Scarleteen

I know I've posted on here before, but I honestly can't find an answer anywhere I've already looked and hoped this might give me something - anything - other than "I don't know, but it affects us too." My question, is more so how does sex affect guys? As in their first time. I know girls go through several stages of their first time such as the emotional aspect, the worrying, and heartache if the relationship doesn't work out in the end, but what about guys?

I've kind of talked to my boyfriend about this a little bit just to try and get his perspective on the matter, but since we haven't had sex it was kind of hard to get an answer. It might help to give a little back story, but we almost had sex a while ago - with a condom and me on birth control, we've discussed at length always having at least two forms of protection, and if anything were to happen how we'd handle the situation - but right before we got to that point he got really nervous and we ended up stopping because he ended up losing whatever excitement there was.

In the conversations we've had in the past over this topic, it's obvious we're on the same page. He never refers to having sex as "getting laid" or a "casual fuck" and then we're done. We've been together almost 7 ish months (I don't really keep count of when he asked me out so it's just a rough guess) but we both agreed when we first started dating - before we become as serious as we are now - that our first times would be with someone we loved and saw a future with, be it a long relationship that led to something else or just a really long relationship, and he does everything right. When we do anything sexual he's constantly asking if I'm okay or uncomfortable, and when sex gets brought up he refers to it as "making love" instead of "having sex, fucking, bumping uglies" whichever term you prefer.

So mentally I know we're on the same page, but I'm wondering about everything else. Not necessarily my boyfriend in general - as that was mostly just back story and a little insight on our relationship and where we both stand - but usually when I've talked to some of my male friends who have had sex they don't really have the same emotional, or really anything, kind of story like my female friends. With my female friends they gush about everything - which is expected as it's a huge thing - but with my male friends it's more "I don't know." or "It was sex with my girlfriend." even with those male friends who have been in serious relationships.

I guess what I'm really trying to ask is, what is the perspective of a guy when it comes to their first time? From the before, during, and after if you can explain (or care to), what goes through y'all's minds? Do you get nervous? Do you think "god I love her" or something cheesy? Or is it more along the lines of "I'm getting laid!"? Is it as big for you as it is for girls, or is that just us attaching a lot of emotion to it?

I'd really caution against making generalisations with this stuff. As a cis lady myself, my first time was really nothing like what you describe there as the "girl version" - it was totally spontaneous, fun, I wasn't at all worried (though I should have been as we didn't use protection), and when the relationship ended I was sad only because I'd broken up with someone I loved, not because I'd had sex with him - so I equally wouldn't assume that any random guy can tell you how your boyfriend feels.

There definitely are social conventions which say that guys should *express* their emotions differently, though (and different versions of those rules often apply to girls too), so I kind of suspect that's more what you've picked up on with your guy friends. To be honest, I think the question is unanswerable, because how any one person experiences and feels about their first time depends totally on the situation, the person or people they had sex with, how they felt at the time, their personality and beliefs... And so on.

So, sorry for not answering your question :p

I wasn't trying to make any generalizations, but more so say the stereotypes you hear that girls put more emotion into it or worry or something along those lines. The few friends I've talked to about that just fit in that category which is why I mentioned those few. I wasn't trying to make generalizations about every female though, so I apologize if it came off that way. As for the break up thing, I meant sad in a way because you've had that connection with someone not necessarily just because you slept with them. I should work on rephrasing.

But thank you for answering with your opinion on the matter, I also don't think there's one simple answer, but was moreso looking for anything other than "It was sex" (something one of my male friends have said in the past to me, not generalizing all males as some have been emotional.) I get curious about random things and sometimes wish I could just crack open a guys mind and dig around for the answers I want, but thank you again for your opinion on it.

ICantThink, I hear that you're asking for guys' opinions on this, and I don't want to get in the way of that! Still, maybe my two pence is helpful to you: I remember a number of conversations I and my colleagues have had on the boards with guys who were expressing not feeling ready for sex when their girlfriend was, guys who only wanted to have sex within a close romantic relationship, guys who were nervous about sex, guys who'd had previous partners but who were nervous about sex with a new particular partner who they really liked, guys who enjoyed the emotional closeness, guys who enjoyed the physical fun with someone they liked and respected, guys who were concerned about being "good enough" (whatever that meant to each individual)... and that's just what I'm remembering right now . Not so much with any gung-ho attitudes toward sex, at all.

There are a few advice columns on the site that you might find interesting:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _ready_yet
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... ntercourse
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... and_babies

While I was looking through, I found a noticeable number of advice questions from young women who were confused, worried or upset that their boyfriends didn't seem to be responding about sex in the "expected" way for young men. I found that quite striking, and I thought you might too. I've pulled a small selection of those for you, too:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... ait_i_cant
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... he_love_me
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... he_so_isnt
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... o_i_do_now

Thank you for all the links! I'll be sure to read each one after responding. I was looking for guys opinions on this, but opinions from anyone is also great! Thank you for responding and for the information

Btw, users can create polls here on the boards, so if you wanted to make one for guys around this topic, you're certainly welcome to do that!

Thank you Heather for that information! I didn't know that was possible actually so I'll have to figure out how to do that since I'm still relatively new to this site. Thanks for the tip though

If you click New Thread on the forum page, there's a button near the bottom for creating polls: http://www.modyourpanties.com/hosting/6 ... button.jpg

And I'm sorry if I came across preachy - I really didn't mean to! Gender essentialism (the idea that certain traits/behaviours/tendencies are fundamentally "guy things" or "girl things") just really bugs me.

You're perfectly fine! After you pointed it out I reread what I had posted and it did sound like I was generalizing, so I should have rephrased that. But don't worry, I get that way about certain topics too so you weren't being preachy And thank you for giving me the link to create polls as well