Scarleteen

At the beginning, sex usually feels really good. But after a few minutes, it will abruptly stop and either feel vaguely uncomfortable or simply feel like nothing, causing me to get bored and lose my arousal. It is really odd, because before this switch happens it sometimes feels UHMAZING and then in a single instant, bam, nothing. (I'm 99.5% positive that the issue isn't that I'm having an orgasm. It feels good, but it's nothing like that, and often this issue happens when things are mildly pleasurable but nothing more).

When I was younger and experimented with masturbating, this exact thing happened so I lost interest and never really masturbated growing up. Since I started being sexually active with my boyfriend a year ago, I have begun masturbating, and I experience this problem both by myself and when I have intercourse with him. I thought it was just because I was new at sex and things would get better with time, but there has been no improvement. My boyfriend and I have both been getting pretty demoralized that this isn't working for me.

Whenever I try to search online for help, all that comes up are posts about people who find sex doesn't feel as good as it used to, which isn't what I'm looking for. Is there something wrong with me? How can I fix this?

Hi Cello,

When you have sex, or when you masturbate, do you feel like you're mentally engaged as well as physically engaged? In other words, do you feel like your brain is as turned on as your body and is also continuing to be stimulated as sex progresses?

What do you think would happen if you and your partner tried focusing on types of sex that aren't penis in vagina intercourse for awhile? That could be manual sex, oral sex or, if you're comfortable doing so, bringing a sex toy or two into the mix to introduce some new sensations.

Hi Sam,

We've tried oral, manual, and even vibrators, but I always experience the same thing. When I'm by myself, I've tried looking at sexy images that turn me on, and I'm an imaginative person so I feel like I get pretty mentally stimulated. That's what's got me so confused... based on everything I've read, there's no reason for this to be happening.

That does sound frustrating. It may not solve the issue entirely, but what about you and your partner experimenting with focusing on only things that do cause ongoing pleasure? That would likely mean penetrative sex is off the table for a bit, but things like kissing, massage, etc may not be. It might be helpful and enjoyable for you to not run up against that frustration from loss of sensation for awhile.

Can I also ask if, during sex with your partner, you are fantasizing like you do alone?

I ask because many people do that with partners (and study on this has tended to suggest it's particularly common with women), and it is often part of what makes sex stay fun and interesting for people. It's also completely okay to do.