluate it?