Isn't sex meant to feel good?

[dooormat]

Sex and kissing and stuff doesn't feel good to me. When I was very young (11-13) my orgasms were amazing and I could get aroused by things, especially kissing. But I recently lost my virginity at the age of 21 (I haven't done anything sexual since I was 11) and even though the guy was extremely attractive, I could only get a little aroused.

Isn't penetration or clitoral stimulation or skin-on-skin contact meant to feel really good?

[Heather]

I hear you saying that the sexual activities you shared with one partner did not feel good to you, and you did not feel sexually excited with this one person. Do I have that right, or are you expressing a larger pattern - with more than one partner, and over a good deal of time?

[dooormat]

I hear you saying that the sexual activities you shared with one partner did not feel good to you, and you did not feel sexually excited with this one person. Do I have that right, or are you expressing a larger pattern - with more than one partner, and over a good deal of time?

This one partner only. But he is extremely conventionally attractive. His body is very sexually appealing to me. I get a little aroused with foreplay but not like I did when I was 11. At that age I got really wet and sexually excited just from being kissed (And the guy I kissed when I was 11 was attractive but not as attractive as this guy I've done things with recently).

But I don't feel sexual pleasure much anymore. It's pretty worrying.

[Heather]

How physically attractive we consider someone does not mean that we will have chemistry with them, feel sexually aroused by them or have sex we enjoy with them. In fact, the fact that someone meets a given beauty standard and we like how their body looks gives us no real information at all besides exactly that, nor does that determine at all what sex with them will be like.

Sex is one of those things -- like, say, meals -- where through life, we're most likely to have a wide range of experiences: some that are awesome, some that are sucky, and plenty -- usually most -- somewhere in the middle. So, having issues with arousal, enjoyment or pleasure once, or with one person only does not suggest a problem. Rather, what it usually is is just a reflection of how varied sexual experiences can tend to be.

I'd also add in that just as with anything else, sometimes when we load sex up with giant expectations, we can be MORE likely to not have them met. So, if you thought, "Oh, this is going to be GREAT because he's so hot," it may also have played a part in things winding up to be substandard.

Lastly, it sounds like this may have even been your first sexual partner, and like sex with someone else is brand new to you: do I have that right? If so, know that sex with partners is most typically something that, like anything else, can tend to take practice to feel awesome, or even just plain good. It's more unusual for people to have great sex with a brand-new partner than with one they have developed sexual communication with, and learned about each other sexually, over time.

[dooormat]

Hmm, it's a shame that even masturbation doesn't lead to very good orgasms for me either, even though I've explored every inch of my body in all sorts of different ways. I can orgasm, but really an orgasm for me these days is just a pulsating vagina, very mild pleasure and a relaxed feeling. Not like the old days when I first started feeling sexual pleasure. It was amazing back then.

Yes this was my first sexual partner.

[Heather]

Well, if you want to troubleshoot some here, we're glad to help with that.

Of course, how something feels when it is brand-spanking new is often not how it always will. And too, throughout life, what gets us excited will often shift and change, so sometimes this is a matter of learning what gets us excited NOW, as opposed to expecting what did before to have the same results.

It sounds to me like the central issue here may be that you are jut not feeling very turned on to begin with, especially since that tends to be what makes our bodies feel more sexually sensitive, what is most often associated with orgasm, and what plays a huge part in how orgasm feels per it feeling super-mild or ultra-wowie.

So, if you want to dig in a bit here, can I ask how excited you feel BEFORE any kind of genital touch even happens? Like, before you -- or a partner -- are touching your body at all, including parts that are not just your genitals -- are you starting out feeling pretty excited? If not, do you feel like you've put some time into finding out what makes you feel that way now, not when you were 11?

[dooormat]

I wasn't very excited before any kind of genital touch. Kissing and biting and so on didn't really do much for me, it was enjoyable but not that enjoyable. And before any touching at all, I didn't start feeling pretty excited either.

I think I have. I watch all kinds of porn to try to get myself wet for masturbation, it gets harder and harder to find something that turns me on a little bit.

[Heather]

Well, there's the biggest answer to why things later didn't feel good: if we don't start off pretty excited -- and stay excited -- it's just generally not going to feel good, or even like much is happening at all.

Perhaps, if what you have been doing is marinating in lots of porn, the next thing to try might to be to get away from that? In other words, it sounds like that avenue isn't working for you now, so like it's time to experiment with some new things, like your own imagination, books, other kinds of sensory/sensual experiences that aren't erotica/porn (something designed to turn you on, but which comes with its own script, if you get me, rather than your own, but also something which is, be it books, photos or films, only visual).

This person you were just with: are you in an ongoing relationship with this person you want to try more to see if it can be a good sexual one for you both? If so, happy to give you some links or other direction there than may help you two develop something sexual among you that you do enjoy and are excited by.

[dooormat]

Books?

Nah I wasn't in a relationship with him and I'm not in one now.

[Heather]

Sure, books: you know, before we even had the photographic image, for anything, we had books, including for sexual or sensual material, and we still have them now. There are many, many erotica anthologies out there, and too, other books not meant for that purpose, but which people experience as arousing for them, like, for example, particularly sensual poetry.

And okay: if you're not going to keep dating this guy, maybe then a good plan for now is to focus on your own sexual self and re-introducing yourself to that person, as well as exploring to see who that person is NOW? If and when someone else comes around you might be interested in being sexual with, figuring that if you do not feel aroused and excited with them, they're either not likely a good fit for a sexual partner, and/or you're just not in the space at this time in your life to be really feeling any of this yet with someone else.

[dooormat]

Reading sex scenes in books is mildly stimulating. Sometimes I read erotica and I'll find myself wet but I don't have sexual pleasure.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to re-introduce myself to my sexual self, because I'm not sure what there is left to explore. I've imagined all sorts of things, some very extreme. If I can't get very aroused or excited by super hot guys I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do.

Maybe I damaged my clit? I used to masturbate very roughly when I was younger and my orgasms became weaker and weaker till they got to the state they're at now.

[Heather]

Unless you experienced a serious genital injury, that is highly unlikely. But too, arousal does not start in our genitals, and neither does desire. We often feel effects from those feelings genitally, but they all happen in and come from our brain, not the other way round. So, even if you did have nerve damage with your clitoris, that would not stop you from feeling sexually excited nor mean you would have the ability to become any less aroused than someone else.

It may be that what's left to explore here is NOT what is "extreme" or external -- about hot guys, or anyone else besides you for that matter. Rather, perhaps, as I was trying to suggest, you may need to come at this very differently, like by exploring or expanding all the kinds of things you can find pleasure in, not just sexual pleasure. Again, that's multi-sensory experiences where you may or can experience pleasure: anything from hikes at sunset to a hot shower to cooking a meal to putting your hands in the dirst -- if it involves one or more of your senses, it's something you (or anyone) can potentially find pleasure in.

Being able to first identify those things makes it a lot easier to identify what you find sexually exciting and pleasurable, and, as a nice extra bonus, some of those things may turn out to be things you find amp up how you feel when they are made part of sex (including masturbation), or are something you do before or after.

Are you already pretty familiar with our content on the site about sexuality, desire and pleasure? If not, I'd be happy to organize some links here for you so you can get some more information to help round this all out and show you some more places you might get started.

[dooormat]

Rather, perhaps, as I was trying to suggest, you may need to come at this very differently, like by exploring or expanding all the kinds of things you can find pleasure in, not just sexual pleasure. Again, that's multi-sensory experiences where you may or can experience pleasure: anything from hikes at sunset to a hot shower to cooking a meal to putting your hands in the dirst -- if it involves one or more of your senses, it's something you (or anyone) can potentially find pleasure in.

Thanks for your help

I do find pleasure in things like hot drinks, fuzzy socks and scenic landscapes, so I guess I'm not incapable of feeling any type of pleasure at all.

I've read:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... out_desire

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... every_body

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... _it_anyway

I think, apart from the things you've talked about, I've never been emotionally intimate with anyone and had sex with them, so that's something I haven't tried. But that's because all the guys I've had feelings for have never returned them so I'll just have to wait until that happens, which could be years, or decades, or never. But I can't force someone to like me romantically.

As for erogenous zones, I know my inner wrists and my neck and nipples are sensitive, but stimulating them too much has led to them not being very tingly anymore, it's like my brain is tired of me playing with my nipples and doesn't give me any pleasure from doing that anymore.

I'm also not confident sexually but I can't afford to fix my body for a good while (poor student), I have very saggy (yet small!) boobs that make me unattractive and stop me from forming good body image but there's nothing I can really do about that either. I don't know why they're saggy, I'm young and I've been wearing bras forever so I'm not sure what happened :/

[Heather]

You know that no given body part or the way it looks means someone can't have a positive body image, right? I had half my hand cut off as a kid, and I worked that out. Same goes for some folks who have lost limbs, are in wheelchairs or are burn victims, for example -- all things that most certainly are not things we tend to see or hear held up as meeting most cultural beauty standards.

There are also people with breasts that undoubtedly look like yours (btw, the "drop" of breasts is not changed at all by brassieres or even much by age: that's mostly just genetics) who have positive body image. Positive body image doesn't come from having things look a certain way or match a certain set of beauty standards (if that were true, there would not be people who meet nearly every standard and have a negative body image, and those people exist). It comes from accepting our bodies as they are, recognizing our bodies are not just about looks (nor also just about what they can or cannot do), and making peace with them and our whole selves.

To boot, cosmetic surgery, if that is what you are talking about, has been studied around body image and self-esteem and has overwhelmingly been found not to help with that unless we are talking about surgeries for transgender people or earnestly reconstructive repairs. Same goes with things like weight loss. Therapy and other kinds of emotional work is what is associated with improvements to body image and other kinds of self-esteem.

That all said, anything else I can do to help you start taking some first steps from here?

[dooormat]

Hmm, I'm ok with body parts that are flawed, I've got some body parts that are severely flawed and I'm alright with it, it's just that breasts are a big part of femininity and sex and so on that it's quite hard to feel sexy with them looking like that. So by positive body image I just meant feeling attractive, rather than accepting that your body is not just about looks.

I don't know about what it did to self-esteem, but losing weight helped me feel much better about my appearance.

I really appreciate your help, thank you

[Heather]

What femininity is -- or any gender construct or identity -- is mostly personal and individual: in other words, you get to decide what it is for you, if it's something that you feel is about you and part of you as a person. (Same goes with what we define as attractive and what we decide or experience as part of our sexuality or sexual lives.) If YOU are saying that for you, breasts are part of your femininity and your sexual life, so they are, and here's hoping you can have them be that just as they are, since the breasts you have are the ones that are yours. Hopefully your own femininity, whatever that is, really can be yours, and be about you, not about someone else's body or parts or standards. If it doesn't, I'd suggest what likely needs adjusting isn't your breasts but your thinking and the way you are conceptualizing femininity, you know?

There also isn't ever a "this just isn't attractive," in any way that is true. At best, only "This is not something I find attractive," or "This is something someone told me they do not find attractive." People are so very diverse, and the same goes with our tastes and aesthetics.

I really hope you can eventually come around to accepting your breasts and all your body parts. There is no one way breasts look that makes them feminine or not, beautiful or not in any universal, timeless way. But if we fall for the carefully-constructed fiction that there is and get caught up in that -- be that breasts or any other part -- it sure is a whole lot harder to make peace with our bodies. In fact, beauty standards are ultimately things held up more than anything by people who make money off of people NOT being at peace with their bodies or their parts, so...well, I sure hope that's a train you can get off of sometime soon. That way just does not lie seeing ourselves or others very positively, to say the least!

Not sure if there was meant to be any cue for me in this last response per more help you were looking for, but if there was, perhaps you can ask me for help or resources more clearly and specifically?