Intimacy Fears

[bluejay]

I am 21 and have had very little sexual experience. I only held hands and kissed one guy (once). I get extremely nervous any time I am in a situation where there is potential for any physical contact. I have gone on dates with a few guys who are really nice and respectful and have given me no reason to feel scared around them, but I just get really tense whenever there is an opportunity for physical contact and I think they can sense that and have been perfectly respectful and not pushed me to do anything. So, I think they are trying to be respectful and wait for me to initiate things, but I never do because I'm too scared. But because of this I think give off the impression that I don't like them (even if I've explicitly stated otherwise) and they always lose interest in me eventually because of this.

I really want to be affectionate and am attracted to them, but as soon as the opportunity presents itself for that to actually happen I freeze. The problem is my lack of sexual experience and anxiety around touch is a huge insecurity for me so it's really difficult to discuss with anyone, but it is a problem that comes up very early on in a relationship so I don't know how to handle that. I'm not comfortable talking about it, but it needs to be addressed early on.

I'm worried I won't be able to get over these fears because this is something that I can't solve by myself obviously, but I'm too scared to work on it with other people. Also I doubt anyone will be willing to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to show any physical affection.

[Sam W]

Hi Bluejay,

Can you tell me a little more about your anxiety around being touched? Is it just with potential romantic partners or does it extend to friends and family as well.

Since you're not currently comfortable talking about it, would you like us to help you come up with ways to discuss this with a partner? As you identified, it helps to address this early on in a relationship and we might be able to help you develop scripts to do that.

[bluejay]

The anxiety is only with potential romantic partners. I'm fine with friends and family. I think I am just really nervous that I will do something wrong or embarrassing. I know that that this is an irrational fear, but in the moment I am unable to convince myself of this and I just conclude that it's not worth the possible embarrassment/rejection so I just don't try at all. Like I don't know what I'm doing and I'm also scared I won't like it and that means no one will want to be with me if I won't have sex with them eventually.

I'm mostly just not comfortable talking about it with a partner.

[Sam W]

What you're describing is something we've heard before. When people are new to romantic or sexual intimacy, there can often be a worry of doing it wrong. And the truth is that sometimes something will feel not good, either to us or to our partner. But that doesn't mean anything is being done wrong. Physical touch carries a component of experimentation, and as long as any "eek, stop" touches are stopped when asked, then there's no harm in that trial and error. Too, while there are some people who would see your caution as a dealbreaker, the right partner for you will be someone who is willing to go at the pace you need around this.

Can you tell me more about that discomfort. Does it have to do with talking about sex, or is there another element of that conversation that makes you stressed?

I'm also going to give you this article. I think it does a good job of framing intimacy as something much broader and more attainable than many people normally think of: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

[bluejay]

It's just extra weird because this is generally a problem most people have faced by my age so I'm just worried anyone I want to date will think it's weird for me to be this nervous. In my experience, there really haven't been people willing to go at the pace I need because it is ridiculously slow.

Yes talking about sex makes me nervous, but I'm also just worried about having a conversation about something so intimate (to me) before even having kissed them..

[Sam W]

There will definitely be people who cannot handle going at a slow pace. But one way to think of it is that, at least for right now, a quality that makes someone a good partner for you is a willingness to do that. That eliminates some people, but not everyone (in the same way that pretty much any boundary around sex will eliminate some people but not others).

I think this article might be helpful for you to read through right about now. Having conversations like that with a partner can be tricky, but there are things you can do to make them easier: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[bluejay]

I don't know how to make people understand that I like them while refusing to touch them.. Like they don't believe me even if I say I do or they don't care that I do.

[Jacob]

Hi bluejay...

This sounds pretty stressful, I'm sorry to hear you've been in a rut about it!

I just had a few thoughts while reading through your comments.

First thought: When you say they don't believe you I'm wondering how explicit you are being about your feelings. It can really diffuse things to be super direct about how you might feel. "I'm tensing up because I get really nervous with physical touch, but I do really like you. My body just reacts like this" could be the start of a really useful conversation.

Second: Perhaps bringing up the topic before you get to that physically-intimate space could be a useful way to start that conversation earlier. You could be the one to tell them you like them before any of this comes up. That could be pretty cool.

Third: Are these guys being fair if they aren't believing what you say to them? Or might they believe you but not be the right people for you. I think it's useful to think about how we communicate, but your posts here have a slight taste of self-blame so do remember that communication is a shared responsibility. So even if you do find you need to make changes please don't take the full weight of this on your shoulders. It sounds like you're doing a great job of trying to communicate, reflecting and seeking help.

Fourth: Consent might be something for you to think about too, and how consent works for you. Many people might use physical cues to communicate in sex however verbal communication is often a lot clearer. For you that sounds extra true. So thinking about how you can ask for what you want or how you'd like to say yes to things (and how you'd like those questions to be asked) can all help you have a smoother ride with regards to navigating consent too (see our article on that)

I hope this helps! Did you read through the blabbermouth article? Was it helpful?