Scarleteen

So, this is pretty painful for me to admit, and it may be completely trivial, but a few days ago, I was with a guy friend watching movies in my bedroom when he trailed his hand over the top of the covers...pretty much near the outside of my genital area, through my clothes. I think it might have been an accident (there was something about it that suggested he had no idea what he was doing), but the more I learn about assault, the more I wonder. He did apologize, but in the midst of putting together the pieces of what happened (and that's what's scary; it's sort of like my brain didn't quite record the memory. Like I was in so much shock that I couldn't say "no" and my brain just short-circuited), I'm wondering if I was assaulted and...well, what do I do? Where do I go from here?

I hope I'm not wasting anyone's time.

You're absolutely not wasting anyone's time: this is what we're here for.

Regardless of whether or not it was intentional on his part, it's clearly something that was upsetting for you and a big deal, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. As for what to do now, that's up to you. We can keep talking with you about it, but you also have the option of calling a rape crisis hotline in your area if that's something you think would be helpful. (I would also suggest that you avoid spending any time alone with this guy from here on out.)

Thank you so much. Seriously. And yeah, not spending time alone with him is a good idea. Just in case.

And talking about it here helps a great deal, thank you. It's just really painful because prior to this, he had no prior record of doing things like that, and he was just really sweet. I might have even had some...feelings and such for him. But I just felt really icky after it happened and I was even wondering a bit if it was my fault just because my body responded. (I know logically our bodies are hardwired for this but I still wondered if it was my fault somehow)

If it helps to hear, none of this was your fault. Although having your body respond to something you find scary can make that harder to remember, for sure. It's tough too when someone we like and trust does something to hurt us, so it's not surprising you're feeling pretty icky right now. If you have any self-care strategies that you know work for you, now is a great time to use them.

Where would you like to take this conversation from here?

Thank you, Karyn. Thank you.

And yeah, so far I've been doing some writing. That's helped a great deal. Writing's been one of my key self-care strategies. I'm also thinking of doing some reading before bed so I can ease into sleep better. And I may check out the Self Care A La Carte article again for ideas (because awesome article is awesome. .

I guess I am wondering what to do and where to go from here. Do I break things off with him?

Writing is a great help with all kinds of things, and I'm personally a big fan of reading for stress relief too!

Per next steps, I would suggest not having contact with him, at least for the time being: it's not likely to result in anything except you feeling more uncomfortable and stressed. I don't know if you've spoken to him or spent any time with him since this happened, and whether you need some help with letting him know that you won't be in touch for a while, but if you do need help with that obviously just say so!

Oh yes, definitely!

And no, I haven't spoken to him in a while. I don't know when we're next meeting up, actually. Not the specific dates, at least. And I could definitely use some help in terms of how to tell him, I really could.

Ok. It's probably best to keep it pretty brief, and keep it to a level of detail you're comfortable with (so if you don't want to get into specifics about why you're cutting contact, you don't have to). I wouldn't suggest meeting up in person; a phone call could work if you're okay with that, or even an email or text message. If it were me, I would probably say something like, "I know we usually see each other on a pretty regular basis, but for now I'd like to take a break from having any contact with you. If that changes I'll let you know."

(By the way, I'm heading out for the evening shortly, but I'll be back tomorrow afternoon and there will be other staff members here who can pick up with you as well.)

Thank you, Karyn. Thank you.

I decided to take a break, just for a weekend or so to get my head together. I also spoke with my counselor for school when she asked me about if anything personal was on my mind (as it was weighing me down a great deal) and she said that I had my choice to either break things off with the guy or continue with some ground rules. Things seem to be split with the people I talked to between it being a misunderstanding/him having feelings for me and not knowing how to express them (which...I admit I'm not sure about. Do people usually do that?) and something where it really just mattered how I felt. What really makes it even more complicated is me having some feelings towards him before the incident (which has mostly left me confused). If it were just a stranger I'd feel less ambivalent but here, I guess I'm really not quite sure.

A break could work, at least. I just hope I'm doing it right.

You know, even if someone has feelings for someone else, the way to move forward with that is to start a conversation with them, not to try and initiate physical contact out of the blue. I get that expressing feelings can be tough but it's on an individual to figure out how to do that on their own, and what you describe really doesn't sound, to me, like an attempt at communication but an attempt to bypass communication altogether. And no matter what his feelings or intentions were, how you feel right now absolutely matters.

Since you say you're feeling pretty confused right now, it does sound like taking a break from him might help. There's no official "doing it right" here - just what feels like it could be right for you.