Penis Fear

[princess]

I'm having a bit of a struggle. My boyfriend has made it quite clear that he's interested in sex. I am too. Neither of us have any experience with an of this, which is fine. Gotta start somewhere right?
My issue is, I panic. I go into it consciously knowing, okay, this is probably going to happen, and as soon as it does, I get scared and panic. I'm 100% okay with it, until it actually happens.
For example, the other day, while we were making out, he took my hand and put it on his penis. Like, skin to skin, not through clothes. I panicked, and I couldn't do it. How do I get over my fear?

[Karyn]

Hi princess.

Can I ask, first of all, if when your boyfriend put your hand on his penis, if he checked in with you first to see if that's what you wanted? I'm also wondering if you have any trauma in your history that might be factoring into this: any abuse or assault of any kind?

[princess]

We've talked about it before, but he didn't specifically ask at the time. I don't have any sort of trauma, so that's not an issue.

[Karyn]

Okay. So what I'd say going forward is that he needs to ask before doing anything sexual with you. That's just a basic part of doing consent, really, and it's actually not that surprising that you felt uncomfortable or panicky about him moving your hand like that, because it sounds like it was something you didn't really have a say in. We have a piece about consent here that might be useful for the two of you to read: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

I'm also wondering if it might be helpful for you to be the initiator here for a while. It sounds - from this thread and your last one - that he's the one making the first move all the time. On top of that, it also sounds from some of the language you're using like maybe you feel that sexual contact of any kind is something that's happening to you, rather than something you're actively participating in, and having an agreement with your boyfriend that you'll be the one to ask about sex for the time being might be a way to counteract that. Because really, sex of any kind shouldn't be something that just happens or that happens to us, and when it does feel like that, it can be pretty crummy: feeling like you don't have as much of a role or a say in what's going on can lead to panic, so I wouldn't be surprised if that's some of what's going on here. There's an article on the main site about this very topic that you may find helpful in thinking about this: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)