Hello, some advice would be appreciated please

[princesspeach]

Hi! First of all thank you for making such a great site, I've been following the articles and pieces on the main page for a while now, and just only made an account here.

I'm not too sure what I'm asking exactly, and probably won't be able to articulate myself too well, but here it goes.

Last night, I was at a party with some friends. Afterward, three of us good friends went to stay at one of our houses, and another guy asked to stay (none of us really knew him well but he is a flatmate of another good friend of ours and seemed like a good guy, I'll call him Tony), so we all agreed. Later on when we're all back at my friend's house for the night, one friend is asleep in his room, one friend is asleep on the floor, and it is only myself and Tony that are awake and we're watching tv. Tony then put his head on my shoulder, which I found a bit strange since I didn't know him at all, but essentially thought nothing much of as we'd all been drinking and he seemed like a nice guy. He then tried to hold my hand, to which I snatched my hand away; this did set off alarm bells but I essentially also dismissed it as nothing much happened after I did this. After 15 minutes or so, I moved to another couch to try and sleep. Tony followed me and forced me into the position of me having my legs in his lap while he rubbed them. As much as I kept trying to move my legs away and have him return to the other couch (as well as me telling him to stop) he was stronger and kept forcing me back to that position. I then made up that I had to go to the bathroom, and upon returning I moved my things to the other couch to sleep. Tony once again followed, and much of the same happened. I ended up being able to kick him off the couch, and he then leaned in and kept trying to kiss me several times, each time he kept planting his lips on my face and neck and kept trying to go for my lips. I pushed him away every time but this continued. I then managed to get to the other couch, to which he tried once more. He then finally asked if I wanted to sleep with him, to which I replied with a firm no. He continued by suggesting we do other things (I won't say exactly as I feel like it'd be a bit TMI), to which I responded with another no. I then made up that I had my period, and although he tried to convince me to do so otherwise, and even asked me whether I'd have slept with him if I didn't have my period (another solid no), my friend luckily began to wake up, and he eventually went to walk home in the middle of the night.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this since it happened. And every time I do, I feel disgusted with myself, angry and upset. It makes me want to cry each time. At the time I didn't want to wake my friend who I knew who was tired, but in hindsight I definitely should've. I also feel like I could've been more firm when I said no (he told me about his insecurities at one point and maybe I didn't want to upset him further?)

I guess I'm basically trying to determine whether it IS something that I should even be getting upset about. I've learnt all about assault and rape through my education and consider myself quite knowledgeable in these areas, but I don't know whether the above counts, or WHAT the above is (if it is anything).

Thank you so much in advance for reading, and I'm sorry that my post is so long and graphic. Any advice at all would be appreciated

[princesspeach]

Also, I'm so sorry if I've posted this in the wrong area! I just noticed that there is a 'newbieville' area (stupid crappy phone xD), and I'm not too sure whether this post should have been posted there instead, please advise

[Sam W]

Hi Princesspeach,

You being upset about this makes total sense. What you're describing is someone who repeatedly ignored your boundaries and signals of "no," kissed and touch you without your consent (which some people would consider assault, but that's something you get to label for yourself), and then tried to pressure you into sex after you gave a clear and direct no. I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but it sounds like you narrowly avoided something bad being done to you, and had your boundaries violated a lot in the process.

If you can, try not to be too hard on yourself over what you could have don differently. It's easy, in hindsight, to come up with approaches to a situation that might have worked better. But in the moment you were making the choices that felt right and safe to you. Not to mention, from your description it sounds like you did a darn good job of asserting and defending your boundaries. That you had to in the first place is the thing that sucks.

Have you talked to any of your friends about what happened, or is that something you don't feel comfortable doing?

[princesspeach]

Hi, thank you so much for your response. All day I was scared to look at the thread, but I'm glad I did!

I've only told my friend who was asleep on the floor, which happened as soon as the guy left - apparently I looked pale and terrified. I've made her swear not to tell anyone else, especially as he is the flatmate of one of the guys in our friend group.

I just honestly not sure what to do from here really. While I'm very glad nothing really bad DID happen (and you're right, I think something may have happened if my friend hadn't woken up), I just keep thinking about what happened, and how powerless and scared I felt, and feel upset all over again. Do you think this will fade? I've been trying not to think about it and keep myself busy, but it keeps creeping back :/

[Heather]

This kind of experience is traumatic, so it's typical for people to feel traumatized afterward.

How you process those feelings has a lot to do with who you are uniquely and what you find generally helps you process trauma and feelings like fears for your safety. Have you gone through any kind of trauma before? If so, what have you found is helpful to you in working through it and coping with your feelings afterwards?

[princesspeach]

The only thing I can think of that I've been through that comes close to being traumatic are a couple of car accidents - one I was quite young for, and the other didn't effect me too much (we were all fine but the car was wrecked) and afterwards my friends and I talked about it and laughed about it. I can't really think of anything else though, so I guess I've never really had to process a traumatic experience.

Any advice as to how I can go about dealing with these feelings/coping would be great. I'm definitely not coping but I don't know what to do really :/

[Sam W]

There are a few different places you could start with this. One possibility is to contact a sexual assault survivor's hotline and talk to someone. I suggest that move because the people working the line will be trained to help people work through this kind of situation (when I used to work on a hotline of that kind, I know we got calls from people who'd gone through situations much like the one you dealt with).

Another place to start would be with some self-care to help you cope with some of the things you're feeling (or at least distract you from them for a bit). This is a great starting place for that: Self-Care a La Carte

[princesspeach]

Re the self care, it's a great article! I feel like I'm particularly good at a couple of things on the list (watching videos online, sleeping in ) I've definitely bookmarked though, a lot of those sound like a good way to even destress after work

I don't know if I'm ready to even say the words out loud yet. Would the people on the other end listen to me, even if it's not assault? May I ask what you would typically tell your callers if they called with a situation like this?

Also, thank you for the suggestions

[Redskies]

Hi, princesspeach. Sam isn't here today; I haven't worked on a hotline myself, but I've done plenty of this kind of work here.

Personally, I would call what this guy did to you an assault, and most people who work, volunteer in or have interest in anti-sexual-violence work would too. If someone keeps touching us or trying to kiss us when we keep trying to pull away, push them away, say no, or simply be non-responsive, it's clear to anyone that they don't have our consent to do those things. That makes it an assault.

I don't want to push you towards calling it any particular thing or thinking of it any particular way if you aren't ready to, btw. Wherever your brain and feelings are at is okay! But I do want you to know that what he did was sexual assault. It wasn't a small thing, it's legitimately frightening, and it's very understandable that you're struggling to process it. When someone violates our bodily integrity - which is what touching us without consent is - it does tend to mess with our head some, because someone was acting as if they have more rights to our body than we do.

I don't think that there was anything more or different that you could have done that would have made this better. You were very, very clear that you weren't consenting. if someone ignores that, they're literally ignoring it, choosing to ignore it. They already know they're doing a wrong thing, so the problem isn't with your communication. The problem is with them. You said "no" enough, much more than is enough. You were doing fine.

With the car accident, it sounds like some of the way you all processed it was having it as a shared experience that you could all talk about. So, perhaps being able to talk with people who understand is one way that helps you work through a traumatic experience? We're very happy to carry on talking with you here.

If you call a hotline, they should absolutely listen to you, at your pace, hear you, and support you in whatever way you need. Like with everything in the world, there isn't a guarantee that every single person is great; but with something like rape crisis hotlines (which is the general name for services to support people who've been sexually assaulted), the vast majority of people are excellent and wonderful. Nearly all these kinds of hotlines are staffed by grassroots volunteers who do it because they care very much about anyone who's experienced any kind of assault, want to do what they can to support them, and are well-informed about assault and abuse. I would expect a hotline worker to respond very similarly to how we have here.

[princesspeach]

Hi redskies, thank you for your response, I would like to pick it apart a bit later but I just want to get how I'm feeling out atm.

Work has been caving in and has been becoming stressful and unfair for me very recently (over the last 2 days) - this is something I could probably handle pretty easily if I didn't have this also weighing on my mind. I feel so trapped and suffocated, like I don't have any control over anything anymore. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I mean, everyday I deal with clients who have been in a lot worse situations than I could ever imagine (a lot of them have been raped, abused and been the victims of domestic violence). So why am I feeling like this? Why can't it stop? I can't stop crying and I just can't understand

[Sam W]

Hi Princesspeach,

I'm sorry to hear that the aftermath of this is seeping into other parts of your life. That sounds incredibly frustrating. The feelings you're describing are fairly common among people who've experiences an assault (or even an attempted assault). When someone repeatedly pushes past and violates your boundaries it can make you feel like you have very limited control over what happens to you and that can ripple out into your feelings about life in general.

I'd caution you to not compare your situation with the situation of your clients. Trauma is a weird beast, and you often can't control how your brain and body react to it initially. And if it helps, when I worked at the rape crisis center I ran a support group. People came to that group with a wide range of experiences, some of which an outsider might deem less "severe" than others. But the group members never looked down on or pushed out people, no matter what kind of experience they had. Because so often they were going through similar responses to trauma, and helping them with that was what was important to the group (and to the staff). Do you see what I'm getting at with that?

[princesspeach]

Hi everyone, thank you all for your responses. After I posted what I last posted (and read Sam's reply) I felt a lot better - I think I realised that work and what happened that night are two separate incidents, and focussed my energies on try to sort out my work situation. The situation has calmed down a bit now (I have a big meeting tomorrow so fingers crossed!) and I've been focussing on not letting this effect my work (the last thing my clients need is someone upset when they themselves are usually upset), so this work thing coupled with a bit of self care, I consider that a wee win for me

My one friend who knows also mentioned calling rape crisis, but coupled with the fear of not being taken seriously, I honestly don't think I can actually formulate what happened into actual words to come out of my mouth just yet :/ I'm really scared that I will have taken one step forward (with the work situation) and ten steps backwards if I try and talk about it and feel silly when I can't :'(

I'm happy I've managed to find a way to not let this effect me too much while I'm at work, but it does creep in while I'm not there and I'm so darned sick of it :/ I'm sorry I sound really repetitive, you all have been so wonderful!

[Ashleah]

Hi Princesspeach,

Good luck with your meeting tomorrow!!! You sound extremely empathetic and supportive when it comes to your clients. I just want to remind you that you are deserving of that type of care as well! I know when we are working through difficult situations it can be hard not compare it to the pain of others, but your feelings are just as valid. I don't think we could say this enough, but what happened to you was wrong! It's not your fault. It was traumatic. Processing all of those things can be hard and confusing. It's understandable that you have been having these feelings. It's okay if you aren't ready to call a hotline, or decide not to at all, you have to move at a pace and take the steps that feel right for you.

It does sounds like you have been doing a good job taking care of yourself the best you can after an extremely scary situation. You don't have to apologize for sharing your thoughts, that's what we are here for Please feel free to post whenever you need to and consider it a form of self care if it helps you process your feelings.

I'm glad you found the self care article helpful. Is there anything on the list you might be able to do quickly at work when these thoughts creep up? Maybe a song you can listen to that puts you in a good mood? A quick walk around the office or outside if you can get away? An office friend to chat with?

[princesspeach]

Hi there ashleah, thank you for the response! Thankfully, the meeting went great and I had a (thankfully) normal, boring day at work

I've never actually thought about it that way, like I've never actually thought about ME being the one to receive the care, as it's so often the other way round in my field of work - my clients are already going through hell, as well as having to go through the legal system which in itself can also feel like hell. I have been thinking about maybe giving the rape crisis hotline a shot, but I think apart from the difficulties I mentioned before, I honestly don't know what I'd tell them happened - I used to have quite an idea of what assault was, but know I don't really know. I feel all muddled and really don't know what label to give this experience :/

Hmm, my work is quite good in the fact in that we can split up our breaks how we like, and I do get up from the desk a fair bit. I also listen to music while I work so I think I might formulate a "feel good" playlist. I definitely do not have an office friend to discuss this with, but that's okay. Thank you for those suggestions

I think my main problem now is that I let this seep in when I'm NOT at work. When my work problems were happening, I had those to fret about (and incorporate some self care to forget about), but if I'm alone, I don't have much to focus on, or even when I'm with others but there's a lull in the conversation it comes back and I feel upse5 again :/ is this because I'm not used to handling this kind of thing, that it keeps on coming back?

[Sam W]

Hi princesspeach,

Hooray for the meeting going well!

One thought with calling the rape crisis hotline: you don't have to tell them about what happened on the first call. You can focus more on what you're feeling and ask for help around that to start out with. When I worked on a hotline like that, there were plenty of people who called where I never found out what they'd gone through, but was happy to walk through grounding or self-care steps with them or simply be a place where they could talk about their emotions and have someone listen.

If you've not had to deal with this level of trauma before, that can definitely leave you feeling unsure of what to do when it pops up. There's two directions you could try going when those feelings come up at home or when you're alone. One is to do some self-care (which in this instance could include things like doing laundry) to help distract you. Another would be, if you're somewhere safe and comfortable, to sit with whatever emotion you're feeling and see if you can ride it out. Some people add a journaling component to that to help give it structure, but that's by no means required. Do either of those sound more doable for you right now?

[princesspeach]

Hi Sam,

Thank you for that response. Today was a bad day :/ one minute I was fine and after speaking with a client (who is a convicted sexual offender), it hit me like a truck - I felt so upset and mad again, and had a bad rest of the day. I even broke down in front of a work friend but couldn't say what was wrong. I've since come home and relaxed a bit/calmed down, but still. Is there something wrong with me?

I'm also a bit nervous because this weekend I'm going to a party at my friend's flat, and it's the same flat where all of this went down originally. I know the guy definitely won't be there, but the thought makes me nervous. Is there a way to kind of combat this?

Thank you for those suggestions Sam. I've found I actually am pretty good at riding these emotions out at home; I have access to music, movies, food and of course this website. I'm sorry if I keep sounding backward/contradicting with each post, last time I did mention that I was struggling at home. I'm happy that I'm able to self care and relax at home a bit at home though.

I'm glad to hear that about the hotline, and it's good to know that it is there if I need it/even if I'm not ready to talk. I think I'll have to think about it some more.

[Sam W]

I'm sorry to hear today was a rough one. As much as we may wish they weren't, those days do happen for most people who go through trauma. So there is nothing wrong with you for having one of those days.

With going to the party, my suggestion would be to have a plan for some self-care afterwards in case you find being there is overwhelming. As far as nerves go, something that can help is to come up with plans for what to do if you start feeling triggered. That could look like choosing a space in the flat where you can go and sit until your system settles, or making sure you have a means of getting to and from the party that lets you come and go as you need. That same planning can also help calm the part of your brain that's nervous he still might show up. If you have a plan for what to do, even if most of your brain knows you probably won't have to do it, it makes you feel more in control of the situation.

[princesspeach]

Thanks for your reply Sam. In regards to my rough day, I can sense some turbulent times ahead at work and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. I have a few self care techniques in mind for when I feel overwhelmed/occasionally triggered at work, but is there some sort of way to just kind of cope with it all? I already know there will be some rough times ahead workwise, and I feel so helpless in a) stopping this from happening and b) stopping myself from having the bad days. (And of course my silly brain connects my lack of control over what's happening in my work life to my lack of control of what happened back then. It must sound completely silly :/)

On a lighter note, thank you so much for your tips on how to handle the party. I did exactly as you said; I planned out my "safe" room and how to leave if needed. The friend I went with is actually the friend I've told about this (the one asleep on the floor that night), so I actually told her everything and she was so supportive! We even came up with a codeword in case I felt overwhelmed and needed to leave. I ended up having a great time and while I was nervous at the beginning, I ended up not really feeling anxious at all.

[Heather]

Can you give us a picture on what kind of rough times at work you're anticipating? For instance, is this about seeing sex offenders in your work (and just FYI, oh my goodness, I can't imagine having to go through that in your situation, so if you don't know already you're strong, that is certainly fine evidence of that)?

Also, what's it like at your workplace in terms of it generally being a place of support or not? Is your boss and/or your co-workers generally supportive? Are policies there compassionate about employees in crisis? Do you work somewhere where you can disclose you have recently been through trauma (you don't have to say what kind if you're not ready or just don't want to at work) and expect that your workplace will make some concessions for you?

[princesspeach]

The rough times ahead are actually more to do with workmates/work structure than the actual work itself. For some reason, apart from that one incident, I haven't had much of a problem being in contact with our clients who are sex offenders (I didn't think that made me strong but thank you!)
The reason I can see that rough times are coming, is that one of my team members has already gone behind my back to the management about work issues - these issues are not about me, but they do effect/include me but I was basically excluded from this and my team member made it out like I would be continually excluded. My silly brain sees that I'm losing control of this situation and kind of connects it to the incident? I know it probably doesn't make sense and I must sound a bit silly.

I honestly don't know what my workplace is like in that regard. I just went through an incident at work this past Friday (a client had threatened to fatally self-harm, but I won't really go into that as I saw on another post that this is a boundary for you Heather), but basically the point is the person I report to and a team member who helped me follow the appropriate steps made sure I was doing okay, so they might do? I honestly don't know where to find out.

[Sam W]

Actually, what your brain is doing isn't all that silly (and even if it was, it's silliness is less important that its' effect on you). By trying to make a connection to other times you felt like you didn't have control to see what to do in this situation, it keeps pinging the part of your brain that remembers the incident. It's something plenty of survivors describe happening. Are there things you can think of that would help you feel more in control of what's going on at work?

Do you have someone at work who you trust or feel comfortable with? If you don't have a clear sense of how your workplace would handle an employee in crisis (though given the type of work you describe, I'd hope they were prepared to deal with it), talking to another employee and asking for their perspective or experience could give you more information on how the company might handle that.

[princesspeach]

Hi Sam, a lot has happened today.

I'm really glad to hear that reacting that way doesn't sound so silly. I can't think of anything that can make me feel more in control, apart from being kept in loop about things and having my opinion considered. Apart from that, I guess just being able to ride out negative emotions when I need to?

Tomorrow I'm having a chat with my team leader type person (she isn't exactly my team leader but is stepping in for a while) tomorrow, and I think I'll bring it up with her then. She noticed me acting strangely today and I think I'll talk to her about it. I'm quite nervous though, I'm sure she'll be amazing but I can't help feeling a bit afraid that I'll be judged.

Today my friend told me about something that happened to her just today. She told her boyfriend that she wouldn't have sex without a condom, and he proceeded regardless for some seconds. I know that our experiences aren't the same but I've reached out to her, and her to me. In a strange way, I feel like I'm not alone in this anymore.

[Sam W]

Yep, sometimes riding out those emotions is the best option available, especially if you find time to take care of yourself after the wave of feeling passes.

It can definitely feel intimidating to talk with someone about this, so nerves are normal (although it sounds like you think she'll be supportive, which is great). Have you written down some notes to help you structure your thoughts when you explain things to her? If not, that's something that can help you feel calmer and more prepared during that conversation.

While I'm not glad your friend experienced that, it's good to hear that she felt comfortable telling you about it and that the two of you are supporting each other. Like you mentioned, that kind of connection can go a long way towards making you feel less alone in what happened.

[princesspeach]

I'll say. I find I'm quite good at riding out the emotions if I have the space to do so, and have learned quite quickly what kind of self care does and doesn't work for me!

I told her today. Unfortunately I didn't have time to view this post, and it all came out in verbal diarrhea followed by me bawling my eyes out but I did it and I'm so glad I did. She was amazing, and actually said a lot of what you all said in the beginning. She said she isn't 100% sure of what the options are of speaking to someone are (as you all said before, there is a process in place but we aren't sure of the specifics), but that she can look further into this if I want her to. She also said that if I feel I need it, I can step away from the office and take walks or anything if I need it. I feel like I wouldn't have had the confidence to do something like telling her if I hadn't posted here first, thank you guys so much

I'm still not too sure what to do from here, it was hard enough telling my team leader about this. I know speaking about this here has helped me immensely, but would it be as easy to speak about it to a stranger in real life? I've never called a hotline nor seen a therapist/counselor before, so I honestly don't know which of the two I would prefer (if any at all?)

I'm not glad it happened either, but I think it is more a silver lining that we can reach out to each other and support each other. She said that me reaching out to her has made her feel a lot better, which I'm glad for. I'm still a bit worried about her, as it's so raw still and I don't think the weight of what's happened has hit her yet.

[Heather]

You could try both?

Obviously, calling the hotline would be easiest and cheapest to try first, and it really is always okay to just end the call at any time it doesn't feel right for you. Heck, it's even okay to just hang up.

Per therapists, what you can do is go ahead and make an initial appointment with someone, and you're just going to feel them out in general on that first visit, anyway. You don't have to disclose much of anything: it's really more like you interviewing them for a job than the other way round.

Then, if and when you find someone you generally feel good about, you get to first build trust with them before you disclose anything that feels scary to you, so that if and when you get there, they won't be a stranger anymore, and you'll also know that they likely are someone you can trust with this. Make sense?