Scarleteen

My boyfriend and I have been sexually active for a while now and recently he has confessed that he has never felt pleasure when having sex. Naturally, this was very devastating to me because he is my first but I'm wasn't his, I thought it was something I wasn't doing right. He says it's because he's circumcised and lacks sensitivity and has reassured me countless of times; Our relationship is not sex-centered but we both value it as important to us. We have tried different positions, lubes, tips and tricks online; the next step is trying without a condom, I'm trying to get birth control but it doesn't look good. Even though he doesn't get the same sensation that I do, we continue to have sex because he says gets off if he sees that I'm feeling good but that makes me feel like I'm using him since ill know that he's not getting anything out of it. I'm very scared, I feel like this will lead to us not having sex anymore which will to us being angry and frustrated all the time, and it will ultimately ruin us. Our relationship has been pretty happy and amazing so far, I don't want this to be the end.

Let me first check in with you about what he means when he says "sex." Is he talking about EVERY way to have sex (to be actively sexual)? Or only with a partner? Or only ways that involve his penis? Or only intercourse? Or....?

Hi. thanks for replying. Yes he means he doesn't feel anything during intercourse ( when he's inside) and when I give him oral. He describes it as a numb feeling and when he gets off, he never feels it building and often catches him by surprise.

Okay, two more questions then: can you give me a picture of some of the ways you two are sexual together that he DOES enjoy? And that you do, as well? Or ways of being sexual he's experienced pleasure from with previous partners?

That can include, by the way, activities he enjoys for reasons other than it stimulates his penis, or involves his penis at all. After all, the reasons any of us enjoy a given sexual activity with a partner (or even ourselves alone!), and experience pleasure from it, is usually much bigger than that it stimulating one part of our bodies in a way we like.

Also, is HE concerned or troubled by this, for himself (not just because you are)? In other words, is he worried like you are that possibly having a couple ways of being sexual together that don't stimulate his genitals in a way he enjoys is a problem? That it, in and of itself, might ruin your relationship? That that means something is wrong, even, rather than it just being pretty common for people to have at least a couple sexual activities that just aren't all-that for them, or that they enjoy for reasons other than their own genital stimulation?

Yes, he has told me that when I give him oral and I take it back into my throat, it feels much better. The only problem with that is he needs me to keep doing that but much faster, but this would cause me to choke. He has said that with previous partners and with me, he has no trouble getting erect, once he's inside, there's no feeling. When that happens, he loses his erection and gets very frustrated. Yes, he is just as concerned as I am. It is very easy to get him erect, but getting erect and not being able to get the release he craves causes pain. He can cum if he sees and hears that he's pleasuring me, but doesn't feel any pleasure himself.

Okay. There's a lot to dig into here between these three posts, so I'm going to just start with a couple things and we can take it from there.

When I asked about pleasure and what you two do sexually you both enjoy, you told me about a way to engage in receptive oral sex for him, and then about what he does NOT feel pleasure from with intercourse. There is a world of other ways to be sexual I don't see any of listed here from you, including some things it's possible you both enjoy, like say, maybe you both enjoy manual sex or mutual masturbation. Maybe you both enjoy long makeout sessions that stay above the waist. There are so many ways to be sexual -- so many things that are, in other words, sex -- and fellatio and penis-vagina intercourse are but two.

Have you ever each thought about, and talked about, the range of ways to be sexual you each enjoy, as well as enjoy together? If not, I think it's vital you do, and I'd say that even to someone not reporting any problems or concerns like you are. One easy way to do that together and get a good start is by each filling out one of these: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _stocklist. Then you can share each of yours together, see where you have overlaps, and get talking more about all of what you both DO like instead of being so focused on what one or both of you doesn't like. All this focus on what doesn't feel like it's working and all this struggle to try and make things work that just aren't strikes me as more likely to create trouble in your relationship that focusing on what IS good, what IS enjoyable, and what isn't a struggle.

Another big thing that is leaping out of me is that it feels like the way you conceptualize both pleasure and sex is limited. For example, getting off because we are enjoying how our partners feel IS someone experiencing pleasure (unless that person says they don't actually enjoy any of that, emotionally or physically, but their body just happens to ejaculate from it). That's not "no pleasure." That's a person finding pleasure, probably both emotionally and physically, in that activity with a big emphasis on what their partner is experiencing.

Please is not only about way more than sex -- we can experience it in so many ways in life -- but in sex, "pleasure" isn't just about genital sensation. If it was, honestly, not only would we probably never want sexual partners in the first place, since through masturbation, we can usually become better experts at that than a partner ever can, we'd even likely get bored with that pretty fast. Physical pleasure can come from all the parts of our bodies and our interactions with our partners' bodies. It can also be, and usually also is, emotional, psychological and intellectual. Sometimes people even describe it as spiritual. And we can also experience sexual pleasure that isn't self-focused or about our own genitals.

For example, someone who is engaged in cunnilingus where it is their mouth (and probably hands, too) and their partner's vulva, and who WANTS to be doing that is likely experiencing a bunch of different kinds of pleasure. The lips and tongue have about as many sensory nerve endings as the genitals (fingertips, too), so they are likely enjoying those physical feelings. They may be enjoying the smell and sounds involved. They may be enjoying bringing their partner that pleasure and sensation. They may find pleasure in things NOT being super-about them, for that matter. See what I mean? Maybe you can even think of this with things you do with your partner that aren't about your genitals, or are, but aren't just about genital sensation.

I wonder if you two have ever talked about just sticking to ways of being sexual together that DO work for both of you, and that you both DO enjoy? It sounds like you both are trying very hard to make things work that don't sound like things at least one of you isn't enjoying, and I'm not sure I understand why you're doing that instead of going with and exploring what DOES feel good to everyone involved. What do you think about that?

Thanks for replying. I see what you're saying, that my pleasure is his pleasure and vice versa. Sex is very talked about topic with us and we always communicate our likes & dislikes to each other and can see how us focusing on the negative is causing unnecessary strife between us and I'll talk about this with him. Yes there are positions and fetishes that turn us on that have become go-to for our sessions, but my concern is what if one day he gets bored of the usual and we want to experiment. I don't want our sex life to become drab.

I think it might help to not just approach this as "let's not focus on the negative so much" but to really center your sexual & intimate experiences on what you both find enjoyable and pleasurable as Heather said above. Did you take a look at that checklist that she linked to? What do you think about trying to fill that out with your partner, to see where things overlap for you? If intercourse is causing more frustration than enjoyment for both of you right now, I think it makes sense to take a break from it and focus on finding things that are mutually pleasurable and enjoyable.

In terms of sex becoming "drab" or "boring," I think that's going to be less likely to happen in situations where partners are having ongoing conversations about sex and intimacy. For sure, people's tastes or desires can change over time, or they might be interested in exploring new things at some point, but something like boredom can be directly related to people settling into a routine where sex becomes rote, or making assumptions about what the other person wants without talking about it. If you're both active participants in talking about your sexual life then making small changes & exploring together will feel more natural, with less of a chance of stagnation.

Thanks for replying, Mo.Yes I reviewed the checklist listed and saw that its very detailed do maybe we will realize or come to terms with something new in the midst of completing it.

If you think the checklist is something that might be helpful, maybe you and your partner could sit down and do it together, and then if that sparks anything else that you want to talk about here, we can do that?

Yes, that sounds good. Thanks so much for all you guys' help !