College? Break Up? Hormones? What?

[Tahuna]

Hi there.

Let's see. I've been in a relationship for the past nine months. Seven of those we were long distance - I moved to his "home town" a few months ago, but am back in Ireland again for the moment. My issues are fairly difficult to formulate, but I'll do my best.

Throughout this time, we have consistently had communication problems. I doubt that they are any worse than could be expected from two emotionally slightly retired people giving their best sometimes and failing at that at other times. LDR opens a window for more direct communication of abstract thoughts but can leave a feeling of emotional intimacy by the wayside. Long story short, after getting over myself to manage to trust him and allow myself to love the guy, I'm now experiencing what I've read of as "attachment panic", in the form of anxiety. When I was staying at his the past two months I would count myself lucky if I didn't cry myself to sleep (quite the feat when someone is lying half a metre away) for two nights in a row. Basically, I became quite depressed. I didn't truly believe he cared for me, cared how I felt or what impact he had on that (funnily I do believe that he loves me). I felt that his family must hate me and projected my disgust for myself onto interpretations of his actions. I became socially quite agonised (though I don't suppose too much more than I already was). What terrified me the most was how close to the surface my tears, anger and frustration contantly were. I seriously even once nearly started crying during sex - for no reason I can point out. He on the other hand must have been aware of my turmoil but was somehow paralysed by his reluctance to deal with emotional matters or breach a boundary. I mean, when it had all festered for long enough that I'd get really pissed off at him we might talk, but there was always the feeling that we were putting plasters on lost limbs (or something).

Now that I've regained some of my independence in distance, I'm wondering whether it is all worth it. We have a truly liberating relationship when we manage to communicate, but I feel like he won't realise that essential necessity until he's faced with the reality of the alternative. I don't even know if I'm emotionally capable to be in a relationship right now or if the learning experience is merely overwhelming me. I want to figure it out because I don't believe that this is something elementarily wrong between us. I think it's just another lesson we have to learn about being with another person.

My question boils down to something quite different, though. As I hinted, independence is very important for me. It could be that I'm offered a university place in an awesome place next year, and I don't know if I could stand another LDR. Is there hope that we could overcome this pain that I develop and my fear of loss? I don't want to throw this away just because I'm afraid of being the victim. But am I sacrificing myself here? I'm pretty sure this is a ridiculous question, but I couldn't think of an alternative to this page. Please help me. And thank you for doing a wonderful, necessary, important job. <3

[marianthe]

Hi Tahuna-

I'm gonna give you my initial thoughts, but I'm sure others will have some as well.

You say that independence is very important to you- and I hear that strongly throughout your post. And I think that often, when we are young and haven't yet had a chance to really get to know and feel confident in ourselves alone, we can develop some pretty emotionally unhealthy attachments in intimate relationships, where that level of trust and vulnerability and dependency on another person can trigger all sorts of intense feelings we haven't had to deal with before- and it sounds like some version of this is what you are struggling with. It is a lot of new emotional territory and new responsibility and as you said, all that learning curve can be totally overwhelming.

All of this considered, and I would think that putting yourself through more long-distance stuff if you do go to university could impede your ability to take full advantage of your new opportunities and really develop a strong sense of self and that independence you are seeking, so that maybe at some later date you could experience the healthy interdependence of a relationship w/o this kind of emotional stress. I'm not sure of all that was going on to create the "attachment panic" you talk about- but it seems quite possible that all those months of long distance did not give you a very sturdy foundation when you are both young and new to all of this. That doesn't mean you have to write this person off, or leave things on bad terms- and if you end things for a time and spend time apart growing and evolving and then are in the same place again and come back together, you will be so much better for it.

In my experience, relationships and people that are really worth in your life having don't disappear just because you decide to part ways for some time to follow your own path, even if that means you aren't romantically involved again, the care and friendship won't go away. But romantic and friendship potential can completely dissolve if you continue to try to have a relationship that is only creating stress and strain.

[Tahuna]

Hey, thank you. I suppose the guideline I've been following throughout has been that we should be together until it's no longer good for either one of us. But in that I failed to acknowledge that even after a romantic relationship has ended, a mutually beneficial friendship can remain. I suppose things will develop and I'll be better off, regardless of how it turns out in the end.