Wife's friend thinks my wife is married to a gay man(ME!)

[mkeegers]

Hello everyone, I need some advice. I have been confused about my sexuality for quite some time. When the feelings and sexual fantasies first started, I would seek out advice from my and my wifes female friends because I was uncertain how to explain things to my wife. I would explain things to these female friends, and seek feedback on my situation.
A few months ago, my wife and I finally had a long talk..which went well..after she found out from her sister that I had been speaking with other people about it.
Anyways, long story short..I attempted to communicate with one of her college friends and apologize for making things akward by asking her advice on the topic. She didnt appreciate that, and called my wife and told her what we spoke about, and how she is worried about my wife, and that shes married to a gay man(for the record, I like women in every way, and men just sexually)
This girl was in our wedding, and we are no longer friends. How do i handle this?!

[Karyn]

I'm glad you managed to sit down and talk about this with your wife and that she's been understanding.

With this friend, could you explain a bit more what exactly the issue is? Is this woman no longer friends with you, or with your wife? Is she continuing to do or say things you don't feel comfortable with?

[mkeegers]

This girl was close friends with both of us. In our wedding. She is still friends with my wife, but no longer friends with me. She has since de-friended me from Facebook. She has not continued to say anything however. It is just very bothering to me because we were such close friends.

[Ruth]

I'm very sorry to hear that you and her are no longer friends, and that she was so unhelpful and misunderstanding of you. Would you like to talk to us about re-opening this friendship, or would you rather have help on moving on from it?

[mkeegers]

Well, after seeing her true colors..id rather just move on..but also some clarification on my sexual orientation would be helpful too.

[Ruth]

Okay, well the great thing about sexual identity is that it's entirely down to you. For instance, a lot of people divide between romantic and sexual orientation - so if you describe yourself as feeling for women in 'every way', but men only sexually, you might choose to identify as a heteroromantic bisexual (romantically attracted to women, sexually attracted to multiple genders). Or you might identify as just bisexual, or pansexual - do you have any pre-existing ideas about your identity that you'd like to clarify?

[mkeegers]

Well, i always have thought I was straight..but after high school..i started fantasizing about sex acts with men. Like, not having a boyfriend, or a relationship..but oral and anal sex. Some days a mans penis turns me on alot, and i am like yea..im bi..other days i get weirded out by it..and im like, i am straight. it is so confusing!

[Ruth]

That's understandable. It's perfectly natural for sexual feelings to wane like that - particularly when you're still questioning your orientation. I think the most important thing is to experience attraction freely first, and try to find labels for it afterwards. It's a lot easier to feel your feelings than to name them, if that makes sense?

[mkeegers]

Kind of. Can you elaborate? I don't have the opportunity to experiment because i am married.

[Ruth]

Well, if you find a man that you find attractive (in real life, or a celebrity, or in porn), it's a lot easier to be like "well, I find that man attractive" than to be like "does this mean I'm bisexual?" By all means, exploring your sexual identity is a valid thing to do, and a lot of people find comfort in finding the label that they feel fits them best, but sometimes it's just best to have a grip on what you do and do not feel before you assign a name to it. Was that clearer?

[mkeegers]

Yea, somewhat! Lol. I can tell you are way smarter than I am. Yea, in porn..when a guy is very well endowed..I frequently fantasize about being the girl whos going down on him. Sorry if that was TMI.

[Ruth]

If there's anything you're specifically not understanding, let me know and I'll do my best to explain it better. Do you think there are any labels or identities that you feel particularly drawn to, or are you happier just accepting your fantasies right now?

[Heather]

It might be helpful to exclude porn for now, since your orientation is about real life, not fantasy. Porn is constructed fantasy.

In real life, have you found yourself feeling emotional and/or sexual attraction towards men, women, both or pretty much any gender (or finding gender pretty irrelevant in your attractions)?

Too, I want to be sure we do not get stuck in a feedback loop here, in terms of just having the same conversations we have with you in the past, on the old boards, again and again. If I recall, we have advised before that you visit an LGBT-friendly therapist for help with this as this has been an ongoing issue and concern for you for a long time now. Were you ever able to look into that kind of help? If not, are you open to trying that now?