Just wanted to throw a few thoughts in about how to deal with the therapist issue. Things that might help, depending on you personally:
- printing off a reliable list - perhaps from the relevant licencing board for where you are, or perhaps from somewhere that has good-quality specialist knowledge about therapy - of what things you can expect from a therapist who is doing their job and being ethical, and what they should
not do, that you can use as a kind of baseline anchor for knowing what is and is not okay. i reckon you probably have a very good handle on what's okay and isn't after reporting an experience like that, but some people would find it helpful to have a thing like that physically in front of them.
- some therapists will do a short introduction over the phone to see if it's likely helpful for you to work with them. This is very much for you to decide whether this seems like someone who might be able to provide the help you need, and whether it's someone you might want to talk to. Certainly the first session, too, is a time when you get to find out how this person seems to you and if they're someone you want to consider seeing again. if they're not, that's okay. There's no need to decide there and then whether this is someone you trust or not - it's way early for that - just whether this is someone you might want to talk with in the future.
- know that you can honour your feelings and your instincts. After being manipulated by someone we trust, this can be pretty scary or tough to do. For any therapist - even if they were recommended by someone - you get to decide if you want to talk with them further or not. You're the authority on you and what feels right to you. If you don't feel good about a particular therapist- that's okay, that's your right, and it most likely means they're not the right fit for you. If you feel broadly positive about a therapist, that means it seems okay so far, and you can do with that whatever seems best to you, at whatever speed you choose.
- you can take your time. Trust is
earned, and that therapist really blew it. If you need to take some time to build up trust with someone, using some lower-stakes topics, you absolutely get to do that. A decent therapist will be fine with whatever pace seems right to you.
- you might consider telling a new therapist about the old unethical one. A decent therapist would want to know something like that, if you felt able to share, so that they could do what they can to negotiate around it and support you. A decent therapist will understand what a giant betrayal of trust and responsibilty that was, and will grasp what kind of effect it can have.
- if you know of any things that would make therapy seem more accessible to you, or make you feel safer, you might consider sharing those with a new therapist when you feel ready to. That would help them be able to work with you in a way you can manage, and you can also learn things about them and a little about whether you want to trust them from their reaction to something like that.
I'm so sorry that this sudden break-up has triggered this for you. I had a very long-term serious-relationship person end things fairly abruptly in a supremely hurtful way just one year younger than you are now, and it was truly awful. I feel you
Hang in there.
Obviously we're not mental health people, but if you'd like to talk about anything to do with the relationship or break-up at any point or you'd just like some support or a metaphorical shoulder to cry on, we're absolutely here for you for that.
