Safe Space

[DulceDiva]

I don't feel like I have a safe place to express my sexuality( not orientation). If my mother caught me reading erotica or looking at erotic images it would be a problem. I'm on bc which was prescribed for my health and she says it's my choice. I have my on computer & room with a lock. If I had my door locked she'd question me about it. My door is usually closed but unlocked. She never announces herself before entering. The other day my bathroom was out of soap & I went to her closet to get some. She accuses me of stockpiling soap. Then goes rifling through my drawers looking for soap that I just told her I don't have. Then says I can look through what I want. So confusing. So she thinks I'm mature enough to have sex but erotic lit /images would be a problem. I have time to explore my sexuality before anyone gets home & late @ night.

[Sam W]

Hi DulceDiva,

That does sound really frustrating. So, what would be helpful to you: working out some ways for you to create a safe space to explore your sexuality in and/or ways to talk to your mom about allowing your more privacy? Or something else?

[DulceDiva]

Both would be helpful. Whatever I can do to fix the issue.

[Eggnog Dog]

Perhaps there's some way to talk to your mother about your privacy? I sometimes feel that parents do not want to accept or think about the fact that their children have sexualities (then again, I don't want to think about theirs, either). You mentioned you only have time before everyone gets home and late at night. Is that a lot of time or no? For me, when we only had a computer in the dining room, I used to read and look up all kinds of stuff after my parents went to bed. It was very educational So yeah, I mean I guess the only thing you can do is ask your mom for some space or just save your explorations for alone/night time. Though I do know it's pretty frustrating being unable to openly talk about or express your sexuality ...

[DulceDiva]

The time I have alone/at night is decent I suppose. I feel like it would be easier to just use that time rather than talk to her about privacy. But the thing is I would feel rushed on some days. Some days are bad like wed,tue, some fridays because my siblings are home early & they are loud & might come into my room without knocking. Mon , thurs , late a night on these & the other days are ok. My mother never checks my computer or phone but when I was younger & didn't have my own she caught me reading erotica & made it so I had to use the computer in front of her & she had to put in an administrator password when I wanted to go to a site. Erotica/porn is not a problem as long as you explain that is not an accurate representation of everyone's sex life.

[marianthe]

Hi DulceDiva,

Sounds like you have some good windows of time to explore your sexuality, but if you think your mom just has a gut negative reaction to erotica but would be open to understanding how you see it as healthy and important (and understand that it isn't always an accurate reflection of real sex) then it could be good to have a conversation with her. And you could definitely also broach the subject of needing more privacy in general- she might just not realize that you feel like she is invading your space now that you are older.

[DulceDiva]

Saving my explorations for certain times is so much easier than talking to her I think. I don't think she hates it in general bc she has a vibrator ( I know this because I was looking the safe for my SS card an discovered that ewww) . So it's not like she's a puritan, maybe she heard / read about how it can be damaging for young people & hasn't heard / read about the other povs

[Onionpie]

Hi DulceDiva, I hope it's okay if I just give my two cents here. I am not meaning to be harsh here, so let me know if I overstep at all. It sounds like you are having your privacy breached a lot, and perhaps are returning that dynamic a bit as well in the way you search your mother's closet for soap. It's really important that in our close relationships, everyone feels that they have their own private space that will not be invaded by the other person, and that the other person will respect those private spaces. The fact that your mother considers it suspicious for you to have your door closed and locked -- ie. wanting utter privacy -- and that she feels she can rifle through your drawers without your permission, is a pretty big indicator that you are not being given privacy, and your boundaries are not being respected.

Since you also say you go through her closet to look for soap, it sounds like this violation of people's privacy might be something you've learned as well. I think we at first learn our boundaries from our first and most important relationships, which is usually the relationship with our parents/parental figures. It's thus really important that we try to make those relationships as healthy as possible, so we can model our other relationships on that. The relationship with our parents teach us how to be a part of a relationship, and how to navigate a relationship, so when there are issues in the relationship with our parents, it really is pretty important to address. Because that relationship is basically like "practise" or like the blue-print for our other relationships as well. And of course, we want those relationships to be healthy in and of themselves so that we can always feel that those relationships are safe and beneficial for all involved.

You said that just avoiding having this conversation with your mother would be a lot easier. That could definitely be true for the short-term. But the easier option is not always the right option. Because this issue of privacy goes beyond just your sexuality, I think it really is important that you talk to her about this, no matter how hard it is. The fact is, boundaries are being ignored in a pretty big way in this relationship from what you've described here, and those things will continue to happen if they are not addressed. Thus the relationship between you and your mother will not be able to flourish so well, because neither of you can totally trust that the other person is going to respect your own private space. It's incredibly important to address issues like boundary-crossing or privacy-invasion in any relationship, especially one that is such a huge part of your life, because if you do not address it then the issue will never be resolved and may grow bigger, or you may just grow to not feel so safe and respected. You're already voicing feelings of violation, which means this boundary-crossing has already had a negative effect on how you feel about the relationship with your mother. That feeling isn't going to change if you never address this issue with her, because it will never go away on its own.

Sometimes, it really is the hard things that are the MOST important things to do. Learning when we really need to do something, or say something, despite how difficult it may seem, is a big part of learning to create healthy relationships, and also just a big part of learning to go through life. So, I would really like to urge you to think about the big picture here in that there seem like there may be some pretty big privacy-invasion issues between you and your mother. You don't even have to make the conversation specifically about your wanting to explore your sexuality, as that's only a part of the whole issue here. If you feel like you really have no idea how to go about talking to her about this, or how to set up some boundaries in the relationship and reinforce them, we can absolutely help you out with that. But I really do suggest that not talking to her about this just because it's easier, might not be the best route. Do you feel like your mother would be open to a conversation about boundaries and privacy?

[DulceDiva]

If i said Mom I need more privacy ,I think she would ask why. I don't get in trouble @ school & I'm home about 24/7.

[Emma]

DulceDiva, I think that since you've mentioned that your mother doesn't seem to have a problem with sexuality, per se (i.e. vibrator, birth control), you should tell her that her monitoring of your usage of the internet makes you uncomfortable. Ask her why she's suspicious/wary of letting you have that private space, and where she's heard that porn/erotica has a "negative effect" on developing minds--you seem to have a very healthy view of the images presented in pornography, as you said "Erotica/porn is not a problem as long as you explain that is not an accurate representation of everyone's sex life." Explain to her that you are aware of that and you feel what you look up on your computer/do in your room should be less regulated by her.

[DulceDiva]

She doesn't monitor my computer use now .