Scarleteen

Hello!
I'm 17yrs old and recently I've decided that I want to go on the pill to finally end my period problems. Every single time I start my period, the cramps are horrendous, I get upset stomach/diarrhoea and I have to stay home for at least a day curled up in a painful ball; these symptoms are a serious bummer in my life and cause many inconveniences, mainly because they are also very irregular and unpredictable. I've just landed my first part-time job and know for a fact that I can't work while I have these symptoms, so I really want them to end or at the very least be controlled.

But I have another reason why I want to go on the pill and it's that I want to have sex in the near future. My boyfriend and I have talked this over my times, discussed the potential risks and have communicated very openly about our fears and our questions. We believe that safe sex is a must (Condoms or any sexual aid that is needed) and agree to only do it when we feel prepared and 100% ready to accept the risks and if we are mature enough to deal with the aftermath. I said that I'd only consent to sex if I felt protected with condoms and birth control combined; he says that's perfectly fine and will wait for me. I fully trust him, feel confident around him and I really like him a lot, I'm prepared to lose my virginity to him and accept all the consequences that follow; if we break up in the future, I will accept it and not regret my choice to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend. Those are my thoughts.

However, a recent event has made me doubt myself and my choices. When bringing the birth control topic up with my mother, she asked which one it was for: Period problems or to prevent pregnancy? I felt that I should come partially clean about my thoughts on how I have been thinking about sex, so told her that I wanted it for period problems... but also to prevent accidental pregnancy. My mother is a nurse so I do trust her judgement and her knowledge on the topics of sex. She's been there, done that and talked about it with patients countless times. Yet when talking to her, she clearly expressed her shock and displeasure about me thinking about having sex with my high school boyfriend. I've never been the one to act this way and I've never expressed any interest in front of her because she never knew what I was truly thinking. She believes that I should wait and that my thoughts will pass since I'm a hormonal teenage girl, but I've had these thoughts for to long; they are not going away anytime soon. I believe her thoughts are coming from the fact that she beleives sex should be something between two, preferably married, adults and not young adults. Because of her reaction, I'm scared to have a completely honest conversation with her. I've never told her how far we've gone, how we makeout, how we preform manual sex, talk dirty and how we've seen each other naked on multiple occasions (but have NOT had sex). I feel shameful and like a disappointment for secretly being sexual and telling her my plans, even though she said she wouldn't be disappointed if I did have sex and that'd she'd always love me (The only disappointment she would feel is if I did become pregnant. The reason I want birth control is to PREVENT the pregnancy and to not make life changing mistakes). I don't want her to see me as a duaghter who brings shame or to view me differently because of choices I made on my own accord. I want her to know I'm responsible and that I'm taking the proper steps for protecting myself as I mature and make adult choices.

The whole point of my rambling is that I'm doubting myself about my choice to have sex. I personally DO feel ready. I've talked honestly with my boyfriend about my fears, feelings and doubts and in turn I've listened to his. We agree to take steps in preventing STIs and unwanted pregnancies before having sex. We are both consenting people and we both trust eachother. It's not a choice we made on a whim, we've been talking about this for months in advance and we know it's a very serious choice to make. I really don't want to go against my mother's wishes and have sex behind her back but if I never tell her she wouldn't know. I am conflicted between doing what feels right for me and doing what is told is right for me. I'm very confused and torn between the two. Do you have any advice that could help me decide the choice that is right for me? Do you have an opinion on my situation that you'd like me to know and consider?

And to come back to my first few paragraphs and end this very long post: is there a birth control that helps period problems AND prevents pregnancy? I know the hormonal pill used for periods is a small dose and is not a good way to prevent pregnancy but does a higher dose pill do both? (Prevent pregnancy and help period symptoms?) I'm very uninformed about this as you may have been able to tell. I'm going to the doctors soon so I will be sure to ask all the questions I need to be well informed.

Thank you very much in advance for the advice,
I hope you have a lovely day

Okay, so the easy part first: whether or not the pill is the right thing for you in terms of your menstrual symptoms is really going to depend on why you're having them. For some people, it can be the right thing, while for others, it won't help with symptoms like yours, or can even make them worse. So, what I'd suggest you do -- separate from you wanting birth control or thinking about sex with a partner -- is make an appointment with an OB/GYN to be evaluated with these menstrual symptoms. They can examine you and run some tests to get an idea about what is going on and what is most likely to help.

There's also some incorrect stuff in here about the pill -- like the question of higher/lower dosage, which actually isn't really a thing in the last 20 years now that all combined pills are effectively low-dose, or the idea a different pill is used for all period issues than for BC, when in fact, all combined oral contraceptives prevent pregnancy, and all do so at the same effectiveness levels -- where it sounds like you're trying to prescribe yourself a method rather than letting a healthcare provider do that job, when they're the ones qualified to do that.

Again, for the period stuff, you need to first have a healthcare provider look into the why of your symptoms to determine what kind of treatment is best to address them, which may or may not be any birth control method. In other words, if you do come to the conclusion you want a birth control method, it may be that that and treatment for your menstrual issues are simply two different things.

Moving on to the issue we really can help you with here, since it doesn't require a health exam, let's talk about your conflicted feelings about possibly choosing to have intercourse (you say sex, but you have posted here about engaging in a kind of sex before, so I am going to assume this is just about intercourse).

I think what might be most helpful is, if you can, to see if you can't take a few minutes to take your mother's opinions and possible reactions out of the equation. Lets instead just pretend for right now that you had a parent who would be totally supportive and accepting whether you did or did not decide to have intercourse.

So, let's pretend that that's a given, and take everyone else out of the equation right now, too, except for you.

ONLY considering what you want and how you feel, how do you feel about possibly having intercourse with your partner soon? What different feelings or thoughts do you have when you really center this on yourself? I find it can also be helpful, when doing something like, to even ask yourself, "If my partner wasn't into this at all, would *I* still be really interested in it?" (Assuming, of course, that if you were and they weren't, it's obviously not something you'd do, but you might still just feel a strong want for it.)