Scarleteen

My mother is mainly using the fact it could put me at higher risk for STDs, and the fact it's "cheating" according to her. I'm sure neither of these are true. But, she won't listen to me.

Hi Kitty,

I'm sorry to hear she's not listening to you, that sounds frustrating. I guess a place to start is: if you can't get her to accept this wholesale, what is the next best outcome? Is that her not understanding it but not bothering you about it? Is it your polyness no longer being a conversation topic? Or is there another outcome that feels like it would work for both of you?

I'm not sure about that, although I think she's getting the idea that me being poly means I'm going to go have sex with everyone I have a relationship with.

Hi Kitty,

Ideally, your mom would listen and respect your choices! Unfortunately sometimes parents, possibly out of concern for safety and wellbeing, think they know what is best and try to will that onto you.

Is this something you have to talk with her about? If she brought up the topic would you feel comfortable telling her you don't want to talk about? Or is she interfering with your relationships somehow because of her opinions?

I haven't been in any relationships for awhile due to big issues at home, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't cause a problem. And with almost everything I don't feel comfortable talking about her with, she has no respect for those boundaries.

So, perhaps the best answer, for now, is to keep your relationships as private as you can from her.

Well, due to absurd restrictions placed on me over a few messages talking about sexual interests with an ex of mine, as well as some secretive plans due to what they were. (Both my mother and my grandmother don't support me identifying as a female.) And just even remotely seeing (not even planning) to come over to someone's house. But, I'm pretty sure when I was made to show my texts recently (on both phones - I have a cell phone at each house... or had.), what really they wanted to do is to shut me up and keep me from getting help with the abusive behavior both of them have done.

So -- and this seems obvious, but may as well check -- sounds like there are waaaaaaay more issues at home than just what you opened with, and this nonacceptance is part of a larger pattern. Do I have that right?

If so, do you want to talk about that? And if you do, want to give me an idea of the kind of direction you want, like do you just more want a place to get it all out where it's relatively safe, do you want practical help, including with getting the therapy help it sounds like you may be being denied, or...? Just let us know, and we can take your lead from there.

Yes, and some of these issues are a lot to cover in one day, mainly due to memory issues with some of it. Others, well... let's just say I get more than just a bit choked up. The nonacceptance is part of some of the philosophies that the abusive behavior stemmed from. And I have been getting therapy, but it won't help them change their behavior unless they choose to change.

There's no need to cover anything more here in a day than you feel comfortable with: that's one of the benefits of a space like this, conversations can go on for as long as you like, at whatever pace you want. So, as Heather said, just let us know what where you want this discussion to go, what we might be able to help you with, and we can go from there.

(It's great that you're getting therapy, by the way, but unfortunately you're right that it doesn't change other people's behaviour towards you. One thing we could talk about though, if you'd like, is how to manage until you can get out of this environment and into a safer space.)

I've been managing okay. Although, once I figured out the behavior was abusive I had a short period of time where I felt awful for knowing and the fact I shouldn't feel like this towards my family. However, I don't regret that realization. I'm having even more issues now because I've been almost completely isolated from friends (especially close friends), and it's kind of killing me not having their support right now and just not being able to talk to them.

Okay, so maybe a place to start on our end is brainstorming with you ways that you could get support, either from friends (are they aware, or were they aware before your family cut you off, of what your family is doing?) or supportive communities? We'll offer all the support we can, but generally the more places you can get it from the easier getting through this nastiness will be. To start, can you give us a sense of some channels that your family has less control over (it looks like you still have the ability to access the internet, which can help a ton)? For instance, are you in school for part of the day and away from them?

I also want to give you this resource. Not everything in here will be relevant or doable in your situation, but it might give you some tools to help get you through this: The Scarleteen Safety Plan

I'm only able to use the mac the school gave every student in secret, I don't have access to anything else and my grandmother caught on to me using it to talk to people before. So, essentially limited access to the internet. My friends are aware, and were aware beforehand. Other than that, online games on Xbox 360, the school day, and phone calls when my grandmother isn't home.

If your grandmother or mother were to catch you talking to friends on the internet or the phone, what would that result in for you (I'm asking to make sure I don't advise you to do anything that would put you in the path of their wrath)? Also, are you taking what steps you can to protect your internet usage, like wiping your browser history so they can't retrace your steps?

Who do you have at school as a resource? That could include friends as well as teachers or counselors you trust. Too, how much ability do you have to get out of the house when you want to, like to go to the library or a community center? Because you could use going to unmarked communal spaces as a way to meet with friends who can support you.

Getting caught, well, I'm unsure what exactly would happen. But, it probably won't be good. Counselors, friends and a few teachers at school I confide in. She doesn't have the password to the mac and I clear my history once a week. I'm not really able to get out of the house, at least to go anywhere without them, freely.

When they took away your phones, was that the extent of the punishment, or was it accompanied by other things?

I'm glad to hear there are people at school you can confide in. Are there teachers or counselors who are aware of what's going on at home? If your family won't let you out of the house without them (which is, sadly, common with abusive folks), do you have any ability to, say, stay after school to work on things at the library?

So that we're not steering the conversation away from other things you'd find helpful, looking at the survival guide I linked to are there other actions in there that you'd like our help with?

It was accompanied by some kink shaming and also yelling at me over talking about plans and stuff. And I glanced over the guide linked, I'll have to get back to you on that. I don't have the ability to stay after school. And the counselor I talk to and one of the teachers are aware.

Okay, that sounds like a plan.

With the counselor, have they been able to offer you any advice or resources around how your family is acting?

Not really, other than hang in there. I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place.

That sounds like an incredibly frustrating place to be. It sounds like, then, that something we could focus on here is ways to get through until you can get out, and maybe some ways to make getting out easier when the time comes. How does that sound?

I have not much of a plan, so yeah, definitely working on plans on getting out.

Let's start with what you'd want to do after high school. You bio says you're 17, so do I have it right that you're a senior?

For some examples, some people who need to get out of a toxic house focus on getting into and planning for college. Others start taking steps to help them get a job after high school, while others look for ways to put money away so that they can move out ASAP.

I'm 16, if it says 17, it's incorrect. And no, I'm only in tenth. (Started late, almost have grad req.) And I'm planning on becoming an artist, so yeah. And I have been looking into college, as well as career tech classes. I don't really have a way to put money away.

Glad we clarified that then. If you're open to working part-time yourself, what do you think the odds are of that being allowed? Has your family expressed feelings one way or the other about you working?

I wonder too, can you tell me a little about the rest of your family? Are there people in it who aren't toxic and who you trust?

There really isn't anyone I can trust in my family, either because their pawns to the abusive people or they are the abusers themselves. I'm not sure about the part-time work.