Scarleteen

Do you sometimes feel like the people you know who are able to set boundaries clearly and stick to them, assert their own needs, and just generally stand up for themselves, are like some kind of superhero and you can't imagine ever being as powerful and confident as them? If you do, fear not, for you are most certainly not alone in this. And today is your lucky day: I shall now present you with your very own guide to becoming a Self-Advocacy Superhero!

Some people are born with superpowers, but most of us have to work to create our own tools that help us become heroes. And in fact, I'll let you in on a little secret: those of us who seem like we must have simply been born with these superpowers? We actually weren't -- we've just learned to master the skills with a lot of trial and error. One thing all superheroes have in common: the will, the belief that they can do good and be better. I believe that we all have it in ourselves to become our own superheroes. For some of us it can take a lot of hard work and practise, but make no mistake about it -- if you put the practise in, you WILL be the very next Batman!

What are we talking about when we say "stand up for yourself"? Standing up for ourselves is an aspect of every day life, and has to happen in every variety of relationship we're involved in. Standing up for ourselves is about setting limits and holding them, to protect ourselves from being hurt or trampled on like an old doormat. Standing up for ourselves is about looking after our own mental well-being, and making sure we get what we need to feel safe and happy in a relationship (any relationship).

Some examples of day-to-day situations in which you must don the Superman cape and stand up for yourself include:

• If you do not want to have a certain kind of sex at that particular moment, or you do not feel ready to take part in a particular kind of sex (or various kinds of sex, or ALL kinds of sex), but your partner would like to do so.
• If your friend, or even a stranger, starts a conversation about a topic that you find very painful, triggering, or uncomfortable to take part in.
• If you know that you want to have an exclusive monogamous relationship with your partner, but they have stated that they would prefer a different relationship model (or vice versa).
• If a friend, partner, co-worker, family member, or stranger touches you in a way that you are not comfortable with (excessive hugging, cheek pinching, tickling, etc).

We All Have Our Own Kryptonite

I'll let you in on another secret of the Superhero trade: even the strongest, most awesome superheroes sometimes falter and find it hard to do what's right for themselves. Every superhero has their weakness(es), but that doesn't stop them from being super, or being heroes. Sometimes, when we grow up in an abusive or dysfunctional household, we never learn how to set boundaries, and we never witness what it means to have our boundaries truly respected. This can understandably lead to standing up for ourselves seeming daunting, confusing, difficult, or even kind of dangerous.

We are also often bombarded by societal messages that tell us that a Monogamous Romantic Relationship is a Very Important kind of relationship to have, and that we should do everything we can to hold onto a relationship like that even if it means ignoring our own needs. Sometimes we can also feel insecure about ourselves, and place our feelings of self-worth on the fact that we have the certain kind of Very Important Relationship, and thus we feel the need to maintain that relationship even when it no longer fits us well. Another message that is often ingrained in us (particularly women) by society is that we must be accommodating and do everything we can to avoid making other people feel uncomfortable or hurt their feelings -- to the point of making ourselves uncomfortable!

Despite all of these big roadblocks that we may have in our lives -- or in our own heads -- that make becoming a superhero seem hard or even impossible, the benefits really do outweigh the risks and the hard stuff in the end.