Did I cheat or was I .....??

[confusedgirl]

I don't know if I was sexually assaulted/violated or if I cheated on my boyfriend.
I went out one night with my best friends and a newer guy friend who had been taking me and my boyfriend out on his boat. We were suppose to go on the previous night including my bf but "the guy" had to change plans for the following day and my bf worked 2 jobs and had to wake up early again for the next day's early job. ( I invited him out but he said no). I'm not a big party person I like to stay at home and sleep, I hate going down town actually but it was a late bday outing and my friends also couldn't make the prior day due to being out of town still for the holidays.
I met this guy though a mutual friend. He was a pretty cool guy. He has talked to me about girls/relationships and he seemed to be interested in 2 of my friends he had met. One of those friends he had met for the first that night we went out. The night had started out really fun. We went to a few places to get drinks and play games. He spent a lot of time talking to my friend he seemed interested in. By the end of the night we were all hungry and we're suppose to find food but couldn't and we also weren't in the position to drive. We ended back at the place we started off with for drinks, also where his car was parked that happened to be a hotel. I had always wanted to stay at this hotel and we all didn't know what to do. I was extremely tired & we decided to just get a room. I have many guy friends so I know how to share a space/even bed & just sleep to myself. ( just because you're opposite sex doesn't mean you have to have sex because you're sharing. I've shared a bed with a couple of guy friends way prior to this realationship that I actually was attracted to the guy but still we kept sour hands to ourself and just slept). The night took a turn for the worse once we got up to the room I remember plopping into bed and being ready to just pass out. I heard him & my friend making sounds. I could tell he was trying to get some action from her. I was on the end of the bed my friend was in the middle and he was on the opposite end. I can't tell if she wanted what he was doing to her but I remember at one point I threw myself around her as if I was spooning her from behind and crossed my leg over her body so he would hopefully stop and leave her alone. The night is a bit of a blur and some parts are blacked out. I don't feel like I even drank that much for that to happen to me but I could be underestimating how much I drank it's was from 5pm-2am with about no food in my system. I know he gave me something to drink when we got into the room from the mini fridge I can't remember if it was water or another beer. I know at one point my friend in a final attemp to get him to leave her alone she went to the bathroom where I followed & she pretended to throw up. We both were discussing something about the situation. She proceeded to make herself throw up & he tried to check on us but I didn't let him in the bathroom. I don't remember if before this had happened I went to the bathroom then came out but sat by the sink where I couldn't be seen because I was trying to avoid the situation I sat down and had my knees pulled to my chest with my head down. He came to check on me and got me to go back to the bed. My friend pretending to throw up & to start crying from "feeling like shit and being sick". She was now on the end of the bed and I was in the middle trying to "comfort her". I tucked the second sheet under me so he couldn't touch me if he wanted to. He ended up pulling the sheet from under me & started to put his hands on me. I froze up, I didn't say stop, no, I didn't push him off me. I remember squeezing my friends shoulder trying to get her to do something, to help me. He started getting more involved with my privates with his penis out and his hands on me. I remember him thrusting on me and I was trying to discretely whisper to my friend " help me, help me, help me" also clenching her shoulder over and over while he was behind me touching me. I'm not sure if she was really passed out at that point. I remember he got up again and I tucked the sheet back under me again in an attempt to stop him & he again pulled it from under me. I wasn't attracted to him, I wasn't into him in an emotional or physical way and for some reason I couldn't be my normal tough self and tell him to get off, or no, or just get myself out of the situation. It seemed like he just wasn't going to stop until he got what he wanted and I gave in. I did things I didn't want to do to/with him so he would hopefully just be done and leave me alone. It's been a few days since this has happened and I feel so guilty, I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years, I feel dirty, sick, loss of appetite, I'm finding it hard to breath a lot, hard to sleep, I can't stop thinking about what happened. I want to tell my boyfriend. I'm scared he will just think I cheated. I never wanted anything from this new friend like this. I expected him to be a gentleman knowing me and hanging out with me and my boyfriend. I never saw him wanting to put his hands on me. He never showed any signs of flirting with me or anything prior to the hotel or any times we hung out. I don't know how drunk he was but we talked for a little the day after. I'm sure that by my actions he assumed I was consenting but the whole time I was disgusted & just wanted it to be over with. I don't know how he didn't see the signs that I wasn't interested until of course I felt like I had to give in to get him to stop. I don't even remember when I fell asleep or even if I got sleep, I don't remember when it ended, I feel like I got 0 sleep as if I shut my eyes and opened them back up and it was already 7am again and he had his hands on my crotch and I was so tired I didn't even feel him I woke up because my phone was vibrating & it was my bf so I jumped out of bed. I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend feeling so guilty & gross. I don't know what to do. We have lived together for most of our relationship. Im worried this will ruin everything. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to do something crazy because that guy goes into his work sometimes. I want to tell him now but also want time to pass but I know that would only make him more mad that I didn't tell him right away. I really don't know what to do. I'm not good at being a liar, & don't know if I was sexually assaulted or if I cheated on my boyfriend since I gave in and tried to get that guy to be done with what he was trying to accomplish. I'm scared if he confronts this guy the guy will tell him how I seemed to be into it since I did this and that even though I didn't enjoy any of it. It was just to get him to leave me alone that I gave in. I had a gross look on my face but he couldn't see. I just don't know why this guy had to come on to me like an animal and not take the hints from how me and my friend were acting and the things I was doing and how he had to keep trying with both of us for so long. I still just feel like no matter what this is, it's all my fault. This all makes me so sick. I would have never put myself in the position of being in the same room with someone like that if I had any ideas that the person would try to do something with me.
It's really hard because we live together and my dad lives with us because we help him as well I don't want him to know anything about my relationship life or problems. I've never been close with him like that, I also love my boyfriend and his family and I'm scared about how angry they will be with me as well. I've never cheated. Even if I was single this situation I feel would still have me feeling violated and grossed out. I'm having a really hard time breathing these past few days since it happened. I'm at the point of thinking I should've just let him drive us home and if we got into a crash and I died that would've been a better outcome than what actually happened that night.

I ended up calling him like I said that day after thinking that would help. I guess I really just thought he would be sorry for his actions and apologize for coming into me and take blame knowing he home wrecked and tried so hard. He didn't seem too regretful or sorry. It wasn't his problem.

I txted him just today again trying to seek answers as if that would help again. I shouldn't have. It took a lot for me to try to talk to him and I really wanted to tell him what he did wasn't **** ok, and was I unwelcomed, I trusts him to be an adult/ gentleman that's why I thought we could all sleep safely in the same place also. I asked him many times DID I DO SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM THINK I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM? Did I give him any signs that that's how I wanted things to go?? He never answered that he never said well I got the feeling when..... I guess he knows he didn't have an answer and that I didn't signal him at all.

[Eddie C]

Hello there, confusedgirl. Welcome to Scarleteen.

This was not your fault.

I am really sorry you had to go through this, and that you are feeling so bad and confused about it. Is completely understandable feeling so upset so please do anything you need to take care of yourself.

Before anything else, I want to start by saying that anyone should be able to share a space, have drinks and have any kind of fun without worrying if someone is going to take advantage of them. We are not and cannot be responsible for other people's actions. The ONLY way to avoid assault is when the person who is assaulting stops and just does not do it.

We can talk about what where do you want to go from here, what are your options and what help do you need from us, but first I just want to check in with you to make sure you feel safe right now and have at least someone to talk. Going through something like this gets harder when someone is alone and lacks from support either from family or friends. While I understand your hesitation about talking to your partner, is there anyone else you would feel comfortable talking?

[confusedgirl]

I'm safe now. The only person who I can talk to so far in my friend who was also there that night. I just need answers and I don't have them. I still really don't know how to feel. I still blame myself. I really want to tell my s/o but am really worried to mess up things, I don't want him to worry, I also don't want to talk about the situation but if it comes out later on down the line I'm worried he will be more hurt and also felt lied to.

[Sam W]

Hi confusedgirl,

It's completely understandable to want answers right now. Something I'd encourage you to do is give yourself permission to not have all the answers at the moment. You've gone through something incredibly traumatic that was not your fault (seriously, this dude 100% knew what he was doing and that it was not wanted), and that often leaves people feeling very unmoored and unsure.

My first suggestion is to contact your local rape crisis center. Those organizations almost always have a hotline you can call anonymously, and it sounds like you'd really benefit from having someone you could process this all with who's trained to help you through it. Do you know which organization that would be?

With your boyfriend, if you want to tell him, do you want to use this space (and those of us who work here) as place to come up with how you want to have that conversation with him?

I also want to check: are you going to be in a space where this guy could get to you again (another get together or party)? Because if so I'd suggest either canceling that plan or developing a safety plan.

[confusedgirl]

That's going to have to be something I understand I have to do because I know I won't be able to get the answers I want unfortunately.

I don't know, but I'm sure I can google it and find it.

That would be helpful. I don't know how to bring this up, or what to say to him, I'm also just worried his view of me will change, he won't trust me, or see this as something I could've avoided but didn't and just think I cheated on him especially if I tell him I gave in and let it happen so the guy would finally stop and be done with bothering me. I don't know if that's normal. It wasn't pleasurable though.

I we don't go to the same places or work together as far as I know. This could be one of those situations when you don't want to see someone you some how end up seeing them everywhere.

[Eddie C]

In any case that you find yourself in the same place that him, just remember that you are not obligated to say hi, be nice or even stay. You do whatever you need to feel safe and stay safe.

If you need any help contacting a rape crisis center, that is something we can help you with in case you want it. Just let us know. Also, is reporting or disscusing your options about reporting something that you would be interested to? Is always going to be up to you and about what you need, so just keep in mind that it is an option and that we can also talk with you about it if you want.

[confusedgirl]

Of course. I have no reason to speak to him. He ruined me, my feelings, my trust.


I don't want to report it.
I don't want to deal with him
Or keep talking about it face to face with people. I just want to move forward hopefully and not see him again.

[Heather]

Okay. If you change your mind on any of that at any point, just let us know. We'd be glad to talk to you about your options in reporting and making that choice, about seeing out in-person help and support, or both.

I want to tell you, in the hope that it's valuable to you, that when I read your post earlier today I was heartbroken. I always am when anyone is sexually assaulted (as a fellow survivor, as an advocate, and simply as something other than a horrible human), but the way you were working so hard to spare your friend assault added extra for me. I'm so sorry all of this happened to you, but additionally sorry that your efforts to protect your friend from assault didn't result in anyone protecting you from it. You're not a good friend because you got assaulted when your friend didn't -- that's obviously grotesque -- but you certainly are for trying so hard when you yourself were vulnerable to protect someone else. That's basically most people's definition of a real hero.

So, I know you're hurting right now -- and angry, which I'm glad you are -- but I hope there's also at least a little space in your head and heart for that truth about who YOU are right now.

While I'm talking about who you are, I want to echo some of what Sam has already said, in that you are not someone in any way responsible for what this person not just chose, but clearly was very dedicated in choosing, to do to you: to intentionally do you, and your friend (par attempted assault), harm.

You are also not a disloyal partner, or a girlfriend who cheated. You didn't want to have sex with this person. You didn't choose to. Assuming your exclusivity agreement is that you won't choose to have sex with anyone else, you aren't someone who broke that agreement. That isn't you or who you are here.

You are also not someone who lacks some kind of skill at being around guys safely, and thus, this happened to you. You're instead someone who had the great misfortune of encountering someone who identified your vulnerability, saw it as something to exploit, increased it, and then exploited it. Someone who lacks the skills -- and often more accurately, the desire -- to be around women safely, and thus, he did this to you. Make sense?

I'd like to ask you about talking to your partner about this. Are they someone who, in general, you feel confident is supportive about people who have been assaulted, and generally sound in the ways he thinks about assault (rather than, say, victim-blaming or rape enabling)? Are they someone with whom you have had previous experience being very caring with you when you have felt or been very hurt in some way? Do you feel pretty confident they will believe you were assaulted, even if they have their own hard feelings about it, rather than seeing this as you cheating somehow?

You also say you are afraid if you tell him, HE will do violence to someone else. Can you trust that this person cares enough about you that if you told them you were already dealing with enough violence as it was, and him going off the rails and hurting someone else will only wind up bringing more hurt onto YOU, he would control himself?

I ask all this because if this is someone you feel will be very supportive of you, I think this may be your best at-least-one-in-person-someone to talk with. Especially since going about your intimate relationship without telling them about this is going to be very difficult, and basically wind up with you going through your relationship like some kind of charade, which would obviously be awful for both of you, especially you. And you have enough awful on your plate to deal with already. Can you talk with me some about your thoughts on disclosing to your partner?