Scarleteen

I've read a few answers around this subject on the advice column, but nothing is quite what I'm experiencing.

I'll start off with some quick things that might affect the situation:

1) I'm transgender (female to male). I've been on testosterone for 3 months now, and have been out for over two years. My family and friends are all supportive.

2) I'm in a relationship with a cis guy who is completely unfazed by my being trans (he doesn't disagree with my choices, nor is he "into" trans - i.e. doesn't fetishise me). We've been dating since beginning of October.

3) I was groomed online between 8 and 14, by a guy in America who made numerous attempts to meet me in person (including buying plane tickets) but fortunately never did, so his abuse was on all planes but the physical.

So…with that said, my problem is pretty upsetting for me. So far my partner has said nothing, but I feel like the further along in our relationship we get, the more this could grow to be an issue. I haven't spoken to him about it yet.

I can get myself off really easily (with clitoral stimulation). Sometimes when going down on him, just the act and thought of it can get me to orgasm, with no physical stimulation. I know well enough when I'm aroused (more so after starting hormones and there's been some growth), so arousal isn't the issue here. But, regardless of what I do, whenever I do ANY penetrative stimulation it feels like nothing at best, and hurts at worst.

So far me and my boyfriend have only done oral (I don't enjoy receiving, but do enjoy giving), but we're at stage where we're thinking about going ahead with full anal (I don't have any interest in PIV sex). He isn't pushing me, and is letting me set the pace for everything being the younger and inexperienced party.

I worry that it won't be pleasant for me. I love him to pieces, and he tries so hard to make me happy and bring me pleasure. If I say something feels good, he goes out of his way to do it, and I do the same for him. We have great communication. We both want it to be a great experience for the BOTH of us. But my experience with masturbation etc hasn't shown penetrative action to be at all pleasant for me. Everything is far too tight, even the vagina (to the point where I'm doubting I'm even putting it in the right place, because it feels impossible for anything bigger than a finger to fit), and even with a good hour of foreplay before inserting anything. It didn't use to bother me for years, but now I'm at a stage where I feel ready for sex, this is beginning to worry me. This is something I want to enjoy, and everyone seems to have fun so much—I just feel like I have no nerves down there.

I've seen a gyno, I've used lube, but I just don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like a malfunctioning machine. Please help, and sorry for the word vomit.

Hi Scottch, and welcome to Scarleteen

It can be so frustrating when your brain wants to do something but other parts of your body aren't cooperating. I'm glad to hear though that you and your partner have such a positive relationship, as that can help with some of the approaches you might end up trying.

You mention the abuse you experienced when you were younger. Were you able to see a counselor or therapist in the aftermath, or would you be open to seeing one now? I ask because trauma can have unexpected effects on your physical self, sometimes in ways that you're almost not conscious of, and it's possible it could be playing a role here.

Is the penetration you two are hoping try anal? Or are you wanting to try vaginal penetration with a toy or a a hand? Because anal sex might not trigger the same pain.

Sam W wrote:Hi Scottch, and welcome to Scarleteen

It can be so frustrating when your brain wants to do something but other parts of your body aren't cooperating. I'm glad to hear though that you and your partner have such a positive relationship, as that can help with some of the approaches you might end up trying.

You mention the abuse you experienced when you were younger. Were you able to see a counselor or therapist in the aftermath, or would you be open to seeing one now? I ask because trauma can have unexpected effects on your physical self, sometimes in ways that you're almost not conscious of, and it's possible it could be playing a role here.

I started seeing a psychologist when I was 16 for depression, and this did come up eventually. We pressed charges but nothing came of it, and honestly the more I talk about it, the worse I feel. Back when I first spoke up about it, it started off a whole load of nightmares, and honestly for the amount I feel it bothers me it's not worth dragging it all back up. If that makes sense?

I do have to see a psychiatrist and doctor for my transition, and I've brought this up to them, but their responses varied from "why would you transition to being a guy, and then want to receive penetration?" to "well, that's not really my problem".

Is the penetration you two are hoping try anal? Or are you wanting to try vaginal penetration with a toy or a a hand? Because anal sex might not trigger the same pain.

Anal. He's been with guys before (on both sides), so it's something we're both comfortable with, and he at least has some idea how it's supposed to go.
I really, really am not into vaginal. If anal proves to not work for us, I might give it one shot, but honestly it's more uncomfortable for me than anal is when I try with myself or with toys. Anal at least doesn't hurt, and isn't half as tight as the front is – it just doesn't feel good either. Plus there's a dysphoria element there. I don't really want things poking around in areas my brain is saying shouldn't exist, haha.

Just to check in with this piece, have you considered, and discussed, that these kinds of sex just don't work for you?

I think it's always important to remember that just like no kind of anything - like eating, for example - works for all our bodies and/or sexualities, the same is true of sex. There are going to be some things we can't do, won't do, or don't want to do, and the same will often be true for our partners, in just about any sexual interaction or relationship. And sometimes people might feel disappointed that they or a partner can't or won't do, but with so many myriad sexual possibilities, if people don't get hung up on that, it's usually just not that big of a deal.

Heather wrote:Just to check in with this piece, have you considered, and discussed, that these kinds of sex just don't work for you?

I think it's always important to remember that just like no kind of anything - like eating, for example - works for all our bodies and/or sexualities, the same is true of sex. There are going to be some things we can't do, won't do, or don't want to do, and the same will often be true for our partners, in just about any sexual interaction or relationship. And sometimes people might feel disappointed that they or a partner can't or won't do, but with so many myriad sexual possibilities, if people don't get hung up on that, it's usually just not that big of a deal.

Well, we haven't tried full on intercourse yet so I genuinely don't know whether or not it'll work for us, but based on experience by myself I just worry it won't feel like anything - which is distressing for me, because I want to enjoy it.

But even him going down on me didn't feel like much of anything. It's just really frustrating, because I want to have this between us. I've asked friends who are active about it and all of them are baffled that it doesn't feel like anything. Even kissing feels like nothing to me. I feel broken and numbed off, and I can't bear to tell him that with all the will in the world, I'm not taking pleasure from it, because bless his heart he tries so HARD, and he really gets off on bringing others pleasure.

Okay, so here's a thing: you are having the experience you're having. I totally get that you're really disappointed by it. I also totally get that you really want to be able to respond in a way, and to things, you feel your partner really wants and enjoys.

But.

Things are the way they are right now. By all means, they might not always be like this, and I think it would be a good idea to talk with your therapist about them in depth, and perhaps also see if you can't get a healthcare referral to a doctor for your physical health who isn't both more trans-literate, but also more literate and educated when it comes to sexuality. (If you want help with that hunt, give a shout, I would be glad to help with that.)

But.

Things are how they are right now, and I think you have to be honest with yourself and your partner about that, find an acceptance in yourself around it, and then talk together to figure out what, if any, kind of sexual relationship will work for the both of you. It sounds like there are places where you two connect well sexually, and like this is the kind of partner who would likely be glad to take the time to work together to find what works.

When you do all that, it might help to think a little differently about pleasure. For instance, you say you enjoy giving oral sex. You say he likes bringing others pleasure. Well, there you go, something involving him and his body that gives you pleasure. See what I mean?

It's always hard, no matter what the situation, for people to create and enjoy a sexual life with each other if one or more people are more focused on what they can't do than what they can, and on what isn't working than on what is. I'd strongly suggest focusing on the realities of all this instead of the ideals, and on what CAN work, rather than getting stuck on, or trying to "fix" what isn't working.