How do I balance my sexuality with the rest of me? Can I?

[Blueswan]

Ok, this does get a little TMI. You have been warned.

So, I have always been a feminist long before I knew the word. I believe in making sure there is a level playing field for everyone, regardless of gender, race, sexuality, beliefs, economic bracket, etc. I'm smart and talented, and I won't put up with male bs.

Another important aspect of myself is my spirituality. I have a kundalini yoga practice and I am very interested in Sikhism. I won't go in depth about it, but there's a lot of emphasis on being your highest self and honoring the divine part of your being. Another is that women are elevated and should be treated as such by all.

Here's the problem: since puberty (which was a while ago now), I've had fantasies of being dominated, and they've only gotten stronger as I grew older. I used to be really freaked out/disgusted/ashamed of them, but I've become more understanding as I've researched and pondered the idea. However, I'm still unsure how to reconcile being a feminist/yogi/sub and even more confused as to how to make a place for all of that in my life.

Thank you and sorry for my longwindedness!

[Jacob]

Hey Blueswan!

I think it can be really hard to reconcile different ways of thinking when we're trying to make sense of the world! However, I think what can be helpful is that there are multiple ways to do all of those things.

You are already you, and you're already feminist and spiritual and a sub. You're already the evidence of how those things can fit together.

I think the discovery really is how and why they fit.

I know a lot of feminists who are into being submissive and for them that's a feminist thing because it means they are enjoying their own desires, which is something women have been denied historically. Also setting out the boundaries and roles in the scenario can be a way of exploring and making sense of power which is always handy when you're trying to smash the patriarchy.

Really good sex is also something I think of as a form of play. It's a way of playing with characters and sensations and ideas. So regardless of what the content is, and if you and any partners are consenting, it's all plenty healthy. It's much like how kids play and I have rarely heard any yoga instructor saying anything negative about that. If anything exploring the body, and the sensations of pain from stretching or pleasure from relaxing all seem in keeping with what you might be exploring in fantacising about being submissive.

[Blueswan]

Hello Jacob,

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. It's just that I'm at the stage of figuring out what my values are and how I want to live my life, and I felt a bit thrown off or 'bad' about these seemingly contradictory aspects. I have an investment in being honorable/not a hypocrite, and that made acceptance harder.

A small question: are there any resources I could explore on my own? I've tried researching and didn't see much that would work for someone like me. Even if I decide to leave the kink side of me in my head, I want to learn more and become more comfortable with it.

Thanks!

[Jacob]

This podcast by Jaclyn Friedman speaking about being a feminists with rape fantasies is awesome (I know you didn't use that wording, so I'm not applying it to you). She and her guest talk about lots of the feelings you're expressing here namely the feeling of contradiction and how they got through that... Essentially they both claim it as part of their feminism and I found it really powerful, so you may want to listen to that if you like podcasts:
Unscrewed - Feminists with Rape Fantasies

Our piece responding to 50 shades of grey, and telling the difference between kink and abuse could also be useful. We are a feminist resource so for us claiming your own pleasure is a big part of that... So it's at least one feminist take on kink and separating it from abuse, something society at large is pretty crap at doing, which might lead to some of your confusion:
50 Shades of BS - How to tell the Difference Between Kink and Abuse

[Blueswan]

Thanks so much, especially for the second link. Part of my uneasiness may be from that confusion (also don't want anything to do with 50 shades of crap because of the abusive undertones and utterly dreadful writing).

Also, aporpos of nothing, I love your quote!

[Redskies]

I don't think there's anything hypocritical or dishonorable about believing strongly in equality and also having fantasies about and/or exploring submission. In order to have a healthy submission/dominance dynamic, it's important to start from a place of equality, where each person's needs and rights are equal. Some kinds of d/s don't involve any power exchange - they can simply be the people doing the particular things that they've already agreed. With the kinds that do involve power exchange, a dominant person's needs and rights don't become more important than the submissive's: they will already have agreed what does and doesn't suit them both, and established clear boundaries. Even in situations where a dominant person is making the decisions and directing things (again, following a mutual agreement to do this!), it won't be about only what they want and what they think is right: they'll be acting on what they know and have been told already by the submissive person, to create an experience that fits the needs of both of them.

You might also find some helpful stuff in an advice column for someone else some time ago: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... a_feminist

I think there's almost universal dislike for 50 Shades around here! Just about anyone who's been involved in or knows anything about kink or d/s dynamics finds it to be an example of "kink" being used as a smokescreen for abuse.

[Blueswan]

Thank you Redskies for clarifying and for the link. Though I never read the books or saw the movie, I read the hilarious/depressing recaps by Jenny Trout and was shocked that anyone thought these were 'romantic' and 'sexy' (or 'well written' when it's full of the worst grammar I have ever seen), as opposed to abusive and damaging. It's just more proof that we millennials/Zs need to restart the feminist movement. I feel much better after talking to you and Jacob.

Here's a link if you're interested: http://jennytrout.com/?page_id=5720

[Mo]

Blueswan, I love Jenny Trout and those recaps are pretty fantastic; I appreciate that they were written from someone with an understanding of that dynamic and how to explore it healthily. Plus it's pretty great that she was able to relaunch her writing career by writing a non-abusive D/s series, out of spite, just to prove that it was possible.

[Blueswan]

Hello Mo! Just out of curiosity: are there any resources I should check out other than the stuff mentioned above?

[Jacob]

Also, aporpos of nothing, I love your quote!

Thanks, I love it! Here is the song it's from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3IfRX3NwbA