Scarleteen

Hi.

Figured that I'd post this here because I need some advice. There was someone that I just met at a party who seems to have developed feelings for me. (Keep in mind, we haven't known each other at all, and he said that he developed feelings for me.) It all sounds silly, but I told him that no, I'm not interested in a relationship and he still seemed okay with it, but at the same time, he was treating me like we were still in a relationship or something. I remember there was one boy back in 2013 who had feelings for me, I didn't have them back so I had no way how to tell him, and I just don't want another situation like that to happen again only with the guy I'm mentioning now. I'm not good with boundaries and saying "no", and I could definitely use some help.

What do I do?

And apologies if this makes zero sense; it's pretty late where I am.

Hi Ladyrevan,

First off, high five for being explicit about your feelings with this guy. That can be surprisingly tricky to do. When you say you feel like he's treating you as though you were in a relationship, can you tell me more about what that looks like?

Thank you, Sam W. It was definitely very hard, so I'm glad I did it.

Well, he was basically pressuring me to say that I loved him and would be his girlfriend and all when I didn't feel the same way, for starters. And making these love declarations like "I would jump in front of a bullet for you" (which I just thought was very strange to say to someone he just met). And calling me "my dearest" and such when it made me feel really uncomfortable. (To name a few) I tried telling him again and again that I wasn't ready, but he just wasn't really up for listening.

I showed it to a coach of mine and she agreed that I should end all contact with him (which I did) because he was being so persistent. It was hard doing so, but I felt it was the best way.

I just don't know why I attract the guys that come on strong. I mean, ever since middle school some guys have just come on too strong when I'm not ready. Is there any way that I can practice setting boundaries? My coach and I went over a few techniques, but I could definitely use some additional help. And maybe I just wonder why I attract the guys who come on strong. Like I can't attract the right person and there's just a blinking neon sign on my head that attracts the wrong people.

If that makes any sense, of course.

I want to add something that's going to sound obvious, because it is, but I think it can always stand saying all the time.

When we're not good at something, the way we improve is by practice. And we get practice by seeking out or being provided opportunities. It seems to me that what you have here is one of those.

So, this was and still is something where you can get some practice, get a little better at something it's important to get good at (especially if we don't want much of our lives to be misery!), and potentially solve your problem, to boot.

When people don't seem to be able to set boundaries or insist on others holding them, then by all means, people who are bad with boundaries will tend to find them. That's in part because the folks who do say no, and who do broadcast their limits and boundaries very strongly and clearly are people those boundary-pushers don't work with. Get what I mean? Long story short: the better we get at setting, holding and insisting on our own limits and boundaries, most of the time, the less and less we wind up in ongoing interactions with people who don't respect boundaries.

I don't know what your coach suggested, but one thing I would is to counter each of these things bothering you -- whatever the boundary-crossing situation -- with a clear ask. For example, he calls you "my dearest," which you don't like. So, you say, right when he does that, "Could you please not call me that? I don't like it. Please just use my name." If he does it another time, you just repeat that again, not wavering in your line. And this is what you do with every single thing that's crossing one of your lines.

Of course, if someone does a ton of things that cross our lines, our best bet is usually just to get and stay away from them. There are a lot of reasons for that, and that certainly includes that there is really nothing of benefit to anyone in an ongoing relationship of any kind if all that ever goes on is one person crossing lines and the other endlessly calling them out on it!

Lastly, it is one of the big red flags of abuse for someone to come on super-strong like this when we barely know them. So, just for future reference? To play it better safe than sorry, you're just going to want to get away from someone like this from the front.