Advice on a break up.

[andrej]

Hello!

Me and my girlfriend are both 21 years old and we've been in a relationship for 3 and a half years, though we've been the closest friends for years before we even started dating.At a first glance, we're really similar, but at a deeper level we couldn't be more different when it comes to principles, views on relationships and core beliefs with her being a little more traditional and conservative. Because of that, I've been struggling a lot with the traditional idea of a relationship and a whole package that comes with it. She's gorgeous, funny and wonderful and I understand how strange it must be to think someone would consider breaking up with someone like her but I don't think I'm happy in this relationship. It would mean a world to me if I could get a piece of advice about evaluating this relationship and getting closer to decision about staying or leaving, also if You could advice me on some strategies on breaking up and still remaining good friends. She's stated before that she wouldn't be able to be friends after a breakup, but I think if we stay mature we should be able to get past it. Like I said, we've been very close friends before.

Thank You!

[Heather]

Hey there.

It's pretty tough to make these choices when someone who has been in your life for a long time has told you that if you aren't in one kind of relationship with them, they don't want to be in any kind at all with you.

And by all means, how we feel in relationships, and if we feel they are working for us, is really what's meaningful in making decisions about them, not how the person we're in them with is or looks.

Can you fill me in some on what kind of help you want first evaluating what choice to make here? Like, what do you feel like you need to make this decisions? Too, is this something you feel you have to decide alone, or something you could instead talk about together?

[andrej]

Thank You so much for such a quick reply!

I'm not sure how to decide whether I should stay in this relationship or not. The thing is, I'm afraid I'll regret it if I decide to leave this relationship. Also, I'm not sure if the relationship problems I'm having now are the problems of this relationship or problems of my personality in general, so I'm not sure if the pattern will repeat itself in the next relationship. So I would like to get help on how to decide if it's time for a break up or not, and how to break up with her while still remain being friends. I don't know how to resolve this with her without her getting upset and immature.

[Karyn]

We actually have a piece on this very topic that might be helpful in your decision-making: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Ultimately, if you do decide to end the relationship, even if you want to stay friends that isn't something you have total control over. The other person gets a say as well, and if she's stated that she wouldn't be able to remain friends if the two of you break up, then that's something to take into account when thinking about this.

Per the personality stuff you mentioned, could you elaborate a bit on that? What kinds of problems are you worried about being an issue in future relationships? (In a general sense, it might help to think about the fact that it isn't just our own personalities that impact how our relationships go; it's how our personalities mesh with the other person's, and if we're aware of patterns that have been problems in the past, then we can look out for those problems and work to prevent them.)

[andrej]

Thank You for the article!

The problems I was referring to is my problem with affection and intimacy which make me difficult to fit into a traditional set of expectations and behaviors in a relationship. For example, it's hard for me to baby talk or track our anniversaries because those things honestly don't matter much to me. At the same time, I don't want to make her cynical about love and relationships. The things people and media expect of a relationship are a real emotional burden for me and that's why I feel our relationship was more effortless and easygoing while we were friends.
Now, I'm not sure if that's the problem I'm having specifically in this relationship or a pattern that will continue to show in my future relationships if I don't resolve it now.

[Karyn]

Okay. So what I'm hearing from your post is not that there's something 'wrong' with you at all, just that the way you express affection and intimacy doesn't line up with how those things are portrayed in the media and the way your girlfriend might express affection. But: things like baby talk and making a big deal out of anniversaries are absolutely NOT the only ways to show you care about someone, far from it. Those things might be shown as 'normal' in the media, and plenty of people do enjoy those things, but there are also lots of people for whom anniversaries, for example, are no big thing, or people who don't like having pet names for their partner. The ways that folks show that they care for romantic partners varies a whole heck of a lot, and so I wouldn't say that it's your preferences that are the problem. Rather, it sounds like the real issue is that what your girlfriend is expecting/wanting from your relationship and what you want and expect are very different and possibly incompatible.

So, moving forward, with future partners or potential partners, what you'll want to do is just be clear from the front that (as an example) things like anniversaries aren't something you make a big deal out of, and if the other person wants a relationship in which anniversaries ARE a big deal? Then you agree that you're not a good fit for each other, and move on. There are all sorts of different ways to do relationships, there's no right or wrong way to show affection or create intimacy: the trick is to figure out your own preferences and needs and communicate those to others, so you can find the people whose preferences and needs mesh with yours. Does that make sense?

[Karyn]

There are a couple of pieces on the main site, by the way, that if you haven't already seen them, might be useful to you in thinking about all of this:
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

[andrej]

That absolutely makes a lot of sense. I sure have a lot of thinking to do now. Thank You so, so much, You've been extremely helpful and informative and I feel so much better now.
Lots of love!

[Karyn]

Glad to help.