Should I disclose that I have not had partnered sex to potential partners

[DarkLady]

Okay if you have read my other posts to this site you know that my lack of a sexual history has been something that has been rather stressful to me at times. From talking to people such as friends, my counselor and people on this board I've gotten a lot more accepting and relaxed about it. There is one thing that does bother me though. Would it be wrong of me not to disclose my sexual history or rather lack their of to potential partners ? I believe in honesty when dealing with people when it comes to relationships.

I am a trans woman so when do go on dates (something I've starting doing recently through a dating app) I already have one thing to disclose already. To get around this I advertise on my profile I am trans. This is both for a matter of safety and so the other person knows about it from square one. Even though I've found a lot of people are open to dating a trans person (especially if they themselves are queer) I've heard from second hand sources some people really do seem scared of virgins. It's like they think that if we have sex and I don't enjoy myself that it will be all their fault and I will never want to have sex again. That they will ruin my sex life for years to come.

I've never had this on a date personally because I have never said anything about it but I've heard of it and read about it on online. This really puts me off having casual sex (which I don't really consider my thing in first place but I've mate one or two people who have almost cause me to change my mind). Would not telling partners be like lying? Isn't it wrong to not tell them the truth? Am I over thinking things a little? Suggestions?

[Mo]

Hi there DarkLady.

I don't think you're necessarily obligated to say that you haven't had sex with a partner before but when you're communicating about sex with someone, it might be tough to talk about things you enjoy (or think you might enjoy) without saying "I haven't done this with a partner before," so purposefully avoiding the subject might make it tougher to communicate clearly and have an ideal experience. You don't have to make a big deal about it if you don't want to, but I do think being honest about your experiences when you're actively discussing sex that's about to happen is going to be a good idea.

I haven't encountered the idea personally, but I have heard of people who are for whatever reason not as interested in people without sexual experience as they are in people who have had sex before. Honestly, though, I think this might be a situation where someone who's really averse to being anyone's first sexual partner might not be a great fit for you in the first place. I obviously can't speak to what these people are thinking, but I wonder if this opinion is coming from a place of thinking about sex as something they "do" to a partner, vs. a collaborative effort that both people are creating and participating in together. If someone's thinking about sex as something they're doing together with a partner, with plenty of communication and navigating consent, I think the idea of being a first partner might feel less intimidating.

[DarkLady]

Hi Mo

I can see what you are getting at. Someone who is so averse to being with me simple because it will be a first for me maybe not suitable to for me in the first place. I suppose part of it really is that old fear of rejection. Yes, if someone does that it means that that they are not someone I should waste my time now but it's still hurtful. Not much I can really do about that though.

When I had my first kiss I hadn't told the other person it was my first kiss-I wasn't planning on it or anything I just ran into this girl I liked at a night club. She did offer me to go home with her but I didn't feel ready yet so I made up an excuse. I also did come close to actually having sex at one point. I was on a trip with my college and mate a guy again at a club. When he asked me what I liked to do I simply told him about things I had done be myself like for example 'I like anal sex' without specifying if it was on my own or with a partner. I probably would have gone home with him except we were both sharing rooms with other people so decided not to.

Now I'm just wondering if it was wrong of me not to be fully honest with him I suppose. I am not saying I need to give a full detailed sexual history to every partner or have them do likewise but I guess think I would prefer to be honest without having it blow up in my face

[Sam W]

Hi Darklady,

In terms of honesty, past sexual experience usually comes up as part of "safety" talks (e.g. do you both need STI tests prior to getting sexy, are there sexual acts that past experience taught you are off the table). But beyond that, you're right that it's okay to not get super detailed.

I think, for now, it might be good to consider this person a one-off in terms of their reaction, and continue sharing what you feel comfortable sharing with future partners or potential partners.

[DarkLady]

Hi Sam W

Thank you. I guess you're right that I will only share what I feel comfortable sharing and if it is an issue of safety.

Also Thank you Mo for your help.