Is there a connection?

[capablehippie]

Well you probably don't know the answer to this, but I guess I just wanted to write about it because it's weirding me out a little, and I don't want to talk to anyone else. So, I often picture men peeing or peeing with my boyfriend when I masturbate. It's not something I pictured until about last June or July, when I started masturbating more and looking at pictures and videos while I masturbate (some of peeing), and about a month after that I came for the first time. Before that I remember having the urge to pee on my hand once (age 16?), and before that I remember peeing outside through my jeans once (age 11?) and that same year (fifth grade) I would sometimes use the cap from the shower gel and pee into it and pretend it was a penis. I figured that these things all sort of led up to it being a turn on, but there's one piece that I didn't forget or anything, but I just never considered it until now. When I was maybe 3 I saw my dad peeing (I don't remember much, I think the bathroom door was either open a crack on accident or I just decided to open it, and I went in). I remember him looking uncomfortable that I was there and his penis (which was what I based my idea of what it must look like, combined with my friend's from when I was four (I was invited to a "pooping party"?), and having seen pictures of peninses since then, the in my head picture wasn't very accurate, so I probably don't really remember it that accurately anyway). It wasn't traumatizing or anything like that, if that's what you thought I was getting at. It's just a little uncomfortable and I try not to think about it because I don't want to know what his looks like. Anyway, I hadn't considered until a couple days ago that could have led to my thing for pee. Do you think that's possible? Suddenly, that makes it so much weirder.

[Jacob]

Hi capablehippie!

I think many of us can find that our kinks might relate to childhood experiences... or even connected things that weren't cool or pleasant when they happened or in retrospect. I can totally get where your discomfort comes from, I can probably pick a few examples for myself.

I think what is important is that your fantasies are yours, and you get to have them regardless of what might have influenced them. I think also we can end up being far more self-critical if our sexual quirks are something we know is not mainstream. However both good and bad childhood experiences and our relationships with our caregivers can all have an influence on our sexuality and medeocre things that we don't question as much as our kinks.

I also think sometimes fantasies are a bit like dreams... they can relate to our experiences... but there is a lot of interpretation that happens and they're super complex, so we might never know what any of it means!

It sounds like the real reason you enjoy peeing fantasies is that you are into it now as part of your self pleasure repertoire! What you are really enjoying is your own imagination. It's less about where it comes from, or what it means. And more how it makes you feel.

Have you read much about other people's sexual fantasies? I have found that to be a really powerful way to accept my own sexuality, as well as really interesting.

[capablehippie]

Hi Jacob!

Yeah, definitely not mainstream... I remember wondering if I could tell one of my best friends about what I did in fifth grade and deciding not to. That was probably one of the best social decisions I've ever made... What you seem to be saying is that there might be a connection, but there's nothing wrong with that if there is? That makes sense, that makes me feel better about it, thank you. No, I haven't read much about other people's sexual fantasies, that does sound interesting though, maybe I'll try to learn about it. I don't know exactly where I would read about those, but I'll just try looking it up.

Thank you for your quick reply and helpful explanations.

[Sam W]

Hi Capablehippe,

I do think that's what Jacob is getting at. The truth about fetishes and fantasies is that there's not a consensus on where they come from. It could be a mix of things from childhood, things we learned from a certain partner, or things that just seemed to be in our brain as a preference. And you're 100% correct that regardless of where this originated from for you, it's an okay thing to have.

[Jacob]

Yep exactly!