im lost

[ali m.e]

hi , im ali i think im homosexual , and i do really need to have advice pleas , because im really tired of my situation ...
at a really long term of my life i was over wighted kid , and that made it really hard to get friends or being involve with people especially boys of my age .
at collage i had a roommate whom i really love of all my heart , i was suffering for three years , im from Islamic country and its not really ok to get open to public with this subjects , God helped me in so many hard times and i cant denies it , i was only opened to my parents whom didnt really get it that its not my choice , and they say its always my choice , they do love me and care about me but i can ony always agreeing to what they say to end the talk .
for all three years i was really in bad situation in order that my heart wants a thing really bad and my brain that dont wants to be a saner .
last year i did a move , i told the man that i do love him < i told him that im not asking any thing but to accept my feelings , as a brother or a friend or any thing he wants , and he accepted it with open heart , and advised me to be careful , he was always sweet but really mystical , i always wanted him to tell me about why there is always sadness in his eyes (or its just me to think so) , i wanted to be his saver . ilove him .
these year earlier suddenly he mailed me , he asked me if i really love him , i beged him to not open the object because i dont want him to think bad of me , but he incensed and asked me what would happen in the end , i answered him nothing , at that point he asked me for sex , i accepted with alot of fear , i went and we did it , i told my self that i did it because i do love him to not feel guilt , then he disappeared for long time , i texted him and asked him what about what we did , he told me that he dont want to talk a bout it again and to keep save , i hated him so much ,then i forgive him a while after within my self , that it is my journey and my experiences i must have , suddenly he appeared again and asked me again to have sex , and i agreed but this time with less love in my heart , especially that he is in love with a girl for three years together in a relationship , i asked him if u love her why would you do this , he told me that we cant be together in this community , its just for fun , and i agreed it again because i love him or sexually wants the chance to have sex with him , i dont know why i love him , i saw him today and he was kind waving to me , i ignored him , then i messaged him with apologist that i was busy , he answered kindly that its ok but to take care .... in the end i know he dont love me , and its ok , it was my mistake to accept the sex twice .... i dont know if i will deny it next time ( i now im a sex tool in this point ) and i hate it , but im always kind to everyone , cant i be kind to myself for once ??!
i really wish for help , and very grateful ^__^

[Heather]

Welcome to our boards, ali.

I'm so sorry that this has been so hard for you. It's challenging enough to be gay in the world, let alone in places and communities where it is completely not accepted and also not understood. On top of that, having such strong feelings for someone where you'll basically accept whatever they offer you, even when you know it's not really what you want, and involves you being treated poorly is so rough. I imagine you must be feeling pretty lonely right now, as well as, just as you say, terribly lost.

So, where would you like to start with this? There are obviously a few issues to grapple with: what to do regarding this relationship, what you can do where you live to try and find some kind of acceptance and support, or at least some good resources for LGBTQ people who share your cultural background, and then how you're feeling about yourself, including how you're feeling about the choices you made with this man you are in love with.

You just let me know, and I'd be glad to get started working with you on any or all of this.

[ali m.e]

Dear Hether
you cant imagine how much im happy with this replay , i appreciate it ..thnx a lot and happy new year <3
as you said its lot of issues to grapple , i dont really know where to start , but a voice inside me want to end the suffer with this man i talked about , but i was really excited about what u said about the LGBTQ people even that i doubt that there is any of there groups here in syria ... any help can be use full , and im very grateful ...
thnx again

[Sam W]

Hi Ali,

It sounds like there are a few ways we can help out then When you say you want to end the suffer with the man you're seeing, do you mean you want help ending that relationship? Or something else?

As far as LGBT resources go, one way to find a community of LGBT people who share your cultural background is to use the website Tumblr (if that's something you have access to). There is an increasing number of informal support networks on there for people who are both LGBT and live in the Middle East.