Scarleteen

Hi,
I'm 24 and until I was 21 I was in denial about my sexuality and I didn't date because of that. I come from a very conservative Christian family so being into women was out of the question but at the same time I never felt attracted to men so I rejected all who made moves on me. Also, I had trouble connecting to people my age because I had to grow up extremely fast due to bad family conditions that 13 year old me was the only one trying to resolve and to that tied emotional abuse. Eventually, I realised I was into women and tried to get onto the dating ground but since I have little to no flirting experience, it's not really working. I had two relationships that lasted a month both and neither of them was fulfilling.

The only girl I had a crush on rejected me for a guy and now I feel like I will never find anyone. Being a serious and logical person (I'm trying to work on that) is not helping either because apparently, I'm "too serious and unemotional for a woman". I don't want to be different just to find a special someone, yet I'm not sure if it even is possible. I tried everything I could like online dating, personal circle, I even started an LGBT university club. But nothing really works and I think the problem might be me but no one is able to tell me what I'm doing wrong and what else I should do. At this point I just feel lost and unsure what to do. People keep telling me that it simply happens which I consider bullshit because relationship is basically an agreement between two people, it's not something I just wake up into.

Whenever I want to flirt with girls, I just feel like I would bother them and they're not interested in talking to me or they are straight and wouldn't date me anyway. I don't know what to do anymore but I hate being alone while everyone around me is taken.

Hi Rin!

Welcome to Scarleteen! I'm so sorry you've been having such a crap time and that people around you have been so unsupportive.

I would say that you're not doing anything wrong per se. Whoever said the thing about being "too serious and unemotional for a woman" is not someone I approve of. That is so dismissive, sexist and rude.

I'm so glad you've come here because it's important to find people who respect you for who you are, and there are lots of lovely people here. Do you have people in your life who do make you feel better about yourself?

I would say that putting focus on friendships can be a really solid way to have the kind of support system which makes dating easier, and also help with much of the loneliness you are feeling. Friends can also make pretty great partners in the right circumstances.

I would also take issue with "everyone is taken". People are often forming or ending relationships but also many many people are single or havent started dating yet, and they are out there.

Thank you for your reply, Jacob. Most of the people who support me keep telling me that I should find a relationship as if I could just buy it off of Ebay or something. Obviously, that's not helping. It just feels frustrating that there are people who just appear somewhere and everyone falls for them immediately without them even trying while I do everything I can and still nothing. I just don't really see the point in trying anymore. It feels like the whole universe is fighting against my happiness.

Oh goodness, that is a really obnoxious thing for people to keep telling you. While someone could, in theory, "go shopping" for a date on something like a dating website, even that wouldn't automatically result in a partner. The truth is that people run into partners in all sorts of ways, so there's no one way to go about the process.

When you say it feels like other people have people fall for them with very little effort, is that something you've seen in your interactions with people?

Building off of what Jacob mentioned, working on building friendships and social connections sounds like it would really help you right now. Do you have places where you can do that?

Sam W wrote:When you say it feels like other people have people fall for them with very little effort, is that something you've seen in your interactions with people?

Yes. There are plenty of people I know who have others fall for them easily. They usually disagree and find it uncomfortable but they have a different person almost every week asking them out or trying to make out with them at a party. A lot of people around me seem to be like this or maybe I'm just noticing them more because it bothers me.

Sam W wrote:Building off of what Jacob mentioned, working on building friendships and social connections sounds like it would really help you right now. Do you have places where you can do that?

This is a good idea. Social connections in general are tough for me because of social anxiety (which is much much better than it used to be) and general lack of experience with them. Seriously, I started being socially active when I was 21. Maybe I just have too high expectations of myself and compare myself with people who are somewhere else socially than me. Anyway, I'm moving soon and planning to be even more active in my new area of residence so hopefully that works out. But I just can't shake the feeling that it's completely pointless, I will die alone anyway and it will be just a waste of time.

Hello there, Rin. I hope you don't mind I chime in with my two cents.

Changes can be sometimes very positive, you know? I understand it can feel frustrating and hopeless at some point but I would ask you to not give up. Also, I do want to echo what Jacob and Sam said here, focusing in developing strong friendships can be a very good start. Is moving to this other place something that makes you excited, other than meeting new people?

If you're scared shitless of being a "forever alone", the answer to that topic title is "yes". If you aren't fixated on other people and their relationships with you, no. I'm still a teenager and I'm totally straight, but I've started a very similar discussion here. I know it may seem like just about every single person in the world is 100% straight. I'm not sure if this is a factor for your problems, but I believe it's always important to know that our likelihood and/or worthiness of relationships and dating doesn't have anything to do with being straight or gay/lesbian, but it's about how compatible we are with people. Homosexuals don't have very different dating circumstances than heteroes. I just follow my interests and get to know lots of people and I'll have an awesome girlfriend one day, and so will you if you take my advice. It may be a long, unpredictable time until then, but you need to have faith in every situation, every day, every moment of your life.

Hi, Rin,

I don't know a lot about dating, either, but I do know that if you're looking for a group of really accepting people where a large portion are more likely to be LGBQTIA+, try arts/theatre groups. Theatre is where I really managed to begin to figure out my identity, and it's where I finished figuring it out as well (so far, at least. It's a process). Maybe see if either your university or wherever you move has a theatre company where you can volunteer to do tech work, or if you have makeup/hair/etc skills maybe you could help in theatre or student films (I know more about theatre than other areas of the arts, but they tend to be more accepting and have a lot more LGBQTIA+ people, in my experience).

Also, someone once told me that once someone is happy with themself, relationships come more easily, and I found this to be true. Sometimes, I've had to take a step back and find my own self-value before talking to someone who I desperately wanted to be friends with, and it worked. The most important thing in any pursuit is to love yourself.

Best wishes! I'm sending good thoughts your way.