Scarleteen

Hello Scarleteen team,
I am writing here because I really don't know what to do or how to look for a solution to these problem. I am 23 years old, lately I've been putting a lot of thought into my sex life. I lost my virginity 4 years ago when I least expected it was going to happen. There was a time when I was going out with a guy I really liked and it just happened, it was nice to be the first time because it was with someone I cared (I still do) and he was very nice and gentle (he didn't know it was my first time) but I never finished. I wasn't really expecting to experience an orgasm on my first time, but when I brought this into my therapy session my Psychologist said it's important to know that sex is for pleasure and that it's important I feel it too, not only my partner.
Long time passed and I didn't sleep with anyone, later on I dated some people (nothing serious) and slept with a couple of them (they have all been guys) and with experience I started to notice that I don't always enjoy having sex, it's not that I dislike it, but sometimes I just don't find anything interesting on it. My best experiences have been with 2 guys I really really liked (not even in those occations I had orgasms but I was very close) and I suppose I only "feel" sex is important when I actually have a true connection with the person. But I would like to enjoy casual and 'no strings attached' relationships.
My worry came because last weekend I met a guy I had sex last year and we got along pretty well, I am not interested in him in any other way but a casual meetings once in a while. The first time we got together was very fun. But this time I thought it wasn't as fun as the first/last time. I started wondering... is it me? or my partners? I sometimes have the idea that sex is overrated and maybe when I was younger I always expected sex to feel different. I personally believe is not that big of a deal, I enjoy sharing my intimacy with people I want to, people I can actually connect to in a deeper way. Maybe I haven't met someone I can experience this with on that level, maybe the guys I've been out with are "bad" at sex? Or is it me? something psychological or physical? Most of my girl friends are always talking about how much they enjoy and love having sex, I can see that most of the people are driven by more sexual instincts than me, I care more about feelings, thoughts and connecting in other ways more than sexually (I do think it's also an important part) but I definetely know I don't share the same thoughts. I have reached pleasure by myself of course and it's not difficult for me, I do fantasize and like the idea of having sex, but maybe I am the one who is bad at it!?

I don't know what to do, I am very open to opinions as I really don't know how to "fix" this situation. Maybe go back to therapy and talk about it? Look for workshops or talks on sexuality and women, etc.?

Thank you in advance for your time and your open space to discuss this type of themes.

Hi blueish,

There are a lot of factors that go into whether or not someone enjoys a sexual encounter: how they feel about their partner, how their own body is feeling that day, their mental space, how much communication is going on, etc. Not to mention people who find identify as asexual or demisexual. So there's nothing wrong with you if you're finding most of your sexual encounters to be underwhelming.

In terms of addressing this, there's a few different places to start. If you're wanting to pursue casual relationships, we have some resources that talk about how to do that. I also wonder, when you've been sexual in the past, how much communication goes on between you and your partner during sex itself?

Hello Sam, thank you for replying !

how do i know how to identify myself? maybe I am demisexual, but then what do I do about it? I've heard of this concepts but I have never got too deep into the subject as I can't really understand what I do with this information now that I can identify myself as demisexual. I don't know if I am explaining myself.

I did have good communitacion with my previous partners, at least with the ones I had a deeper connection or relationship. I think it's more of a personal 'issue' or something going on with me. I don't think it's bad at all, I think I am still experiencing and getting to know myself into sex, relations, etc. I still feel young and I haven't had that many partners, so maybe it is also a matter of time?

What else could you think this could be or relate to? I am open to discussion on ideas to know really what to do or think. Thank you for the space to do this.

Right now the usefulness of being able to identify yourself as demisexual is to give yourself permission to feel how you feel about sex. In other words, it can give you a way to know that you're not the only person who feels this way about sex and their partners. Too, if in a few months or years that label no longer feels accurate, you're allowed to change it.

I think you're absolutely right that experience and exploration are at play here. I also think it might help to keep in mind that it's possible to have casual sexual relationships where there is an emotional component. Plenty of people have sexual relationships in which there's no larger romantic relationship they're in, but they still feel an emotional compatibility or trust (for instance, some people are friends with benefits). Does that make sense?

Yes it does! very much. It's also true that there can be casual relationships with emotional bonds.
But..
I find a bit hard to explain what brought me here in first place, though. Besides identifying myself in a genre, I try to understand that I still don't know myself fully in a sexual aspect and it's going to be a while to know how relationships work, me with myself and others. Said this, I am very specific when it comes to being intimate with other people.

There's a guy I really liked 7 years ago, we had a lot of friends in common, I grew up and changed social circles so I didn't hang out with that group of people anymore. A couple of months ago we ran into each other at a party and finally met formally. I was still very attracted to him and was thrilled about the encounter so many years after. We hanged out that time and had a great time together after at his place. we had good chemistry.
I saw him again and even though I do like him and find him really attractive it didn't seem enough to get me -that- turned on. Now not even guys I like seem to turn me on (?!?!)

Don't get me wrong, my 'casual partner' is a nice guy. It's not that he doesn't care for me reaching climax (he tries quite a lot) but for him has been hard too. I don't want to go a lot into detail but I'd say he is insecure and because of drugs/alcohol among other bad habits he struggles a lot when having sex to have an orgasm. He tries to switch positions or be a bit harder and I do find it satisfying but I never get there! He encourages me to orgasm but I can't. I believe my lack of climax affects him too. I know you may think he doesn't sound like the best partner but in all honesty he is very fun to be with, smart and talented and that is something I really admire about him. Don't care a lot about the drug issue because it doesn't seem to affect him in any other way... I'd like a way to make this work but I can't force things specially if the relationship goes around casual sex, if we were friends it would be different. Is it normal that even with good chem in between we have to work out on our sex relationship? Is it normal to feel kind of clumsy the first times and not getting `there´???

I don't know if any of this makes a lot of sense... It's hard for me to explain.

With the first guy, the one you re-met, it's worth noting that sexual chemistry can be an unpredictable thing. Someone can seem to have all the qualities we're attracted to and aroused by and yet not quite pique our interest (although in some cases, while there is no instantaneous chemistry, it can be developed over time). To make sure I'm clear, did you and he ever try to be sexual?

In terms of your current casual partner, it sounds like part of the issue is on his end, at least in terms of arousal or penetration. Drugs and alcohol can definitely affect someone's ability to get an erection, and if that's coupled with anxiety or insecurity it can become even more difficult. If that's something he wants to address, we have some resources. I wonder, when you two are sexual, how much manual or oral sex goes on? And have you tried introducing sex toys into the mix?

Yes of course we were very sexual from the begining. We seemed to trust each other and had a lot of fun, even though we were tired and maybe by then hungover. We didn't climax but we were so close! I saw exactly that because I was just about and never got there, he never got there either. After that we foreplayed a bit and then went to bed, next afternoon we were very cool about the whole encounter (no strings attached, enjoyable and fun).

Last time was a bit weirder I don't know why I felt like lost half my excitement in the middle of the act... This has happened before with other partners but until know I started thinking is more common than I thought. I wouldnt blame his end completely, but I know that could be a downer too (maybe didn't consider it until recently that I came here). We havent introduced toys or even talked about it because it's only the second time and I don't think he feels is such a big deal? Toys never crossed my mind really. Oral sex the first time was very good, second time I did it to him only but I felt weird after a while and just started fooling around until we cuddled for a second and then went to sleep.

Today I thought of maybe introducing lubricant and texture condoms? How does that work?

Oh it;s the same partner btw!

Lube is almost always a good idea! textured condoms work for lots of people, but some people can't really feel the textures. If you want to, try it out and see what works for you. That's the only way to know for sure

Thank you Danny! and Sam! it's good to have someone to talk about this. I will let you know what happens next in terms of casual relationships, thank you Scarleteen!!!!! great space!!