Scarleteen

I'm 15 years old, living in NYC currently. Two years ago, I was living in Texas with an abusive stepfather and my family. My stepbrother, Charlie, became close to me and developed feelings for me. My older brother became angry at him for personal reasons and in November of 2013, Charlie murdered my brother then brutally raped me and fled the state. After this I became severly mentally ill (PTSD). I shaved my head, began attacking classmates in my new town and eventually had to be sent to psychiatric ward for self harm and drug abuse. It's been a year now and I'm ready to heal from all of it. I have a boyfriend and recently we've been getting a bit sexual. He was pulling off my top (which I consented to) when I had a flashback/trigger and attacked him for it. I cried so hard because my PTSD is getting in the way. Despite this, he told me that he understands and that he can be patient and for us to take it slow. I feel like i'm used and worthless because of Charlie, I want to have sex but he hurt me so badly that i cant even work properly. am i broken? should i try to have sex again?

Hi muidet, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Before I say anything else, I just want to say that you are absolutely not broken, and you are not used or worthless. Someone else chose to abuse you and do you harm: that is not your fault, and it doesn't impact on your worth.

Can I ask if you currently see a therapist or psychiatrist or a mental healthcare professional of any kind? Figuring out how to manage triggers is a learning process that can take some time, and something that a therapist or counsellor can be very helpful with. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I'd suggest taking any kind of sex off the table for now, until you feel like you have a better handle on what your triggers are, how to work around them and how to manage if you are triggered.

I was taking therapy for awhile but felt it wasn't doing much for me. Theyve prescribed me xanax and it made me feel weird so i stopped taking it too. in psychiatric care i was only diagnosed and given tests. Otherwise, no, i currently dont take therapy.

Was the therapist you saw someone who specializes in working with survivors? If not, that would be the best thing to seek out.Do you have a sense of where to start looking for that kind of resource?
With psychiatric care, if you choose to seek that out again you can discuss your experience with xanax with them so the two of you can work on alternative ideas.

The therapists I saw specialized in sexual abuse in teenagers. I've considered it, but due to my past of abusing prescription drugs I've tended to avoid it as a whole.

It sounds like then a conversation to have when you seek out a new therapist and psychiatrist is to discuss your issues with prescription drugs and figure out a treatment plan that takes that into account.