Happy, but confused?

[kindascared]

Hello!
I'm just going to dive right in to the subject. (It's super lengthy)

So, there is this guy in my history class. And I've been silently staring at the back of his head pretty much every day. Sometimes, he holds the door open for me when class is over and he's even waved at me in the parking lot.

Over the last few months, he's liked every post I put on Instagram and even added me by username on snapchat. (Which might not sound like a big deal, but to me it's like WHAT.)

Recently, I missed a class period. So I messaged him over snapchat asking if I could copy his notes sometime. He responded, saying of course. We had a week off of school, so he messaged me back after that and said he would bring the notes to class. The next day, he brought them. Photocopied and stapled together. I thanked him, and after class we walked in the parking lot together (which is the first time we've ever spoken to each other).

Then, over the last couple of days, he messaged me asking me about my subject of study and just general questions like that.
And one day we spent literally the entire day talking on snapchat. And yesterday he told me he read my blogs (I have a link to them in my Instagram bio). And this came as a huge surprise to me because no one ever reads them.

He's just showing me SO much attention and he's very nice. And I enjoy talking to him. But he also has a girlfriend? I wanted to post this to ask you guys if it sounds like he's interested in me or what. Because I'm a little confused!

[Heather]

Well, we can be interested in someone as a person without having a romantic or sexual interest in them. Think about how you pursue or develop a friendship with someone: doesn't it tend to go a lot like this?

Mind, we can't know what kind of interest he has here, but based on what you have posted here, what I am seeing is simply someone showing interest in you as a person. If you want to know what kind of interest that is, you can either wait and see or ask him.

[kindascared]

Thank you for replying!

I think it's just the fact that I've had a massive crush on him this entire time, I want him to be interested in me in that way.

[Sam W]

Hi kindascared,

It can definitely feel exciting when someone we've been crushing on starts to interact with us more. And sometimes that excitement can color how we see their interactions with us, making us interpret their actions in a way that isn't what they meant. I second what Heather said about either waiting to see what happens or just asking him outright how he feels. Too, it might help to think about how you'll manage your crush feelings if it turns out his interest is in being friends.

[kindascared]

Thank you for replying!

So, he messaged me yesterday morning and sent a long paragraph about how if he continued snapchatting me, he would eventually cheat on his girlfriend because he likes me a lot.

So that clears up a lot of confusion for me. But I'm just giving him his space.

[Redskies]

That sounds good to have the confusion cleared up. I very much agree with you giving him space, because that sounds like what he was asking for, and also because getting involved in a situation where he's romantically interested in you and has a girlfriend would be very likely to create a lot of confusion and hurt, ultimately, for all three of you.

How are you doing with this?

[kindascared]

I'm doing okay!
But even after he told me he wouldn't talk to me anymore, he messaged me yesterday.
So he's still speaking to me, but not as much.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you're doing okay

Do you feel like you're in a place where you'd be comfortable reminding him of the boundary if he started to cross it. In other words, if he went back to his previous levels of contact or became flirty with you, do you feel like you'd be okay reminding him of the limit he set?

[kindascared]

Thank you!

I feel like I could do that. He literally just messaged me again, as flirty as ever. And just as confusing too.

[Kaizen]

I would definitely ask him to clarify what his boundaries are, and tell him that you will support him in sticking to them.
His behavior so far is ringing some alarm bells for me that he might be trying to set up a situation where if he "ends up" doing something that he/his girlfriend would consider cheating, he can blame you because he "warned" you about what would happen if you two talked. I hesitated in saying that because it might not be so, but in any case making sure the boundaries are clear should help both of you.

I really hope that's not the case! And I'm really sorry this has happened with someone you do have a crush on; I'm sure that makes it really hard on you.

[Heather]

If it helps, I would suggest saying something like this, "You said you were concerned you might want to cheat on your girlfriend with me if you kept talking to me like this, so I feel confused. Just so you know, you won't be cheating on your girlfriend with me because that's not something I will be part of. But if you don't feel like you can handle yourself in that same way, or you don't want to just be friends with me since you are with someone else, I think you should stick to the limit you told me you needed."

Just for the record, I find it pretty yucky when someone suggests they might cheat on someone to the person they are saying they'd be inclined to do that with like the other person (you) is just going to go along, or doesn't have your own agency: isn't another whole human being who would have to also choose to do that, rather than someone he would just do things to, you know? So, that alone, and the way he's kind of behaving suggest to me that maybe your crush is maybe...well, kind of douchey and not so great. :/