Scarleteen

Hi,
I have made a big mistake and now I'm not sure how to get out of it, I have been having sex with a guy for about a month now, at first it seemed like it a good thing to do, at first it seemed like something I wanted, something I could handle, it was a two way thing where we are both adults and for both of us it served a purpose, it's been pretty good. However this morning, I got a message from this guy that made me feel super uncomfortable. Out of the blue he sent me a message asking me to wear an outfit next time we get together, how next time he would prefer if I wore makeup, had my hair straight and took my piercings out. He said he would probably get off better that way.
After every time we do have sex, it's like I get a running commentary of events. This might be a couple hours later, it might be a few days later. Sometimes this is when we are in the car, or it's sent in a text message or whatever but Friday it was when we were walking around a store doing grocery shopping. He's an older guy so I would have throught that he would know walking around a store discussing this stuff would make me feel uncomfortable. Having him dissect stuff like it's some sort of exam paper that requires a grade at the end is making me feel pretty weird.
Maybe this is due to my self confidence issues, I'm not sure.
ive known this guy for a long time and he helps me out in other ways apart from just the sex and I know it would get super complicated if it came out that I'd been sleeping with him.
How do I stop this in it's tracks without making it a big thing. We have to still see each other in certain spaces but I just don't want to sleep with him anymore, it was fun at first but now TBH i just feel super weirded out by the whole thing.

Thanks

Hi Tigger. I'm sorry to hear that this has turned out to be an uncomfortable situation: I can understand how him doing things like talking about sex in detail in a public space could feel pretty awkward.

Per how to approach this with him, I'd suggest keeping it straightforward and simple; something like, "Hey, I've decided that I don't want to continue our sexual relationship; it's just not what I want at the moment." That's really all you need to say (in your own words, obviously), although if you'd like - and depending on what your relationship with this person is beyond sex - you could add something about whether or not you want to maintain the friendship aspect, or how much interaction you'd like with them at work, whatever applies.

Hey,

like I said, I've made a massive mistake. I'm sleeping with someone I have no business sleeping with. He is older, he's helped me out doing other things with me/for me. I don't know why I thought it would be ok to start this thing off, maybe I wasn't thinking of outcomes. My fear is that by telling him I don't want to do this anymore, other people might find out and then that could make it worse. I have a lot more to lose than he does.

Hi Tigger,

I think Karyn's advice about ending it as directly and clearly as possible still stands. Are there particular people you're concerned about him telling, or things you think might result from that? Because while you may lose something if he tells people, you'll also be gaining freedom from someone who is clearly making you uncomfortable and unhappy.

Hi Sam,
I agree that Karyn's direct approach will be the best way to go. As I said I'm not sure why I thought this thing could work. Stupidity probably.
He has been helping me get in contact with my mum again, sort of sowing the seed to be able for me to have contact with her and my family as well as helping me out around my house and stuff. The guy I've been sleeping with is my Aunts partner. Like I said a massive massive mistake, I thought I could handle it, he started it all off and now I wanna end it, I can't say 100% that he won't tell someone I've been sleeping with him, he isn't happy in their relationship and is looking to end that (not an excuse, just trying to explain) so when I say he has nothing to lose really that's what I mean. I on the other hand do want to get in contact with my mum again. Even if it's just a hello every so often.

Hi Tigger,

so, yes, I agree, that wasn't a wise thing to get into. I think it's important to say too that he was really out of line here: his own monogamy agreements (presuming those were in place) were his, and his responsibility to keep.

It's always a thoroughly dodgy sign if someone pursues and starts something with a partner's younger family member: creating such big potential family conflicts isn't a thoughtful or kind thing to do, quite the opposite. Too, it's clear that for you, this was going to be a risky, all-bad-outcomes, potential-big-issues-in-your-personal-life thing to do. In the context of you experiencing a relatively recent assault and your other history you've shared with us, I think the best thing any of us could suggest would be for you to take all of this to a therapist, and do some long-term work on things like being able to identify people and situations that are likely to be, at the very least, counter to your basic best interests, and how to steer clear of them if they try to come your way. Too, a therapist would be able to provide real support for your family relationships without also causing you giant compromises within your family (unlike that guy). A therapist who you see regularly is much more likely to be able to unpack the things you need to, and give you much more specific support, than we can here; it's sounding like that would help you best and best meet your needs.

Hi Redskies,
That all makes perfect sense to me! I'll take this to my therapist.
Thanks for listening