Feeling ashamed after masturbation

[pyrodin]

Hello there! I've had this trouble for some time now, and I want to get rid of it. You see, when I'm done masturbating, I always feel sad and ashamed, but I like to do it. Feelings of shame and sadness prevent me from enjoying myself, how to deal with it? Is it wrong?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, pyrodin.

It might help to first identify where you got the idea that there is anything shameful about masturbation and other kinds of sex, as well as how those ideas got in there so deeply to impact you like this. Any thoughts about that?

[pyrodin]

I kinda wanted to stop doing it a couple of years ago, fearing it will hurt me, then I was being bullied in school for many reasons, thus making me more shy than ever, and alot of things make me feel shame (not as bad as after masturbation, though), but I like doing it anyway, but the feelings prevent me from doing it. I also feel shame because I think somebody knows what I did, and I know that nobody does know what I'm doing, but I still feel the same.

[Heather]

What IF someone knew?

The vast majority of people in the world do masturbate or have masturbated. It's as common as say, eating bread or walking. I certainly know you do it, because I know how many people do it and you have told me. And I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, just like I don't think any of the other myriad safe things we can do to seek pleasure -- like making a great meal, or looking at paintings in a museum or talking a walk on a beautiful day -- are anything to be ashamed of.

How do you feel about that, about someone knowing and not thinking there's anything wrong with that? Is this about people knowing, or a fear about people knowing and reacting badly?

Too, can you give me a sense of how you grew up in regards to shame in general, or with this? Was shame something encouraged or that you didn't get help unloading growing up?

[pyrodin]

I guess it is the fear of people knowing and reacting badly, because of bullying I went through. The shame appeared around 5th grade in School, when I was starting to get bullied, but before the 5th grade I was fine, no masturbation shame, no shame at all. Shame wasn't encouraged, my mom even told me that masturbation is normal, but it didn't really help me.

[Heather]

Okay. So, how do you think anyone would know you didn't tell?

[pyrodin]

That's...a good question, I don't know myself, really. I could say it's all because of bullying and being ashamed for atleast 2-3 years, or maybe because I'm extremley shy, but I actually don't know...

[Heather]

Is there anything you can think of that might make you feel safer in masturbation being something that's 100% private for you, and something someone else could only know about you if you told them?

[pyrodin]

No, even being alone in my apartment and doing it still makes me feel ashamed.

[Heather]

Okay. Let me try coming at this a different way, and see where that leads us.

What do you, yourself, think is shameful about masturbation? And whatever those things are, are they just about you masturbating, or do you think they're shameful for everyone and anyone who masturbates?

[pyrodin]

The act itself is kinda shameful for me, and only for me.

[Heather]

Okay. Can you tell me a little about what it is you think is shameful about it? Like, what is there to be ashamed of?

[pyrodin]

I just think it's something people normally wouldn't do, my friends are joking about masturbation so much that they made me think so, that it isn't normal to do (even if it's actually perfectly normal thing to do).

[pyrodin]

I guess we won't get anywhere like this, because I can't explain what is actually happening, sorry for wasting your time.

[Heather]

I don't feel you've wasted my time. Maybe we'd be best served with you just marinating on the things we did talk about for a day or so, then popping back in if you see a good place to start?