Scared of having sex

[DarkLady]

Okay then, I'm 21 and never had partnered sex or been in a relationship. I've been dealing with some pretty poor mental health for the past few years, which lead to me being very isolated. I have only recently have I began to be socially active again by going to my college's lgbt society. I am in the final year of my undergraduate and might be moving away afterwords-where I don't know but I am applying to different jobs in different places. Because of how bad my mental health has been my love life has been non-existence. The most I've ever done is kissed someone. I've had a few people who wanted to do more but I've always turned them down. While I have mate a few people I liked romantically but its never led to anything even when I have mustered up the courage to say something to them about it.

The reason why I always turn down the idea of spending the night with someone when the opportunity arises is because I start panicking over the fact that it will be my first time and if this is really what I want.When I was younger I always pictured it happening with someone I cared about not someone I mate randomly one nigh on the dance floor.

Then this usually becomes a cycle which follows this pattern: 1.I am too old be so hung up on having a 'special' first time 2. I'm playing catch up to everyone else my age and just need to get on with it and get it over with. 3. Even if I do get into a relationship how the hell is the person I am with going to take all this. 4. I might be moving away to a different country soon so whats the point? 5.I don't what the future will bring anything could happen......and so on. I do suffer from anxiety and depression for which I take medication and I am in therapy for. So maybe all of this is part of that.

I do have a counselor and while we have talked about relationships I really don't feel like bringing up sex specifically (I find it just too awkward). I guess the main thing I am asking is how do I get past all of this anxiety I have about being with someone even it is just someone from a night out.

[Sam W]

Hi Darklady,

If it's important to your comfort to have your first sexual experience be with someone who you're in a committed relationship with, then that's absolutely a boundary you get to have. While some people are totally comfortable and happy having casual sex, plenty of other people feel most comfortable having it with someone who they have a longer relationship with. I'm confident that you're not the only person you're age who has that expectation. Although, it sounds like it might be helpful for you to flesh out what "special" looks like, so you'll have an easier time deciding if it's present.

It's true that having that limit might mean you wait a little longer to have sex, or that you pass up some willing sexual partners. But that's certainly not something that's going to put you behind everyone else. The way I think of it is that sex isn't a race where you have to catch up with each other, it's more like every person is out running on their own for fun. People go at different paces and like different routes, and there's no single, correct way to go for a run. Does that make sense?

With your therapist, I encourage you to bring these thoughts up with them. It may very well be kind of awkward, especially the first time. But most therapists are used to having those kinds of conversations, and also know how to help their clients work through that awkwardness. If you'd like, we could help you brainstorm some ways of bringing this up that feel the least awkward for you.

[DarkLady]

Hi Sam W

I suppose what I mean by special is that it is with someone I care about and someone who cares about me. It doesn't necessarily mean a long term committed relationship(but if that happens it will be fine) it could be be someone who was a close friend for instance( I know friendships and sex can lead to messy situations but this is just hypothetical here). Someone who knows me and I know them. Someone who I know will treat me right and open to communication. Basically I don't like the idea of it just being someone who doesn't know me, whose only interest is in getting laid etc. Basically I suppose you're right I don't like the idea of causal sex just to get off as it were (I know other people who do which is fine but it's not me).

On a purely logical level I get what you're saying and that I shouldn't be constantly comparing myself to other people in terms of romantic and sexual partners.It really enters my head when I hear that the person I am interested in has much more experience then me and I guess I become intimidated by it(even though said person in question hasn't done anything to intimidate me it's my own issues rearing their head).

I really don't know about bringing this stuff up in therapy because talking about it is pretty hard.

[Heather]

I have a little more to add than this (but just racing through right now, so need to save that for later), but per talking to your therapist, the "just blurt it out" route may be a way to go.

In other words, sometimes you just gotta pull off the band-aid, and doing it faster can make it easier. And then it is also done, and you have to move from there, basically.

So, maybe you just say to your therapist, right when you walk in the door, or even in email before an appointment, "I am feeling really worried about having a sexual life and the one I want and want to talk about it." Done. Boom.

And then you go from there, probably with a wave of relief powering you, to boot, because you're not holding that in anymore and have given something big some needed daylight.

[Heather]

Here's more!

I suppose what I mean by special is that it is with someone I care about and someone who cares about me. It doesn't necessarily mean a long term committed relationship(but if that happens it will be fine) it could be be someone who was a close friend for instance( I know friendships and sex can lead to messy situations but this is just hypothetical here). Someone who knows me and I know them. Someone who I know will treat me right and open to communication. Basically I don't like the idea of it just being someone who doesn't know me, whose only interest is in getting laid etc. Basically I suppose you're right I don't like the idea of causal sex just to get off as it were (I know other people who do which is fine but it's not me).

You know, the older people get the more likely, rather than less likely, this kind of scenario tends to become.

In other words, for the youngest teens, for example, romantic/sexual relationships tend to last no more than a few weeks on average. For teens in the middle, it gets more like a few months to six months. Only once people enter their late teens or twenties do we start to see it being more common for people to be in romantic and/or sexual relationships that are more committed and last longer. The fantasy of long-term sexual relationships looms large with younger people, but the reality for most is that those interactions or relationships are very short-term, and often are mostly sexual in nature when sex is involved, even if people have romantic ideals or fantasies about those relationships and interactions.

As well, communication skills, period, especially with sex, don't tend to be great for younger people, in large part because everyone -- not just some people, but all younger people -- are so new to it so haven't yet had practice.

By all means, we can have intense emotional experiences when we haven't known someone very long (be it as a friend or a sexual partner or both). And for sure, some people younger than you do great with some of the things you're looking for. But when we're talking broad realities, you finding what you are describing up there at your age is more likely than having found that in your teens.

On a purely logical level I get what you're saying and that I shouldn't be constantly comparing myself to other people in terms of romantic and sexual partners.It really enters my head when I hear that the person I am interested in has much more experience then me and I guess I become intimidated by it(even though said person in question hasn't done anything to intimidate me it's my own issues rearing their head).

I was just working on a piece this week that talked a little bit about this. (Not done yet, sorry! )

What I was writing about this is that if people have the idea experience with other partners, especially when we're talking about things besides practice with communication (which sadly often still isn't something a lot of people are cultivating or getting when they are sexually active) or practice being comfortable with your body or sexuality around someone else, makes a big, positive difference with new partners, they often don't turn out to have or share such great experiences.

Why do I think that? Well, I observe this stuff all day and have for a long time, but what I also know is that truly, every new partner is a whole bunch of new first times. What we learned sexually from one partner can literally be COMPLETELY inapplicable to the next. What we learn about ourselves tends to translate a bit better, but even then, how we feel with one partner and how we do with another can be very different.

So, when people can come to sex with a partner -- be it the first time they have been sexual with anyone, or the 301st -- with the mindset of it all being brand new, people tend to ask more questions, assume less, be more attentive, do things sexually together that are not one-size-fits-all (which it so doesn't with sex), but tailor-made to everyone involved and their unique relationship or interaction, things tend to be more satisfying for everyone.

Try not to get intimidated by the idea that someone who has had a partner, or more than one, before you, will be bringing something to the table you don't or can't. They may well not be, and they may even be a little stymied by it if they have the idea that that means they have nothing to learn. Make sense?

[DarkLady]

Hi Heather

Yeah, I can see what you're saying. When I actually think about some of my friends that have dated a lot their relationships haven't been great. So many of them have horror stories, short term relationships(i.e the longest has been three months for one person) and have been hurt. When I actually do think about it if I had been dating/having sex it would probably have been more of the same really. Especially how bad my mental health has been these last few years I don't think relationships would have been the best idea. I actually seem better off when I think about it that way.

So your saying is that even if my partner is more experienced then me it is still a first time for them because they've never been with me before? So it's new to both of us? I suppose I can see that. Might be better then looking for a partner who is non-judgmental then worrying about what experience they've had I haven't.

As for my therapist I honestly think if I was to just blurt this out I would die of a heart attack. Like I said we have discussed relationships but never gone into detail about my sex life. I guess I'll have a think about it.

[Sam W]

Hi Darklady,

Yep, that's exactly what Heather's getting at with that idea

Just to check, do you feel pretty comfortable with your therapist (you can like a therapist and still have subjects that feel awkward, but it's good to check)?

[Heather]

What if you slipped your therapist a note, or, like I said, just sent them an email in advance of your next appointment?

[DarkLady]

Yes I am comfortable with my therapist and we've talked about a lot of subjects. I suppose I could bring it up next session when we talk about relationships, I could just say it was something that worried me a lot. I think that would be easiest then, I could email ahead but I would feel very strange sending an email asking if we could talk about my sex life or lack there of.

[Lisa555]

Hey DarkLady. I'm just new in here and was just reading your post. Just wanna tell you that you're gonna be fine.

[DarkLady]

Hi Lisa55 Thank you thats very sweet. Also a thank you to Heather and Sam W for answering all my questions. I was able to bring this up to my therapist and the conversation was fine.