Problems with Sex/Relationship

[UltimateGarbage]

I'm a freshman, and I've been dating this sophomore for about 2 weeks now, and I'm having a few problems in the matter. First off, I can never seem to talk to him. I'm an incredibly shy individual, I can barely look him in the eye, let alone hold a conversation with him, it makes me feel so inadequate. Second, there was a point in time where we dated for, like, a week. Not long, I know. He was planning on kissing me some point in the day, and I knew, and me being extremely awkward, I tried to avoid it so he ended up kissing my friend instead, and we ended up breaking up. And he kept making this big deal about how he must have cheated, when I honestly didn't care. I'm one of the least attractive people you can meet, so I never really expected faithfulness in the first place, and I'm afraid something like that is going to happen again. And finally, he's a major pervert. It get's sickening. He always talks about wanting to "please me" and "pleasure me" and "fuck me" but I'm honestly really anxious about having to do that. I don't want to do it for another year at least, but he always insinuates it, and I feel like if I don't say yes, I'll lose him. Please help! And no, I'm not looking for "Break up with him" because as much as he has flaws, he can be so sweet to me, and make me feel special, and worth living. I have just as many defects as him, I can't expect him to be perfect. I just need some advice. Thank you for your time.

[Heather]

I hear you feeling a lot of sexual pressure from this person, as well as some big discomfort about how he's talking to you about sex. I also hear you saying you feel obligated to have sex with him to keep him around, even though you know that's not something you want anytime soon.

There's more to address here (including being so afraid of losing someone after just a couple weeks of dating, and the trickiness of dating at all when you have really low self-esteem), but to start: have you told him all of what you have told us just now about this? Have you told him how he is talking to you makes you feel pressured and asked him to stop?

[Blueswan]

Let's begin with the fact that you should never feel pressured into sex by anyone. That is unhealthy and can become abusive. A good partner will give you time and talk with you.

Secondly, it seems like you were intimidated by him and couldn't communicate with him well. Any healthy relationship requires that. I suggest you practice necessary discussions with friends in the future.

Thirdly, you should practice loving yourself before you do anything serious. You will never regret it. Here's some ways to start: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5120399
Might seem a little woo-woo to you, but it works, and I'm quite the skeptic.

[snailshell]

First off, I can never seem to talk to him. I'm an incredibly shy individual, I can barely look him in the eye, let alone hold a conversation with him, it makes me feel so inadequate.

You deserve to be with someone who you enjoy being around, not someone who makes you feel inadequate. Don't make the mistake of thinking that because someone makes you feel "small," that they must be "big." You deserve someone who makes you feel safe and comfortable. Feeling inadequate in a relationship is a really big red flag. My advice is to tell him this - you can send him an email or write it in a note if you can't say it face to face. Tell him "when I am around you, I feel really shy and inadequate, but I want to feel like equals in a relationship," then try to think of some clear things you can ask him for that would help you feel safer and more comfortable. If he can't or won't do them, this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in.

Second, there was a point in time where we dated for, like, a week. Not long, I know. He was planning on kissing me some point in the day, and I knew, and me being extremely awkward, I tried to avoid it so he ended up kissing my friend instead, and we ended up breaking up. And he kept making this big deal about how he must have cheated, when I honestly didn't care. I'm one of the least attractive people you can meet, so I never really expected faithfulness in the first place, and I'm afraid something like that is going to happen again.

He cheated on you, and it was not your fault. Feeling like you're so "unattractive" that you don't deserve faithfulness in a relationship is a mental health and self-esteem issue that you deserve help with. Remember that feelings are not facts - feeling like you are unworthy of faithfulness does not make it true! Please talk to a teacher, counselor, or parent about getting help with these feelings of low self esteem and negative body image that are affecting your relationships. You can also find some self-help options here: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resourc ... Info_ID=47

And finally, he's a major pervert. It get's sickening. He always talks about wanting to "please me" and "pleasure me" and "fuck me" but I'm honestly really anxious about having to do that. I don't want to do it for another year at least, but he always insinuates it, and I feel like if I don't say yes, I'll lose him.

Feeling "really anxious" and "sickened" by your partner's behavior is NOT normal, and NOT okay! The best thing to do is to tell him clearly that you do not like when he talks like that, that you're uncomfortable with it, and that you don't want to return to that issue for another year. You can write it in an email or note if that is easier. If he responds with gentleness and respects those boundaries, awesome! If he responds with threats, or pressure, know that he is NOT safe for you to be dating! You do not deserve to be in a relationship where you feel anxious and sickened.

Know that it is okay for him to make the choice to not date someone who doesn't share his sexual desires - that is, actually, the point of dating! You date someone to figure out whether you two are compatible in a longer-term relationship. All you can do is be clear about what you can offer him and what you need from him. He may choose to end the relationship, and that is perfectly natural. Relationships end - it is better for you two to be honest about whether it's not going to work out, than to stay in a relationship that makes either of you unhappy.

And no, I'm not looking for "Break up with him" because as much as he has flaws, he can be so sweet to me, and make me feel special, and worth living. I have just as many defects as him, I can't expect him to be perfect.

Feeling like you need a partner to make you feel "worth living" might seem normal if you've felt this way for a while, but it is actually a really serious mental health crisis. If anything makes you feel like you are not worth living, you need to talk to someone and get help for that immediately. Here is a great article for teens needing to reach out for mental health help: https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/how ... .dbgMBlEbM

Nobody is perfect. The fact that you are not perfect does NOT mean you don't have the right to stand up for yourself in a relationship. You deserve love, care, gentleness, and respect no matter what you think of yourself. You do not have to settle for the first person who wants to date you. You do not need another person to make you special or worth living. You can't expect perfection from your partners, of course, but there is a HUGE space between "totally perfect" and "makes me feel inadequate, pressured, anxious, and sickened, and cheats on me." You can find someone in that space, and you deserve to!