Scarleteen

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now. I am 23 and she is 24.
As I've come to learn, she was a virgin when we first had sex, which was around 4 months after we began our relationship.

I was very caring and watched over everything she would feel at the time because i already knew that the fist time for a woman can be very painful and not enjoyable at all. The Sex happened very naturally and as we were in love and we only did it when I was sure she was completely prepared.

So as time was passing I noticed that I couldn't get her to climax and I was trying everything from oral to ''fingering'' (not anal).

I've only had one relationship before that lasted around 3 years, in which I managed to get my ex to climax almost every time we had sex, mainly through oral or hand stimulation. Me, not being a virgin like she, mad her very uncomfortable and sad and at a time she was quite a bit depressed but we got over it since I made her see that that part of my life was over and as I could not make time go back, she would need to learn how to deal with this. Eventually she did.

After that the fact that I could not make her to climax began to shadow every time we had sex. I was always trying my best to get her to come and not focusing on her at all. Our sex became bland and we even would not have it for a whole 2 months. We got mad at each other many times because she could't understand how I felt because of not getting her to orgasm. For her, to see me having an orgasm was the only thing she needed but I was very frustrated by all this. I tried to ask her many things during sex like what she was felling and what if I do this and that but she was very vague on her answers telling me almost every time that she wasn't felling anything or that she didn't know what to feel. I told her to try it herself, masturbating, to find out what works for her and then she could guide me more or less but she didn't want to. She only wanted me to try.

I researched a lot in books and on the internet and learned that there are some people that really can't reach it for some health issue but that seems not to be the case because for once or twice I almost made her come. She was very red in the face and was breathing rapidly along with a lot of sweet and moaning (she doesn't moan, at least this loudly). But it always slipped away and she wouldn't alloy me to continue because it was felling uncomfortable.

Recently we had a conversation to try again. I made her see my point, how I felt frustrated because I couldn't get her there and because she wouldn't let me and we agreed to try again but only when she asks me to.

And today we tried. I did oral and then tried to masturbate her. And after a lot of time she was soaking wet down there, hot and sweating and completly red but still nothing.


I really don't know if I'm doing anything wrong and I tried to be as trasparent as I could.
So any advice you got I would like to hear.
(pardon me if i have any grammar or spell errors)

Hi Tunbl3r,

My first piece of advice would be to take orgasm off the table as a goal. Right now, it sounds like it's a source of frustration and pressure for both of you which is, in all likelihood, going to make it harder to achieve (not to mention make sex less pleasant over all). Instead, when you're being sexual together, focus on what things make you both feel pleasure in the moment, regardless of whether or not they're things that could possible lead to orgasm. That means thinking not only about genital stimulation, but also about different ways of touching, kissing, etc. Does that make sense?

If you both decide you'd like to try for an orgasm for her again, a starting place would actually be for her to show you or communicate to you how she masturbates (that's assuming she orgasms from masturbation).

I would also add that you may want to mention that almost EVERYONE, of every gender, first learns to orgasm through masturbation, not via a partner. (Gently mention this to her, mind: it sounds like both of you are pretty emotionally raw around all this at this point.)

Really, orgasm -- and to a large degree, sexual pleasure, even with partners -- isn't something someone else really gives us or can do for us. It's a way our bodies can respond to something, and while it is an involuntary response, it is one that we will generally only learn how to cultivate through our own exploration first, and then with partners. Again, there are certainly exceptions, but they're not very common.

So, I would say this is something she might also just want to think about for herself. Why is she not wanting to try masturbating when it sounds like orgasm is so important to her? Why is her ideal with this only getting there with you? (That's an earnest question, and talking about it might also lead you both to some good stuff, like finding out how she can get some of what she's seeking from that without orgasm and probably even without sex, period.)

It might also be worth considering that she HAS reached orgasm. A lot of people's expectations about what orgasm feels like only tend to be based on what the most intense, obvious, loud orgasm might be like, or what it looks like in films. Many people don't know that often, orgasm -- which only lasts a few seconds, anyway -- is mild, brief, and feels nice, but certainly isn't something we'll be talking about for days on end. Given what you have described here with her responses, it sounds just as likely to be that she has experienced orgasm as that she hasn't.

Alternately, she might have reached the plateau phase but simply did not want to go further: you say she kept feeling uncomfortable with the intensity of things, so it may be she's just stopping everything before she can get there. And that's okay, that's her choice: not everyone does LIKE how it feels to go all the way there, or can need a long time in their lives to get comfortable with that. But if she doesn't want to go past that phase to get to the next, then I do think it's important it's acknowledged that's a choice she is making.

Lastly, I'm a bit concerned about you, honestly, and far more than I am for your partner. This all sounds like a LOT of pressure has been put on you, a lot of pressure to perform, to give results your partner wants with something that is really more about them and their body than you, and a lot of tension, argument and just bleck.

Are you okay? And do you feel able to set limits and voice, to your partner, that the emotional dynamics of all of this are actually pretty awful and involve a lot of sexual pressure put on you (to deliver orgasm for her)?

Ok, first of all let me thank you for your piece of advice.

And second I just want to say that we don't have sex just for the ending. I love to have sex with her, and I feel that she does too. Maybe before we didn't have this on our minds and it came more naturally, but still.

And she doesn't pressure me at all to get her too orgasm. In fact, if I didn't start asking about what she felt during the act, probably she would never have said anything about this matter. In her own words, when we are getting to it, kissing and touching she feels great, but the intercourse itself, it's nothing in terms of physical sensations which was ok because as we know, with some exceptions, most women can't reach orgasm that way.

Something I've noticed is that she gets very uncomfortable and upset when I try to get her to masturbate. She doesn't tell me, but I think she believes that is wrong. To masturbate and to touch ourselves is wrong. And I got a really hard time explaining to her in the past that there was nothing wrong with it. Everyone does it at some point and it is all. But that led to more discussions and I simply stopped asking her to do it. I can't think of and argument now to bring that up again and make her see that it's ok... I feel like in this matter she is very childish and naive.

Lastly what you are saying is that probably she already has reached it. But I do not believe that is true.
I only had two sexual partners in my life and they behaved differently to some degree, but those 3-5 seconds of ecstasy where the same in both. That is equal to every women, am I right? And that I haven't seen on her.

Maybe I'm just trying too hard in this matter and forgetting that sex is not all about the big O's. It's about the process and the act itself. But two years now does seem like a big time to me.

Now I'm not feeling any pressure, but some time ago when we started having our ''sexy times'' that was all that was coming up on my mind. Like ''what if I fail again this time''. Was freaking terrible. But Now it's a lot better.

Again thanks for your help!