How to build relationships when you can't love?

[AspieMcGhee]

Yes, it sounds like an overstatement, but, believe me, it isn't.

I'm 15 and I was born left-brain dominant. This means that my left brain, the side associated with logic, facts, and introversion, reigned supreme while my extroverted, creative right brain got sat on until my parents got me help in the form of Brain Balance when I was 13 and going to a different, smaller school than now. However, in coming most of the way out of my shell, I realized I had a lot of shortcomings besides an uncanny ability to alienate nearly everyone else and a monotonous voice like a robot. One of those things is that I don't form attachments, either to objects or people, which is really what love is, when you boil it down. I mean, if my entire family were in a car and we crashed, and I was the sole survivor, I probably wouldn't even grieve or mourn much.

Naturally, since the universe must be out to get me, I still have a sex drive, and, funnily enough, there are a few girls who have admitted that they wouldn't mind starting relationships with me (go figure), and I feel the same. However, I'm afraid I might use them one after the other for their bodies, rather than treat them like people with actual minds and personalities. I'm wondering what I can do to create meaningful relationships so that I don't leave a trail of heartbroken, abused girls in my wake?

[Sam W]

Hi AspieMcGhee,

I guess my first question is, if these feelings around attachment are something that you're struggling with, are they something that you want to change? For instance, your voice and way of speech is something you could work to alter if you wanted to.

Out of curiosity, have you ever (or do you currently) have friends that you spend time with? I ask because, while attachment is a part of loving people, it's not the whole of it. Intimacy places a big role as well. If you read this article, do feel like any of the things it mentions relate to your life?: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

Too, even if you find as you go through life that your preference is towards casual sex, that's not inherently a bad thing. Plenty of people can have healthy, casual sexual relationships. The key thing there is to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about what you each want from the relationship.

[Heather]

If it also helps to think about, I would personally posit that love isn't actually attachment like you're suggesting (and I know is a common idea), and that not only can we love without attachment, but that in some ways, attachment can actually make loving ourselves and others more difficult (because then it gets all tangled up in self-interest, fears of abandonment and loss, etc.)

There's a lot in Buddhist literature and thought about this, because trying to learn not to have attachment BUT learn love and compassion is awfully core to Buddhism. So, if that is something you want to learn more about as a concept and praxis, there's a lot out there within reach.

Would you like to talk about how to pursue and explore sexual relationships that aren't linked to romantic feelings, a desire for a relationship besides a sexual relationship, or attachments or ongoing commitments? After all, while I am not totally on board with the idea you can't love, it certainly isn't a requirement to have healthy, respectful sexual interactions.