Scarleteen

About a week ago, I was sexually assaulted by a man I don't know. It could have turned to rape, but he stopped pretty quickly because he didn't want to get caught (it was at a party). It's extremely hard to talk about, and I've only told one person. I keep getting flashbacks and I often feel unsafe. I'm not sure if this is a normal reaction or if I'm overreacting.

Hi eliza! Welcome to Scarleteen, although I'm sorry it's under these circumstances! I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. It's extremely brave of you to come here to talk to us about this, as you've said it's very hard to do. I really admire your ability to identify your needs and to take care of yourself! You absolutely are not overreacting to this situation. It is a very common reaction to sexual assault to feel unsafe and have flashbacks. Someone has violated your bodily autonomy, and that is bound to make you feel less safe.

Going forward, do you think you'd like to look into reporting this incident? If so, we can help you with figuring out how to go about that. If not, that's totally fine -- this is entirely your decision. With the one person you talked to about this, did they respond well? Did you feel able to talk about how you felt, and did you feel heard? You may find that talking to a professional would be very helpful, as a lot of people do benefit from that after a sexual assault. Is that something you would like to look into? If so, we can totally help with that as well!

I can't recall much from that night because I have to admit that neither of us were completely sober. I'm afraid to tell anyone else because of the stigma. And I'm only 15. It's really weird because I feel both safer when I talk about it, and also less safe like it becomes more real and I have to live it over again.

Having mixed and conflicting feelings like you're having is totally understandable. So: you're saying you'd prefer not to talk to someone in person right now, is that right? That said, where would you like to go from here? What can we help you with? (If you just want to keep chatting here, by the way, we can do that! Just want to make sure we're not offering things that aren't useful or supportive to you.)

Talking on here has been nice. I feel like my emotions are real and valid and that make sense me feel safer. The friend I opened up to has also been very supportive, but I did kind of feel like they thought it was my fault. It's really difficult to feel like it's not my fault.

I'm so sorry your friend has suggested that, even if they have been supportive in other ways: unfortunately, victim-blaming is not uncommon, and it's a pretty widely-held misconception that people who are assaulted are to blame for their own assault. But, in case it helps to hear it, it is not your fault. It is the fault of the person who chose to assault you.

Besides talking here, are you doing anything else to take care of yourself right now?

I have been reading and writing a lot because it is relaxing for me. I've also been doing a lot of running to clear my head. It's really difficult to eat, though I don't know why. I've mostly just been keeping to myself I guess.

It's great that you have some strategies that are helpful. If you need more, we have a list of self-care helps here: Self-Care a La Carte.

Per the difficulty eating, that's understandable; losing your appetite is a pretty common response to stress. Sometimes it can be helpful to eat smaller meals more often, or to pick a few foods you know you really like and make sure you can get at least a few mouthfuls of those regularly. Not eating - even though you don't have an appetite - is something that can actually make you feel worse, so if you can manage it at all, it's important to eat something on a regular basis.

I have to head off in a few minutes, but there will be other staffers around soon. (In case you feel like you need more immediate support, you can call the hotline for sexual assault in your state on 1-800-942-6906.) Hang in there.

Hi Eliza, just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing today.

I'm feeling much better, thank you. My time on here has helped a lot, and my friend has been very supportive. Sometimes I'm scared because I get flashbacks of what happened, but I'm trying to push through it.

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better. When you're having flashbacks, are you noticing that there's anything in particular that's triggering them? Have you had any luck doing grounding exercises to center yourself in the current moment when a flashback is happening?

Sometimes it's just how someone touches me, or if someone is standing too close to me. Other times it's random words or phrases, and I'm going to start keeping track of them. Normally I just wait for the flashback feeling to go away and I might feel a little shakey afterward.

Hello there, Eliza. I hope it's okay to chime in with some ideas.

Sometimes is helpful to focus on some object around to help yourself grounded. Like, maybe a blanket. You can focus on the color, the pattern, how does it feel when you touch it. For some people that works. Then, when you are feeling better you can always try a cup of tea or some soothing music if there's something you might enjoy.

I hope this can help you ate least a little bit.