Scarleteen

Hi,

I [21, female] am in a new relationship with a guy who is 2 years younger than me. We've been together for about a month, and it's gone a bit fast. About 2 and a half weeks into our relationship, he started dropping some heavy romantic rhetoric on me (for example, he detailed his insecurities, in particular about losing me). At this point he told me he loves me.

Typically, he's really nice. He's caring and attentive and seems to appreciate me (maybe a little too much). But, something that has been happening with increasing frequency. Which is that he pretends to break up with me. Sometimes we have joked about breaking up, in a very lighthearted manner. However, a few days ago, we were joking about it, and he said something to the effect of, "You know, I'm actually serious this time. I want to break up, I'm not happy in this... You just don't show enough appreciation for everything I do for you." He kept up the bit for about a minute and a half before asserting it was a joke. He laughed and said, "you believed me a little, didn't you?"

You'd think it was an isolated incident, but that night he did a similar thing. I made a joke about something he said, and he pretended to be really offended about it for a few minutes, saying, "I'm done talking to you tonight," and turning away from me. After he was finished with his bit and I stopped engaging with his manipulation, he turned back to me and said, "you know I *love* you!" It was weird, and confusing. I don't want this to become a pattern, but it seems like it might.

It kind of feels to me like he wants to watch me break a little, to prove to him that he matters to me. It's purely speculation, but it seems to fit with the theme of insecurity. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to trust someone who plays with intense feelings? Why might he be doing this?

Hi gwenaelle,

I can't say for certain why he's doing this, but you're 100% correct when you call this manipulation (and a giant high five for seeing it for that and not wanting to engage in it). Because he is trying to play some kind of head game with you, and it's clearly making you uncomfortable. Given that this is starting to be a pattern and you're only a month into the relationship, this is a big signal that he is likely not a good partner for you.

Something else concerning in your description that's concerning is how rapidly he escalated the relationship and, in doing so, took steps to frame you as being responsible for soothing his insecurities. Both of those are emotional tactics of abusive partners which, given this other pattern of trying to make you feel insecure in the relationship so you'll perform for his approval, form a collection of red flags. They're the actions of someone who wants to make you feel responsible for their emotional well-being, then make you feel as though you're not doing a good job of protecting that well-being so that you'll start doing whatever they want you to.

That might be a lot to process, but doe it trigger any thoughts or feelings about where you'd like to go from here?

I'm gonna chime in and add that lundy bancroft's Why does he Do That book got put online as a pdf and it's pretty good, one of the things it highlights is its' not mental illness or insecurity causing abuse but being abusive itself. Its' not his insecurity doing this and he's not 'just joking' he's deliberately trying to hurt you so you jump for his approval (I mean notice how he switched to another tactic when trying to bait you didn't work). I wouldn't stick around at all personally.