Scarleteen

I started this long discussion on the newbies' forum about my sexual frustration and lack of love and sex. Mo and Karyn talked on that discussion about how you should avoid getting into a relationship with someone when you just plain want a relationship because it's hard to see people as individuals when you approach them like that.

I wonder how a relationship would go if it were rooted like this: Both people involved got into a relationship because they were both on the make for love and sex and they found out the other was "open" for a relationship and really wanted one, so they went for it.

As I've said on my aforementioned discussion, I don't believe in people being "complete" or finding the "other half" in a relationship. It's just the interpersonal areas that matter to me. The relationship I described is probably different than what you might've known of relationships, but as I imagine someone approaching another just for the sake of a relationship without the other initially interested, I see that the relationship I described in the paragraph above is much more mutual because both people want/need the same things. Is this a healthy relationship? Yes or no is fine by me, just justify it please.

Well, this is an interesting question... The relationship you're describing sounds sort of like very general online dating. Like, you both know you want a relationship, but beyond that you might not have that many specifics, or you do, but you aren't invested in a single person who has them. I think it has the potential to be healthy or unhealthy, like all relationships. (Sorry, you seem like a person who likes clear answers, but that's what I think.) Basically, the definition of a healthy relationship is one where the people involved support each other, care about each other, and listen to each other. And an unhealthy one is where one or more of the people involved are not supportive of the other, or are mean and selfish. So, I could see the two people in the relationship you described not being able to form a bond and therefore not being very caring or supportive or listening very well. When people first enter a romantic relationship they experience a period called "limerence" (the word sounds really shimmery and nice, so it's almost and onomatopoeia) and they might think they're in love, but it's really infatuation. That's when they're absolutely crazy about each other and every text makes their heart skip a beat and they get butterflies in their stomach. Stuff like that. If I remember right, it usually lasts for a few months for teenagers and longer for adults. It seems like if the initial attraction was to the idea of a relationship and not a person, that the people would skip limerence and go right to the stage after, which is when the people have to put in effort to make the relationship work, because they no longer see their partner as a sweet angel all the time. Maybe the people you described would have a sort of limerence with their new relationship, not quite like with a person, more like with a new thing, where they want to take care of the relationship really well because they are excited to have it. And the way to take care of the relationship would be to be supportive and a good listener and communicator. And after listening and learning about the person, they might become attached overtime and grow to like each other that way. A good question is, what does love look like to you? Because I don't think it's entirely unconscious, but I don't think you can entirely choose to love someone either.