Scarleteen

im having trouble feeling things, for a lack of better word, when my boyfriend touches me "down there". i usually fake it so he doesn't feel bad, but whenever he fingeres me, does any stimulation with my clit, or performs oral sex, i feel nothing. sometimes a tingling sensation in my thighs, but when that happens it's a somewhat uncomfortable feeling on my vagina. it almost hurts. i usually get wet, but whenever we try sex, it hurts. we're both virgins and i do believe we are both ready for it, but i don't know how to do it or why it hurts, or why im having trouble feeling anything. please help!

Well, for starters, it really matters to be honest: honest about when things hurt, and honest about when things don't feel good. Otherwise, your boyfriend -- and you -- can't ever learn what DOES feel good. he's just going to keep doing the same things the same way if you give him the idea it's what feels good for you.

So, your first step is to be straight with him: you'll need to come clean and then, moving forward, be honest. When you're trying things, communicate with him: tell him what does and doesn't feel good.

Next: if something has been hurting, step away from it for now. Focus on figuring out what feels good and exploring things you haven't, which can include communicating more, but also holding up on any kind of genital sexual activity, for example, until you already feel very turned on first. If and when someone's not super-excited, it can be common for touch to feel like no big whoop.

How is all of this with sex with yourself; with masturbation? Do things feel the same as they have with your boyfriend, or do they feel different? If they feel different, in terms of better, what are you doing he isn't, or what do you think is otherwise different?

I'm going to toss a few links at you that might give you a start in some new things to consider, or new ways to think about all this:
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
• When Sex is Just a @#*&!ing Bummer

thank you! those helped quite a bit, i'm still figuring out what and what doesn't work, and i was honest with him and he was okay with trying different things to figure out what does and doesn't work