What's wrong with my body

[pyromantic]

Hello, I don't really know where to begin explaining this.
I have a very low sex drive and I don't understand why nor know how to bring it back up so that I can enjoy sex and become sexually active confidently.
Like my body will get aroused without me knowing and whenever I try and do something about it to see if I will be responsive, it goes away almost automatically and I don't know how to make it stay.
Or I will have trouble to begin with and won't get aroused at all whenever I would like to engage in masturbation and what not.
I've tried clitoral activities and it doesn't produce a reaction for the most part and when I go directly to the clit under the hood, it's too sensitive and gives a rather sharp response, which isn't really enjoyable.
I have tried masturbation with objects to see if the insertion of something other than my fingers would serve anything and it doesn't.
I really don't want my body to be broken at a young age, I just want to know what could possibly be going on with my body regarding as to why I can't get aroused or aroused for a longer period of time.

[Heather]

For one, none of this sounds like your body is "broken." So, you can let that go.

It generally isn't useful to talk about a sex "drive" in the first place, since that term doesn't really mean anything, but besides that, there is no "normal" range of frequency or intensity of sexual desire, so we can't really talk about any of this as being high or low.

So, let's try this a different way, and also roll things back so we're not just talking about your genitals.

What are your experiences like with pleasure with all of your body, not just your genitals? When you feel like touching your own body, what else are you doing besides going right for your genitals?

And when you say your feelings of arousal "go away" when you touch yourself, can you describe more of what that experience is like? Is it, for instance, about being turned off, ashamed or repelled, or about just becoming immediately disinterested?

What have your experiences been like with sexual partners? Have they involved more than just genital touch/sex, and when things are going on that aren't genital, do you feel into them (assuming you also generally feel very excited by and attracted to these partners)?

[pyromantic]

1) What else am I doing besides going right for my genitals:
I'm big on light stim so usually I will like to touch around my inner thighs and up and down and around my breasts and abdomen.
2) In my case it's where whenever I try to take charge of how I'm feeling, I will become immediately disinterested.
3) I have rather restricted to no genital touching when it comes to partners that I have because since I'm not responsive when with myself, it makes me feel kind of ashamed of that and so I try to avoid it all together. I do like the sorts of touching that goes on when they touch me outside of genital contact (since I haven't explored that yet) such as light touching that I direct, grabbing and mouthing and stuff like that.

[Heather]

Okay, so do I have right that you're having feelings of both shame and discomfort with a lack of control when it comes to your genitals and body?

[pyromantic]

Yes.

Do you have advice, perhaps?

[Heather]

I might, but alas, I have more questions first (sorry!):

Have you had feelings of shame about your body or sexuality before, even before you thought much about your sexuality? Or do you feel like this is solely about the current, which includes things you led with here like having ideas about what is and isn't sexually normal, and that you and your body are not, and that you aren't experiencing arousal or genital sensation in the way you feel you should be (again, I presume, based on the idea there's a normal with any of this)?

If you do have a history with feeling shame about your body before this, can you fill me in on it a little?

Also: when you have sought out sexual partners, can you tell me what you're looking for in them? Do you enjoy being sexual with partners in ways that aren't about your genitals? Are you the one seeking them out in the first place? Do you feel safe and sound with them, and able to be open, like you could talk to any of them about any of this?

[Heather]

Just FYI, I have to head out of work here soon, so will have to pick this up again tomorrow with you.

In the meantime, I think there's an article here that might really help you out to go through with some of this: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... fectionism

[pyromantic]

Apologies aren't needed, it's fine. I'm willing to sit through anything to get answers to be honest since I'd like to act on what I can get and improve sooner.

1) What you have described in the section regarding it solely about the current and that I have created a construct of what should be normal regarding my arousal, yes. That is it.

2) I have and it was very based on how I looked, regarding my genitalia, compared to how others must look whom have successful sexual relations with other people. Like since I don't find myself very desirable it must be a foreshadowing that others aren't going to find me any different. Also, how I felt when it came to my lack of sensitivity (supposedly) is something to be shameful of since, you know, it's a social construct more or less to respond to certain things a certain way and I genuinely felt and do feel that since I don't, that there is something up and that because of that that would also lead me to be undesirable as well. Which is why I said I'm quite bashful and embarrassed to attempt to make sexual progressions with people.

3) I don't seek out people to be strictly a sexual partner to me, usually them being a sexual partner of mine coincides with them also being my actual partner which is my current situation. So in that case what I look for in a "sexual partner" is a connection and understanding for when I need patience in things such as getting to the point of being sexually exposed to them considering how insecure I am about myself. And then yes to both: I do enjoy partaking in sexual things that aren't involving our genitals and I do feel comfortable and safe with them to where I could talk to them about this.
And I have touched on it lightly with them, as I have also tried to talk about possibly being sexually active with them in the future.
It's just that since it's a kind of "me" issue, I find that I should take the liberty to figure out my body by myself so that I don't necessarily have to stumble through these obstacles that I'm facing with them and possibly discourage them at points because of things that I don't even know what to do about, if that makes sense?

[pyromantic]

Thank you xx I will read it.

[Sam W]

Hi Pyromantic,

I hope you don't mind me stepping in with (you guessed it) a few more questions. You mention not finding yourself desirable. Can you tell me if that's a long standing feeling for you, or if it came up attached to something else going on in your life? I would offer that, even if we struggle finding ourselves desirable, that doesn't mean other people will see us the same way (often, other people can see in us what we're struggling to see in ourselves). That being said, this may be another place where we could help you out, since feeling like you're undesirable can knock you through a loop.

And what you're saying about feeling like you need to know yourself better before helping someone else know you certainly makes sense. And if it's what makes you feel most comfortable right now, that's a boundary you're allowed to have. I do wonder, do you feel like some of your shame or worry has gone away when you're with a partner who you trust and are enjoying yourself with?

[pyromantic]

It's just something that has come up recently since I've been in this relationship with my current partner and have been thinking a lot more about wanting to be sexually open and active with them. And it definitely makes sense that this sort of mind set that I'm sporting could do a number to other things going on with me as well, which I've never really thought about till now since I always imagined that how you sexually feel is always sort of separated from what's going on in your head. Which is why I kinda felt out of place when while I did think of myself so negatively, I should still be coming up with some sort of reaction to something at some point regardless of that if that makes sense? And as far as I know that may be the case for some people, but it's clearly not for me if it's having an impact like this and I appreciate that new light.

It's not necessarily a boundary I'm trying to set up for myself, it's more of a defensive sort of thing actually, since I feel I'd be pretty dissatisfied with myself if I wasn't able or didn't know how to please myself the way I want to with just myself and would have to rely on someone else just so I can get that kind of gratification. But to answer the last question, yes. I do feel that way. I will feel like some of my worry and shame has gone away when I'm enjoying myself with a partner that I trust and am enjoying myself with.

[Sam W]

How would you feel, then, about brainstorming some ideas on addressing that feeling of being undesirable?

I'm glad to hear that you feel some of those negative feelings go away when you're with a partner. I wonder if something what might help is to reframe knowing yourself or exploring your body and what makes it feel good is something that can be done as a couple as well as being done alone. In other words, start to think of partners as co-explorers so that you don't feel as though you have to know your body completely before being intimate with someone else. Does that make sense?

[pyromantic]

I'd be open on the option of brainstorming and it does make sense, for sure.

[Mo]

I just thought I'd jump in to make a note about something you said above, about how you've thought about sexual feelings being separated from what's going on in your head. What we know about sexuality and how people experience sexual pleasure is that what's happening in the brain is vital; ultimately the brain is the most important sexual organ. So if you're finding yourself feeling shame or other big negative feelings that come up during sexual activity, that can definitely impact your ability to feel arousal or enjoy being sexual in the moment.
This article with some more detail might be helpful to read through: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

In terms of addressing feelings of being undesirable, Sam will probably have other ideas but I'll share one I've found really helpful for me: taking the time to look at people I encounter in my daily life, whether they're friends, acquaintances, or strangers, and notice things I find beautiful or attractive about them. It doesn't have to be something that's sexually appealing, just something I find pleasing, and I have to frame it as "this person has a really fantastic nose" and not "I wish my nose looked more like that." You might even find this helpful when you notice someone with a body shape like yours, or another physical similarity - can you find something beautiful in them that you can't see in yourself yet? And with time, might that positive feeling transfer over to how you feel about or see yourself?
I really do think that the extremely narrow view of "attractive" people that we see in a lot of media can skew our thoughts on not just what type of body/person is attractive, but who's even allowed to feel attractive or desirable. "People who look like me are comic relief in films but never have relationships" can turn into "no one will want to date someone like me" pretty quickly, in my experience. I've found that challenging myself to broaden my thoughts of what I find attractive and to find those aspects in more people I encounter has made it easier to be just as kind and complimentary to myself. It's an ongoing process, for sure, but it's been helpful.